The most useless Florida bills to look out for in the 2024 legislative session

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HB 733: State lawmakers have proposed a license plate highlighting The Villages.

Florida's official legislative session started yesterday. Hooray!

It's a 60-day session, lasting from Jan. 9 through March 8, 2024, in which your elected representatives gather to govern and to grandstand.

Hundreds of bills are filed by lawmakers each year, while only a fraction are actually passed and/or signed into law.

There are some good ones out there. Some downright nefarious ones. And some that come off as performative at best, useless and unnecessary at worst. Here are 13 of those latter type.

1. No money for reparations (SJR 582)

A bill filed by Spring Hill Republican Blaise Ingoglia, author of other particularly egregious bills that aim to make the lives of immigrants and activists harder, would prevent the state and local governments from paying reparations to descendants of slaves. No local government in Florida has sought to do such a thing, anyway, but Mr. "Government Gone Wild" (the name of his PAC) evidently wants to avoid following the lead of cities and counties in other states that have considered such proposals, because ... hmm, what could his reasons be? Last year he filed a bill that called to "cancel" the Democratic Party, so governing doesn't seem to be the point with this guy.

2. Banning lab-grown meat (HB 435)

For all of the carnivorous snowflakes out there terrified of vegetarian food products, a bill filed by Republican Rep. Tyler Sirois would make it illegal to manufacture or sell meat cultivated from animal cells — aka "lab-grown meat." Unclear what exactly he's so scared of, but some of the big guys are following it (the Florida Restaurant & Lodging Association, the Florida Retail Federation) so there's evidently some kind of interest in the idea. Violations of the proposed law (selling, manufacturing, distributing cultivated meat) would constitute a second-degree misdemeanor. Great use of everyone's time.

3. Another, harsher crackdown on retail theft (HB 549)

Retail theft is frequently overblown for the benefit of massive retailers like Walmart, and taken much more seriously in the state of Florida than, for instance, wage theft — a widespread problem of bosses failing to pay employees wages/tips/overtime they're lawfully owed. That problem goes woefully unaddressed by the same office (State Attorney General) that loves to advertise their efforts to combat retail theft. Maybe when the theft is performed by corporations and perpetrated on everyday working people (as opposed to the other way around), it's not just that much of a priority.

4. Sales tax break for people who buy private planes (HB 269)

This bill, sponsored by Republican State Rep. Toby Overdorf, would establish a special tax break for people who buy private planes in Florida. This smells to us like somebody's sucking up for some free rides.

5. Specialty license plate for The Villages (HB 733)

State lawmakers throw out a bunch of ideas in every legislative session to establish new specialty license plates. One of the silliest this session is a proposed license plate highlighting The Villages. The bill directs the Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles to develop a license plate with the text: "The Villages: May All Your Dreams Come True" (LOL). If your dreams include MAGA scuffles and rampant STDs, welcome to it.

6. Guaranteeing abused animals the right to a lawyer in court (SB 272, HB 297)

It's not that we don't care about abused animals. We condemn the abuse of animals, full stop. But even humans in Florida aren't guaranteed a lawyer in domestic abuse or eviction proceedings, even if they can't afford one. Bills filed by two Republicans and one Democrat would — in what appears to be a good-faith collab — authorize a volunteer attorney, certified emeritus attorney, or certified legal intern to be designated to act as an advocate in criminal cases of neglect or abuse involving a dog or cat. Is this a completely useless bill? No. Would something similar for humans be a better law? Yes.

7. Cracking down on slow left-lane drivers (HB 317)

We know some of you are fired up about one; we've read the emails. Not to be confused with the "Move Over Law," which went into effect this month, this bill that would restrict drivers from cruising in Florida's highway left lanes reads as a silly attempt to crack down on people who are driving too slow for the rest of us speeding towards our inevitable demise. The bill would set non-criminal fines of up to $158 for using the left lane unless drivers are attempting to pass other motorists. However, it would provide several exceptions, such as when motorists are directed to use certain lanes, are driving around obstructions, or are following the Move Over law by changing lanes away from emergency vehicles.

