In our weekly editorial meeting at this here brick building, it was brought to us bloggers' attention that evidence has been found of a hidden genome, somewhere in the phalanges, that causes forefingers to click a mouse whenever the words "list" or "not safe for work" appear. It's bizarre, but I thought let's mash them together and see if the universe implodes upon itself!
Want to?
SO ... here are the 9 (fuck-a 10) best NSFW posts we've upchucked at Bloggytown this year (plus some from Dec. '07). Of course, this is the FL so by NSFW, we mean there may be an impure word here and there. We hide our shame proper-like. Except the first one.
That one's some watch-in-a-dark-basement type shit.
Naked Santa, chimps and doing lines of a porn star's ass after the bounce:
<@jump>
1. Cancel that Suicide Girls subscription (Justin Strout, 12-20-07)
You no longer need it. **Warning: Absolutely not safe for any work environment if humans work there. Luckily, we're subhuman, so we're loving the hell of it**
My favorite hip-hop horndogs, Spank Rock, have joined forces with the Sweatheart's Amanda Blank to film the single filthiest music video in recorded history. That's according to me, but it's probably not far off.
2. Thou Shalt Not Superman Thine Ho (Justin Strout, 12-27-07)
CBS13 in Sacramento, CA reported yesterday that a Roseville family was stunned when their 5-year old's Xmas present, meant to be Hannah Montana (though the CD just says "Disney Channel Hits" was popped in the ol' jukebox and out came -- gasp! -- rap. "Even the N-word!"
The best part is that the reporters are careful to phrase the story in a Santa way, but back themselves into a corner and have to say "Santa's helpers...bought the CD at Toys 'R' Us..." Gold.
3. Pardon my misogyny (Jeffrey Billman, 5-6-08)
But this is my favorite politician photo ever. I'll let you guess why.
4. Sex and the witty (Lindy Shepherd, 1-21-08)
Does it come as a surprise that Liz Langley is jetting to NYC to attend tomorrow's release party for "Best Sex Writing 2008" (Cleis Press) at the Rapture Cafe?
Of course not. But you gotta love the name of her entry in the book: "Sex and the Single Septuagenarian." Published in Salon in 2006, the story is posted on an elders forum.
Twasn't **that** long ago that Liz's clever words were falling under the column names of "Cunning Linguist" and "Bar Belle" Both of these were before Juice (RIP), her long-running (and still beloved) column in this paper. Here's a taste of Liz from the "Single Septuagenarian":
"A few years ago there was a popular Pepsi commercial featuring presidential candidate and Viagra spokesman Bob Dole watching Britney Spears dance on TV. At the end of the ad, a dog sitting at Dole's side barks at the set. "Easy, boy," says Dole to the pooch -- though I always thought it was slyly implied that he was actually talking to his own reanimated wiener.
This three-alarm image of the senator erect is uncomfortable on a lot of levels, but the most obvious is that people aren't used to thinking of seniors in a sexual way and aren't in a rush to start. We love to see Grandma and Grandpa running marathons, volunteering and taking tap class. But imagining them doing the mattress mambo is another story."
5. HOT CNN THREE-WAY ACTION! (Justin Strout, 1-31-08)
Holy crap. Did CNN anchor Kyra Phillips just suggest a "reverse Oreo" threesome with "Open House" anchor Gerri Willis and co-anchor Don Lemon?!? That's the hottest thing I've seen on CNN since...well, ever.
To be fair, Lemon started the whole thing. Listen for his "sandwich" suggestion, which Phillips takes and runs with to awkward lengths.
Mmmm...CNN sex.
6. Primate prostitution (Jeffrey Billman, 1-9-08)
Apparently, the world's oldest profession isn't confined to humans any more. Added bonus: Best headline ever (or at least, today).
7. Santa steals little girl's "innocence" (Justin Strout, 12-28-07)
A Cookeville, TN man was SHOCKED!! when he bought an mp3 player for his 10-year old daughter at Wal-Mart (natch) only to discover when she played it that it contained "sex clips, graphic war scenes and lyrics about using drugs."
See the news clip here
The father is planning to sue (natch) and also plans to build a science-fiction machine that will allow him to bend all laws of physics, biology and psychology to "take the thoughts and images out of her head."
The man, named Daryl (natch), who also happens to be missing some teeth (natch), apparently believes (along with creationism, surely) that his 10-year old daughter a) still believes in Santa, and b) has never heard a rap song.
But what we really want to know is...
Santa Poll
Which drug song did the little girl hear?
Clipse-Keys Open Doors
Grandmaster Flash-White Lines
Young Jeezy-Go Getta
I Can't Feel My Face-Lil Wayne
I Want a New Drug-Huey Lewis
8. Australia has the best scandals (Jeffrey Billman, 4-30-08)
Oh, the Aussies and their perverted chair-sniffin':
Troubled WA Opposition leader Troy Buswell has broken down in tears at a press conference and admitted he sniffed the chair of a female Liberal Party staffer.
[snip]
As revealed by The Sunday Times, Mr Buswell crawled around on his hands and knees in front of a former Liberal staffer before she left the job late in 2005.
In a separate incident, he lifted her chair and started sniffing it after she had sat in it in his parliamentary office.
The scandal follows an admission by the Liberal leader earlier this year that he had snapped open the bra of a Labor staffer.
Funny. In third grade I got sent to detention for the same thing.
9. Smells like God's vagina (Justin Strout, 3-13-08)
What do you do when you make a couple stoner comedies and you're suddenly hailed as the second coming? That's the favorable dilemma Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan now face after the mega-smashes of 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up and Superbad. So...how do you follow?
Make the biggest guns-n-explosions, Cheech 'n' Chong-style stoner adventure ever put to film, that's how. Oh, and hire an acclaimed and respected director to helm it.
Watch the mind-blowing trailer for Pineapple Express.
