WRONG, WRONGER, WRONGEST

SKILLS TEST FOR NEW FEMA DIRECTORS

This is a test of knowledge and aptitudes you are expected to hold as an applicant for the position of FEMA director. Questions cover disciplines including math, logic, economics, analogies and professional ethics. (Yes, seriously.) Read each question carefully and mark the BEST answer on your answer sheet. Use a No. 2 pencil. If you don’t know an answer immediately, skip it and return to it when you can. And for God’s sake, don’t go shooting your mouth off about it to Wolf Blitzer. You have 45 minutes to complete all work required of you, but remember that problem-solving time tends to elapse a lot faster than most of us think. Good luck.

1) How long will it take to evacuate 500,000 residents of a region that has been buffeted by a natural disaster?
a. Two days
b. Three days, tops
c. 500,000 x 3.14
d. Not enough information given: We don’t know how many of the affected are darkies

2) A levee breaks on your watch. You tell the media that recovery efforts are difficult because you knew the levee was going to break, but not in so many places. What is the mathematical formula that shows a levee can be “more” or “less” broken?
a. 3x/y, with x = the capacity of the levee and y = the number of punctures
b. x + 2(3), with x = the diameter of the largest crack
c. 3(3) – y2, with x = the capacity of the levee and y = the rate of erosion
d. 5(x4) + y(y-4), with x = the cost of a high school education and y = the percentage of Americans who have never tried to drink from a broken beer mug

3) While on a publicity tour of a shelter facility, your boss’ mother tells reporters that enforced relocation is “working very well” for many of its temporary residents. How do you respond to this gaffe in a way that is tactful but nips potential fallout in the bud?
a. Say nothing and hope nobody notices
b. Take your boss’ mother aside and tell her in private that she should consider issuing a retraction
c. Take your boss aside and warn him against letting his mother near reporters in the future
d. You’re worried about tact now? Stick the crazy old bat in an oil drum and bury her like plutonium until this all blows over

4) A friend of yours, Trent, loses his house in a natural disaster. Another of your friends, George, promises that the American people will buy him “a fantastic new house.” How much will it cost to build this dream home?
a. A flat $2 million
b. The market value of the old home times one-third the current retail price of lawn jockeys
c. The combined annual income of any 100 other Americans affected by the disaster
d. Whatever loose change is found lying around on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s nightstand

5) “Compassionate conservatism” is to “disaster aid” as “Fortune 500” is to …
a. benefits package
b. double billing
c. casual Friday
d. dispensing overtime pay in the form of Crispers coupons

6) Which of the following is the least relevant to emergency-aid work?
a. A strong history of advocating on behalf of electrical contractors
b. A strong history of advocating on behalf of Arabian stallions
c. Hands-on experience in the growth field of professional résumé doctoring
d. Rock-hard abs

7) In the wake of a life-altering catastrophe, your boss announces his intention to issue a $2,000 debit card to every survivor. At the same time, the cost of gas increases 500 percent. How much will each survivor actually receive after the added expenditure is factored in?
a. $1,500
b. $3,000
c. $0
d. More than he’d be getting in a communist country, so he should take the card and shut up already

8) Some hurricane victims are looters. All looters are black. Therefore:
a. All blacks are looters.
b. Some looters are not hurricane victims.
c. Most hurricane victims are not black.
d. Black grocers are screwed six ways to Sunday.

9) A massive hurricane hits a major metropolitan center, displacing thousands and destroying untold amounts of property. Your boss gives his assurances that everything will be put to right without any interruption in his costly war-making campaigns or his program of tax cuts for the wealthy. What do we call the law of physics that allows this to happen?
a. Newton’s first law
b. Occam’s razor
c. The Peter principle
d. Clap your hands, children, if you want Tinkerbell to live!