Savage Love: 'Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another'

I’m a mid-50s gay man, married to a man. We’ve been together 30 years. We love each other and have built a great life together, but our sex life is so lackluster it’s nearly extinct. After years of trying to get my spouse to talk about our likes, wants, needs, and differences, and after years making suggestions about how or what we could do either together or apart to improve our sex life, I finally had enough and began having dalliances here and there. I encouraged him to pursue sexual satisfaction where he likes, but his response is always, “I couldn’t do that.”

So, what’s the problem? I’ve always been drawn to Daddy/boy scenarios — it plays into my submissive tendencies — and I recently met a hot Daddy. We’ve been meeting up for six months, we’re both GGG, and the sex is awesome! But my spouse does not know about my relationship with Daddy. I would love for the two to meet, as I think they would enjoy each other’s sense of humor and personality, as they are both wonderful men. Is it possible to introduce them so that the three of us could be friends and maybe ease my spouse into opening things up? My spouse and I are both sub bottoms and my Daddy is a gentle Daddy Dom. Do I bring them together or do I keep these two relationships separate?

A: If what you’re seeking from me, LAD, is some way to tell your husband you’ve been fucking another man for six months without upsetting him, I can’t help you. He’s most likely going to be upset. Additionally, there’s no way to tell your husband about your recently acquired fuckbuddy without putting your vague DADT agreement at risk.

Now, assuming your husband isn’t an idiot, he knows you’ve been having sex with other men. When you told him to pursue sexual satisfaction elsewhere, he must’ve known you planned to do (or were already doing) the same. But there’s a difference between knowing something because you kindasorta figured and knowing something because you were literallyfucking told. And there’s a difference between having sex with other men — one-offs, one at a time — and having sex again and again with one man. (Which, during this monkeypox outbreak, is a far safer option for you and your husband than one-offs.)

Sexual infidelity is one thing, emotional infidelity is another.

But the odds your husband will leave you — after 30 years — seem slim. And even if he’s upset at first, who knows? If he’s open to meeting your boyfriend/daddyfriend once his anger dissipates, and if he’s attracted to your Daddy Dom and your Daddy Dom is attracted to him, a series of hot threesomes might revive your sexual connection with your husband. Things could also go from not great to truly terrible — you could wind up getting divorced — but things aren’t going to get better on the sexual front without a shakeup, and telling the truth is a pretty good way to shake things up.

All that said, telling your husband, “I have a boyfriend, I’d like you to meet him, I think you two might click,” is a big risk and there are no backsies.

Q: I’m a 26-year-old gay man in Arizona. I was with my 38-year-old boyfriend for a year and a half. We were monogamous from the start but when we “laid our kink cards on the table” about six months in (I’m a longtime listener and reader), he “confessed” that he wanted to watch me get fucked by another guy. Or guys, plural. He brought it up literally every time we had sex for a year.

Two weeks ago, I got on Grindr (with his OK) to see what was out there. I found a couple and showed him their photos. He was thrilled. We went over to their place, and it felt right, and they both fucked me in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend — who jerked off and came while watching me get fucked — had a complete meltdown after we left. He called me a bunch of names and accused me of enjoying it too much and broke up with me. I still have my own apartment, thank God, so I took some clothes and left. He says he wants a monogamous relationship now, but not with me because of what happened. I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask me to.

I’m heartbroken and filled with regret and can’t stop crying. Was I supposed to fake hating it? Is there any way to salvage this?

For the answer to the above question, go to to read the rest of the column. Write to Dan at [email protected].

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