Florida is this country’s main exporter of zany arrests and batshit tales, and this year, we did not disappoint. We chased a terrible politician out of a restaurant, discovered the largest python orgy in Collier County and proclaimed our love of eating ass. Here are 38 instances of the weird and bizarre shit we unfortunately witnessed in this state during 2018. Hats off to you, Florida, for another wacky year. 

 

An Apopka man was arrested after Florida wildlife officials say he dumped leftover red paint into a burrow, dousing the gopher tortoise living inside. Read more here.
In an interview with The Economist, U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio said that “there’s no evidence whatsoever” that the corporate tax cut he and fellow Republicans passed last year is benefiting workers. Cool. Read more here.
When probed on the President Trump’s alleged remarks calling Haiti and African nations “shithole countries,” U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz told MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, “I would say that the conditions in Haiti are deplorable, they are disgusting. I mean, everywhere you look in Haiti, it’s sheet metal and garbage when I was there.” Read more here.
Florida congressman Matt Gaetz posted a picture to his Facebook account showing a student at Shoal River Middle School giving him the one-fingered salute. Read more here. Read more here.
While appearing on MSNBC’s AM Joy With Joy Reid, the Republican junior congressman became visibly uncomfortable when he wasn’t served his usual Fox News softballs, and began to resemble what appeared to be just three wriggling kids stacked on top of each other in a grown man’s suit. Read more here.
A recent video showed a herd of deer presumably allowing a Kaiju-sized gator to play through at a Florida golf course, a scene that is incredibly normal here in the Sunshine State. Read more here.
An actual road sign in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, was hacked to read “Hell yeah brother I eat ass.” Indeed. Shout it from the mountaintop, you noble diner. Read more here.
In less than a week, two prominent Florida Republicans openly questioned why you can’t refer to black people as apes. Read more here.
Considering Florida ranked second in the nation last year in bicycle and pedestrian deaths, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise at this point to see a guy riding his bike down a busy highway. Read more here.
The state’s most metal ant tricks a powerful species known as trap-jaw ants by chemically mimicking them and then spraying these enemy ants with immobilizing formic acid. Read more here.
Twitter user @danimidah posted a video of the incident showing an unidentified man gripping the hood of the car while going upwards of 69 miles per hour on I-95. Nice. Read more here.
Adam Putnam, a self-described “proud NRA sellout” running for governor of Florida and monogamous lover of only one special word, bragged about how many times he said “Florida” in last week’s debate with Congressman Ron DeSantis. Read more here.
The excessive amount of yayo was found by an unnamed “good Samaritan” drifting just south of Pensacola. Read more here.
While reeling in a 3-foot shark, a Florida fisherman helplessly watched as his catch was devoured by a massive 500-pound Goliath grouper. Read more here.
Marco Rubio, a Florida senator who once lobbed a football directly into a little kid’s head, said he wishes he could just spend Sunday afternoons watching the NFL and not be reminded of the horrifying reality he helped create. Read more here.
An accused car thief running from authorities through a pasture can be seen getting “corralled” by a large herd of bovines, which clearly suggests that all cows in Florida should be considered law enforcement at this point. Read more here.
Florida Senator Marco Rubio, a guy who once casually beaned a kid in the face with a football, has recently been peddling a string of unfounded conspiracy theories regarding the recent Florida recounts. Now it seems these crackpot theories have now morphed into incredibly horrible football metaphors. Read more here.
Apparently, people can get lice from swimming in the ocean now. And that’s exactly what happened at some Northwest Florida beaches. Read more here.
A Texas woman visiting Key West will serve 15 days in jail after collecting 40 conch shells that she planned to give away as gifts. Read more here.
A young man from Florida found himself in a serious jam after deciding to climb into a claw machine to get a stuffed animal. Read more here.
Matt Gaetz, a Republican congressman from Florida who once filed a bill to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency, has realized that our state’s current incredibly disgusting algae crisis is indeed “horrifying.” Read more here.
Lane Pitmann, a Jacksonville resident who went viral a couple years ago for head-banging to Slayer’s “Raining Blood” while shirtless during Hurricane Matthew, re-emerged for Florence with a video captioned, “YOU ARE WEAK AND SMALL FLORENCE!!!!! FLORIDA MAN IS HERE!!!!!” Read more here.
Florida Gov. Rick Scott lasted about 10 minutes at a restaurant before crowds upset about the state’s continuous red tide algae issues eventually booed him out the back door. Read more here.
A recent video shows a man casually driving his Sea-Doo down a Florida highway, something that’s both totally legal and possible now. Read more here.
Florida Gov. Rick Scott, a man who once oversaw the largest Medicare fraud in U.S. history, argued that only he and his GOP colleagues can “protect” Medicare, a program they’ve historically tried to destroy. Read more here.
Republican Senate candidate Rick Scott, who as governor of Florida is currently suing to end the federal requirement that insurance companies must cover pre-existing conditions, released a heartwarming new ad saying he’s in support of *squints at notes* covering pre-existing conditions. Read more here.
That’s what we call a murder log. Read more here.
Publix freed the beard when the supermarket chain announced it would reverse company policy and allow store employees to grow beards. Read more here.
A gas station owner in Jacksonville is extremely pissed that people keep warming their urine in the store microwave. Read more here.
Giant gators aren’t the only reptiles wandering onto Florida golf courses. Read more here.
An astonishingly well-made Lord Voldemort/Rick Scott lawn sign appeared in Florida. Read more here.
Florida, a state that consistently elects politicians who refuse to acknowledge the life-threatening effects of climate change, will definitely be screwed by said climate change in the near future, according to a federal report. Read more here.
While a fire raged inside Cannibal Corpse guitarist Pat O’Brien’s Florida home, the death metal legend allegedly broke into a neighbor’s home and was later tased and arrested after running toward a deputy with a knife. Read more here.
Arguably no one was more stunned with the Arctic blast that gripped most of the country than Florida’s reptiles, specifically the invasive iguanas. Read more here.
An invasive Burmese python with a surgically implanted tracking device led Florida researchers to the largest snake sex party ever found in Collier County. Read more here.
Otters in Florida were apparently sick and tired of people paddling down their rivers. Read more here.
While delivering his annual address to the country’s Federal Assembly today, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin showed off some fancy new weaponry by displaying an animated video of a nuclear strike on the United States, specifically Florida, or to be even more exact – the site of President Trump’s private golf club. Read more here.
Florida congressman Matt Gaetz’s special guest for President Trump’s State of the Union address was Chuck Johnson, a banned Twitter troll, accused Holocaust denier and vocal affiliate of the “alt-right” white nationalist movement. Read more here.