Savage Love

I’m a 27-year-old bisexual chick who just moved in with my girlfriend of 10 months. I love her very much, and this is a great relationship – hot sex, laughs, good conversation. Here’s the thing: I like to smoke pot, and pot makes her very uncomfortable. We’ve talked about it a lot – you know how dykes are – and I’ve been up front with her from the beginning. I’m responsible and successful, and I don’t smoke that often. But I don’t like feeling guilty. I’m afraid we’re reaching an impasse on this issue. I’ve considered banishing pot from my life, but I know that some part of me would always resent her for not letting me be who I am. To her credit, she doesn’t want me to stop smoking, but she gets angry and blames herself for the whole problem. I feel like I’m asking her to change a pretty fundamental belief and I don’t know how fair that is. Basically, I need some perspective. Am I being an asshole?
Distraught Kentucky Dyke

What is it about lesbianism – even in cases of lesbian-identified bi chicks – that renders a person incapable of taking yes for an answer? (Or maybe it’s cunnilingus? Does Michael Douglas have the same problem?) Your girlfriend isn’t asking you to stop smoking pot, she recognizes that she’s the one in this relationship with a drug problem and over time (it’s only been 10 months!) she’ll probably get over these OMFG-my-girlfriend-smokes-pot panic attacks. She’s giving you a great big yes, and I think you should take it. But if you insist on viewing this as a problem that must be solved – if you insist on being a couple of cliché lesbians who feel they have to operate their relationship on the consensus model or someone is being oppressed – then this issue will be an endless source of anxiety and drama. Better to agree to disagree, smoke when the girlfriend isn’t around and remember to return the favor when the time comes, i.e., agree to let her enjoy something that you don’t without pitching fits about it.

I’m a lost little lesbian. I have been with my partner for the past four years. She’s 27 and I’m 26. These have been four magical years. We love each other, our parents are happy for us and we make a great team. My girlfriend deployed to Afghanistan, and I was an angel for the first four months of her deployment. But then I hit a rocky spot. After an argument on Skype, I went to confide in a friend – seriously, confide, that was it. My friend and I cooked dinner, drank and chatted. The next thing I knew, it was 5 a.m. and I was on the couch half-dressed. I never told my girlfriend. Part of me wanted to, but the moment she got off the plane and dropped to one knee, I knew I’d be keeping my indiscretion a secret. Seven months after my first slipup, we found out that she’d be leaving again. During her second deployment, I ended up out on the town with friends and was heavily intoxicated. Cutting to the chase: I slept with a random person. I did the same thing again five months later. So I have cheated three times. None of these people meant anything to me. My girlfriend is back, and this is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. We are planning a wedding, and I can’t bring myself to break her heart. Many nights I find it impossible to sleep. I have identified that drinking is a major problem, and I am finished with it. I know that the things I have done will never happen again, and I want to spare her that hurt. How do I get past all the mistakes I’ve made so that I can love her the way she deserves to be loved?
Army Wife In Training

By giving yourself a break. You were drunk, you were lonely and you were unmarried. OK, you weren’t exactly single at the time, it’s true, and you did a shitty thing … and another shitty thing … and another shitty thing. You can look on those three shitty things as unforgivable betrayals (and as prologue) or you can look at them as important life lessons you learned before making a formal and (hopefully) final commitment to your fiancée. Resolve to stay away from booze, go get tested for STIs and stuff those ill-advised, booze-soaked, pre-exchange-of-vows experiences down the memory hole.

My girlfriend of one month is a professional dominant. I was OK with it because I assumed all her clients were men. (We are lesbians.) It turns out that three different straight couples are regular clients. I feel she should have proactively disclosed this information to me. Can I insist that she stop seeing male/female couples?
The Only Woman In Her Life

You can insist on anything you like, and then your girlfriend can decide whether she’s willing to sacrifice six established clients for a controlling, insecure girlfriend that she’s known for only a month. Since building a regular clientele represents financial and physical safety to many sex workers, your new girlfriend is unlikely to choose you over six established clients. So brace yourself for the dump that’s very likely coming your way.

Hi there, faggot! Whiney dyke here! I’m queer and mostly into women, but with a severe attraction to one particular guy. We’re close friends and hang out all the time. He’s great. A few weeks ago, he came back to my place and we made out for 15 minutes before he said that he’s not really attracted to me. We made out a little more. A few days later, he told me again that he’s not physically attracted to me. We have always been really touchy, we’re shirtless around each other a lot, and I’m struggling to believe him when he says he’s not physically attracted to me. How do you make out with someone you don’t find physically attractive? Further developments: There have been two recent instances in which he moved in on a woman I had expressed an interest in. I told him off about this, and he said he won’t do it again, but doesn’t that say something about him? Is there some kind of combo of competition, subconsciously trying to keep me unlaid or voodoo connection? Am I just being paranoid?
Wants Hetero Affections Tamed

This guy sounds like a narcissistic douchebag who enjoys toying with people who are attracted to him. He sounds like a narcissistic douchebag with a bit of a sadistic streak. Telling someone mid-make-out-session that you’re not really attracted to them is cruel, getting half-naked with someone who’s into you when you’re not into them is cruel, swooping down on girls who your queer girlfriend has expressed an interest in is cruel and an asshole move. All his moves are asshole moves. Now, I’m sure this guy has lots of wonderful qualities – most narcissistic douchebags have some cause to be narcissists – and you don’t have to cut him out of your life. But you do need to be less open with him emotionally, socially and sexually. Don’t give him any more opportunities to toy with you – no touchy-touchy, no make-out sessions, no partial disrobing – and don’t point out girls you’re interested in. Or, hey, get your revenge by “expressing an interest” in girls you don’t think are hot.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Are shrinks good for your love life? Also, how should you comport yourself when you’re the Dungeon Master and you have to watch your ex-girlfriend be some other guy’s slave? Find out at

Dan’s new book – American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics – is available now.


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