8. Trying to change our state bird ... again (SB 162)

State lawmakers will, not for the first time, consider whether to change Florida's official state bird. Currently, our state bird is a mockingbird. Has been for decades. But, in recent years, there have been legislators on both sides of the aisle pushing to change our state bird from a mockingbird to a scrub jay. A few years ago, they considered (but didn't approve) a proposal to designate a flamingo as our state bird. That proposal was also refiled for consideration next year. Sure, they're not unique to Florida, but maybe spare a thought this year for our state's mockingbirds, which apparently don't get a lot of love in the state Legislature (albeit, still enough love to crush all efforts to remove its state bird status).

9. Banning government agencies from flying LGBTQ+ flags (HB 901)

Another great use of Florida legislators' time: banning local government agencies from flying flags that display "a politically partisan, racial, sexual orientation and gender, or political ideology viewpoint." Right, so no more LGBTQ+ flags — we know that's the actual point. (We strongly doubt Gadsden flags would be subjected to removal if this bill actually passes.) Also as part of this bill, filed by Republican Rep. David Borrero, public schools and universities would be prohibited from displaying pride flags. Guess that just leaves more for us private citizens, until they take away that right, too.

10. Banning removal of Confederate Statues (SB 1122, HB 395)

Republican lawmakers are pushing a bill (not for the first time) that would bar local governments from taking down public statues or memorials that commemorate the Confederacy. Sponsored by Rep. Dean Black and Sen. Jonathan Martin, the bill would also punish local leaders who try to defy the law and remove them anyway. Confederate monuments have, in recent years, been taken down or moved in Tampa, Gainesville, and most recently Jacksonville. A Confederate statue at Orlando's Lake Eola Park, commissioned by a local chapter of the United Daughters of the Confederacy, was removed in June 2017. Ironically, the House version of the bill would take effect July 1, 2024, but would be retroactive to Jan. 1, 2017. The bill sponsor told the Orlando Sentinel that means the state would seek to restore memorials taken down after that date. The Senate bill has a retroactive date of Oct. 1, 2020. Violators of the proposed law could be fined up to $5,000. Elected officials who try to defy it could be booted from office.

11. Requiring education on how slavery was, well, "complicated" (SB 1192, HB 1139)

Another Ingoglia special, this bill proposes to require Florida's public school system to teach students "a comprehensive account of the sociopolitical circumstances surrounding slavery, including which political parties supported slavery by adopting pro-slavery tenets to their party platform." The "required education" under the bill, titled the "Kamala Harris Truth in Slavery Act," is painfully obviously intended as a dunk on Democrats — referring to the fact that racist Southern Democrats did seek to protect slavery, and racist Northern Democrats let them get away with it. It also assumes that teachers don't know how to properly educate students about the history of slavery and political parties in the United States. But who better to tell you how to teach than a politician (to boot, one without a background as an educator)? Government Gone Wild, indeed.

12. Perpetuating (and validating) bogus cop fentanyl exposure myth (HB 231)

Republicans are seeking to validate a widely debunked, Department of Justice-manufactured myth that cops are being poisoned by fentanyl by way of skin absorption. How? Through a new bill that would enhance criminal penalties for exposing first responders (firefighters, cops, EMTs, etc.) to fentanyl. This bill is on our list not because fentanyl overdose is a laughing matter (fentanyl is involved in a heartbreaking number of fatal overdoses each year), or because we don't like cops (no comment). Rather, it's dumb because it perpetuates the myth that law enforcement agencies have for years confabulated about how simply touching fentanyl or even having it drift onto their skin can cause overdose. The proposed law would establish mandatory minimum prison sentences for exposing first responders to fentanyl in such a way that causes "serious injury" or "great bodily harm" (both statutorily defined). The definition of exposure includes "inhalation" and "skin contact," even though overdosing on powdered fentanyl via skin contact is not something that actually happens. Experts say the risk for overdose by way of airborne contact with powdered fentanyl is also very low. So what would this bill actually accomplish? Probably just further bloating our dilapidated, overcrowded prison system by caging more people.

13. Gator Day

A resolution proposed by Florida Sen. Keith Perry, R-Gainesville, would officially designate Feb. 14, 2024, as "Gator Day" at the state Capitol, in recognition of the University of Florida's "accomplishments." In the resolution summary, he names research projects, medical programs, and other technological advancements as examples. Why he chose Valentine's Day? Unstated. We couldn't find any other public universities for whom lawmakers have proposed declaring their own special day. (Sorry, UCF, but at least you know our local elected leaders love you.)