Premieres Wednesday: Say I Do – The creators of Queer Eye bring us a new reality buttinsky-fest, in which a fashion designer, an interior designer and a chef make sure that couples who have been together for years finally have their dream wedding. But if people have managed to avoid getting married for that long, why end their lucky streak? It's like hiring the cast of Ice Road Truckers to go around causing accidents. (Netflix)
Unsolved Mysteries – The seminal '80s docuseries returns to investigate more strange phenomena and crime trails run cold. Just don't expect to see previous hosts Robert Stack and Dennis Farina, both of whom are now dead. Suspicious, huh? Maybe the show ought to look into that. (Netflix)
Premieres Thursday: Warrior Nun – In this manga-derived supernatural actioner, a 19-year-old is conscripted into an ongoing battle between good and evil. Each of the initial 10 episodes is named after a specific Biblical chapter and verse, which should help you get back at your insufferably pious loved ones: Give them five seconds to explain what's in Proverbs 14:1, and prove they know that stuff just about as well as the Bhagavad Gita. (Netflix)
Premieres Friday: Hamilton: An American Musical – Broadway has been cannibalizing popular culture for years now. But who could have predicted an entire musical based on Brad Hamilton, Judge Reinhold's character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Sure, that swimming-pool scene is going to be tough to handle, but just one sight of our Brad in his Captain Hook getup should carry enough nostalgic heft to overcome the skepticism of any theater snob. To quote Jeff Spicoli, "All right, Hamilton!" (Disney+) *
Hanna: Season 2 – In its second season, this film-to-TV adaptation moves past the plot of the 2011 thriller about a teenage assassin. I hear she's a K-pop stan now or something. (Amazon Prime)
Desperados – Nasim Pedrad stars in a feature-length comedy about a woman who's intent on retrieving an email that could end things between her and her boyfriend. Listen, if Nasim Pedrad could say anything that would make you want to break up with her, you clearly have more social options than I do. (Netflix)
JU-ON: Origins, Season One – A six-episode series based on Japan's The Grudge horror franchise, in which a curse arises every time someone goes to bed seething with rage. It's 2020, so I highly doubt they can cover this in six episodes. (Netflix)
Premieres Sunday: Outcry – Five documentary episodes tell the story of Greg Kelley, a Texas high-school football star who was jailed for child molestation. Was he really guilty? And how will we ever find out, without Robert Stack or Dennis Farina to tell us? (I still say that whole thing's fishy!) (Showtime)
Premieres Monday: The Haters – Fresh from a win at the Tribeca Film Festival, this Polish feature profiles a former law student who takes a job as an online troll. Wait a minute – I could be getting paid for this? (Netflix)
* Go ahead, knock yourself out. They don't show me my emails anyway.
