Savage Love

My girlfriend always responds positively when I initiate sex, but she hardly ever initiates. I’m a no-beat-around-the-bush kind of guy, but I don’t want to scare her by saying, “Please initiate sex more often!” So I do small things to let her know I want her to initiate. I will lotion up in front of her after we shower. Or I’ll say something like “I wanted to fuck last night – maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?” It hasn’t worked. The only time she’ll initiate is if I haven’t initiated and she’s sexually frustrated. That can take days!
Girlfriend Rarely Initiates Naked Dance

Wow, GRIND, your girlfriend is pretty fucking dense. I’m surprised she remembers to breathe in her sleep. I mean, she’s seen you smearing lotion on yourself after showering and somehow didn’t realize that you wanted her to start initiating sex once in a while? Amazing. A boyfriend smearing lotion on himself – who doesn’t know what that means? Um. Yeah. No.
Sorry, GRIND, but you’re the dense one. “I wanted to fuck last night – maybe you can wear one of your sexy bras and thongs one day soon?” does not auto-translate to “Please initiate sex more often.” The likely takeaway from that statement is “I wanted to fuck last night, but the granny panties/hazmat Spanx you wear were such a turnoff that I couldn’t get it up. You suck at this girlfriend shit.”
You want your girlfriend to initiate sex more often? Tell her. Trust me, that straightforward request will display more sensitivity to your girlfriend’s feelings than a potentially confidence-shredding statement like “Hey, I wanted to fuck last night but you wore the wrong panties.”
But even if you’re straight with her, GRIND, things are unlikely to change. She initiates when she’s horny/sexually frustrated, but she obviously has a lower libido than you. Your desire for her cranks her up, so she’s good to go when you initiate. But she’s satisfied with less sex and is unlikely to feel the urge to initiate as often as you would like her to regardless.

I’m a 21-year-old female college student going to school on the East Coast. Two days ago, I broke up with my manipulative, controlling, insecure, long-distance boyfriend of one year. I truly care for him, but I need to live my life the way I want to, and that wasn’t possible with him. The problem is, he’s been leaving voicemails, texting and emailing me threatening suicide. I’ve told his mother, but she doesn’t take it seriously. I feel horrible, but I don’t want to talk to him because I refuse to get sucked back in. How can I deal with this serious threat?
Single And Worried

Your ex-boyfriend’s mom presumably knows her son better than you, SAW, and she isn’t taking his threats seriously. So it’s possible he has a history of manipulating people with idle suicide threats to get what he wants. But if you’re worried – maybe his mother is neglectful and/or nuts – you might want to listen to Episode 364 of the Savage Lovecast ( I took a question from a man whose girlfriend threatened suicide when he tried to dump her. Jill Harkavy-Friedman of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention had some excellent advice. Summing it up: Alert his friends/relatives, pass the AFSP’s hotline number (1-800-273-TALK) to them and to the person making the threat. Also: Don’t respond to his texts or voicemails, consider blocking him and forward any worrying emails to his mother.

My girlfriend snooped on my browser history the other day to see what porn I look at. I’ve told her I look at porn a few times a week, and she said she didn’t mind. She asked me what I look at, and I was mostly honest. My viewing habits are pretty vanilla except for BBW porn. It’s not my go-to, but it was what she found the day she snooped. She had some issues, and I don’t know how to address them. I’m not more attracted to overweight women, but sometimes that type just does it for me. Compounding this, my girlfriend is overweight – not on par with the women in the videos – and now she’s worried that her weight is the only reason I’m attracted to her. It’s not! How can I explain this to her and put her mind at ease?
Busted Boyfriend Worries

If you looked only at porn that featured conventionally attractive women, your girlfriend would be worried that you’re not attracted to her because of her size. But she caught you looking at BBW porn, and now she’s worried that her size is the only reason you’re attracted to her. I don’t think you can win, BBW, but you can try saying this: “I like women of all shapes and sizes, honey, including yours – as you can clearly see if you look at all the porn sites I’ve visited, instead of just obsessing about that particular one.” I don’t think it’ll do much good, because your girlfriend probably doesn’t want you looking at porn at all – saying it’s OK, snooping and grilling aren’t signs of “OK with porn.” So use private browsing, clear your browser history or watch porn on a secure computer in an undisclosed location.

HATE CRIME: One of the shitbags invited to speak at the gay-bash-a-thon known as the Values Voter Summit in Washington, DC, earlier this month called homophobia a myth. He said gay people are not victims. We are the violent and intolerant ones, he argued, and Bible-believing Christians like him are the real victims. Later that very same day – Oct. 12 – a gay man was attacked in New Glasgow, Nova Scotia, in an apparent hate crime. Scott Jones was stabbed twice in the back and his throat was slashed. He survived the attack, but his spinal cord was severed and he is now paralyzed from the waist down. Scott is Canadian and has access to high-quality medical care, because socialism. But Scott faces a long struggle, and there will be expenses – retrofitting his home, loss of income – that he’ll need help with. If you have a few bucks or loonies to spare, please consider making a donation at


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