Sept. 28
;(2009-461273) 11:50 a.m.: This week's (first) copper wire theft is from a construction site on West Gore Street.
;(2009-461523) 2:51 p.m.: "Between the above dates and times, unknown suspect(s) entered the fenced yard at the above location and removed a trailer."
;(2009-461636) 4:13 p.m.: Fail o' the Week: "While the victim was in the upstairs portion of her home, unknown person(s) attempted to enter her residence. They were unsuccessful and caused no damage."
;(2009-461739) 5:35 p.m.: In this ALL CAPS report, Officer Kirby tells us about an armed robbery on Columbia Street, in which the victims were deprived of a cell phone and cash. The brave Officer Kirby and his compatriots in blue tracked down our villains, bagging one of the two – the other escaped, sadly – and recovering a .40 caliber semi-automatic weapon. The streets are safe again.
;(2009-461955) 8:21 p.m.: This son of a bitch took an energy drink from a 7-Eleven, told the cashier that he would pay for it but did not. What happened to America?
;;Sept. 29
;(2009-462297) 12:32 a.m.: "The suspect tried to run over his girlfriend with a vehicle and was arrested at the scene." Same question as above.
;(2009-462467) 2:50 a.m.: Hotel robbers busted in the act.
;(2009-462468) 2:54 a.m.: A batch of self-aware defendants was popped driving through MetroWest with a bunch of pot, with their hazard lights on.
;(2009-462505) 4:03 a.m.: Hey, so you know the winner who tried to run over his girlfriend with the car? He pushed a cop, too. Double jail!
;(2009-462742) 8:13 a.m.: Eight tires stolen from a tire store.
;(2009-462793) 8:51 a.m.: Attention, residents of Falcon Court: It might not be a hot idea to leave your car doors open. Someone might steal your change. Now how are you going to do laundry?
;(2009-463000) 11:29 a.m.: From the Creepy Pervs file comes this tale of alleged tawdriness: "The victim was jogging on the exercise trail near Baldwin Park Street and Lake Baldwin Lane, when a [white male] suspect approached her and asked her for directions. He then ‘bear hugged' her and she pushed off of him and ran away to call police."
;Maybe he was just saying thanks. Baldwin Parkers are so uptight sometimes.
;(2009-463249) 2:23 p.m.: OK, Falcon Court residents. You've been done one better. This next fellow, from Folkstone Lane, left his car unlocked despite having a .45 and a magazine of hollow-point bullets inside.
;(2009-463457) 4:45 p.m.: Officer Ochiuzzo saw some dirty hippies exchanging dope and totally busted a 50-year-old homeless dealer. Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
;(2009-463576) 6:05 p.m.: "At approximately 1715 hours, a black Suburban [redacted] exited the ‘A' toll plaza at the Orlando International Airport without rendering proper payment of $917." Damn, how long was the dude parked there? The cops have the vehicle's plate number.
;;Sept. 30
;(2009-464156) 12:35 a.m.: "On the above mentioned date and time, [the arrestee] was observed entering the victim's vehicle through an open window on the driver's side. Nothing was removed from the vehicle, and there was no damage to the vehicle. The victim desired prosecution, and arrestee was charged accordingly." Neat and tidy.
;(2009-465222) 3:02 p.m.: Back to the Creepy Pervs file: "Three juvenile females" – ages 9, 8 and 5 – "were walking home from school. They were approached by a black male who attempted to get the girls to enter into his vehicle. The girls ran back to school and called the police."
;(2009-465446) 5:42 p.m.: Someone stole an AC unit and a washer and dryer from a house on Starks Street. Neighbors told cops they'd seen some suspicious-looking folk hanging there a few weeks earlier.
;(2009-465823) 9:44 p.m.: Police Beat Dick Move o' the Week: "On the above date and time, a black male with dreads … approached the victim [on West Colonial Drive]. The suspect punched the victim numerous times and took his bicycle, along with other miscellaneous items from his pocket. The suspect then fled in an unknown direction with the victim's bicycle."
;This being Orlando, the suspect was probably run down by a car a few minutes later.
;;Oct. 1
;(2009-466256) 3:47 a.m.: Reports Officer Zedick: "On the above listed date and time Officer Zedick along with Officer Gutierrez were conducting a designated patrol in the 700 block of South Semoran Boulevard in the Las Americas Shopping Plaza. We spotted a blue Ford Explorer Sport Trac pickup truck traveling through the plaza with a hand towel taped covering its license plate. We conducted a traffic stop and after an investigation the driver was later arrested for loitering/prowling and traffic charges."
;(2009-466200 2:21 a.m.: Fail o' the Week, redux: "On the above date and time, unknown suspect(s) entered the [Rent-a-Center] by damaging and prying open the front door lock. The suspect(s) attempted to remove flat-screen televisions, but most of them were chained to the wall. At the time of this report, it is unknown if anything ;was taken."
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