In the race for Florida governor, it’s either Crist or the large red-faced toddler currently in charge

There’s no such thing as a “perfect candidate.”

DeSantis at Turning Point USA's Student Action Summit in July 2022. - Photo by Dave Decker
Photo by Dave Decker
DeSantis at Turning Point USA's Student Action Summit in July 2022.

They say there’s “no such thing as a perfect candidate,” and Floridians know this better than anyone. In fact, as a registered Democrat who voted for Joe Biden partially because the other guy was endorsed by the Klan, I find myself screaming this statement from the bottom of a pool on a near-weekly basis.

Which brings us to Charlie Crist, who is a lot of things. For one, he’s the tannest man in Pinellas County. He’s also a former Republican, and he has a spotty record on things like gay marriage and abortion rights.

And while his stances on those topics have since evolved (he was endorsed by pro-choice and LGBTQ leaders), he’s still not “a perfect candidate,” or even a good candidate, in my opinion. But he’s all we got. As the GOP pushes for more “state’s rights” while they simultaneously strip away individual freedoms for anyone who isn’t a cis white Christian Nationalist male in a lifted truck, Crist is the only hope Florida has at the moment.

I could go on and on about all the reasons to vote for Crist, but just about every daily newspaper in Florida has already done this. So I’d rather focus on the big baby boy currently in charge, and his big fat wet diaper which we’re all being forced to change.

For the last four years, Ron DeSantis has been busy pushing through truly pointless culture war legislation that only serves Fox News chyrons and his billionaire donors, while local leaders across Florida have been forced to be the adults in the room and keep the state semi-operational.

It’s honestly weird as shit that the MAGA faithful conveniently forget that DeSantis did in fact “shut down” the entire state and “close schools” during the pandemic. I seem to remember very clearly that Ronald only flip-flopped on these issues after he realized the dumbest corners of his base had a death wish and really, really wanted to go to the beach.

DeSantis was also privately and “secretly” vaccinated before he realized dunking on Anthony Fauci made for good TV. So he ushered in a new surgeon general who, besides discrediting real doctors, believes in “demon sperm" and pushes for fake and unproven COVID-19 treatments.

And what did it cost us? Try 82,000 dead Florida residents. That number would’ve been worse if it weren’t for the mayors in Florida’s heavily populated areas — you know, “Democrat-run cities” — whom he thwarted and scorned at every turn.

It’s a hard sell to blame “Dark Brandon” and the Dems for your state becoming an unlivable slab of sinking pavement when only one political party has ruled Florida for the last 20 years.

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But the pandemic was just the beginning of Ron’s propensity for showing his whole ass. Like a true cartoon villain, DeSantis has been busy building a reputation on the backs of the most vulnerable, spending taxpayer dollars to use legal migrants as political foam fingers, and turning transgender and non-binary residents into proverbial bogey-people that are somehow gonna turn our public schools into learn-to-be gay academies.

Sorry, but no matter what your political beliefs are, this is the behavior of a common asshole — not anyone who should be taken seriously, and certainly not a governor.

Unfortunately, DeSantis’ base likes him this way. The bigger the dick, the better for these folks. So, if there’s one thing to bring up to your DeSantis-loving uncle who could care less about “the gays “or “the Mexicans” and will probably never read this column, point him to our current affordable housing crisis and property insurance nightmare.

While DeSantis has been busy playing footsie with actual neo-Nazis, Florida’s insurance providers are fleeing the state faster than New Yorkers under Cuomo. I, for one, love owning the libs by getting dropped from my insurance carrier because it was “declared insolvent.

On top of this, Florida is literally “the least affordable state in the country.” At the same time, we also have the most vacant homes and the third largest homeless population. In other words, Florida is becoming its worst nightmare, Sean Hannity’s version of California.

But this is what happens when developers and out-of-state vultures flood your re-election PAC with cash, and now we’re literally at the point where NO ONE CAN LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

The sheer lack of action by our governor on these issues is a clear policy choice, and it’s a hard sell to blame “Dark Brandon” and the Dems for your state becoming an unlivable slab of sinking pavement when only one political party has ruled Florida for the last 20 years.

But again, there’s no such thing as a “perfect candidate,” and this November it’s a race between an imperfect former Republican and a large pink toddler who would rather throw tantrums about how everything’s too woke than actually pass meaningful legislation.

That’s certainly something to scream about from the bottom of a pool.

This story first ran on our sister site, Creative Loafing Tampa.
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