Do:
1. … go cheesy. Extremely cheesy, like a photographic puzzle of yourselves at a picnic (www.jigsaw2order.com).
2. … wear/take/have installed protection. Nothing says “obligatory holiday sex” like a November baby. Just another mouth to feed on Thanksgiving.
3. … hire the Orlando Barbershop Chorus of Greater Orlando to perform a singing Valentine for your love. You’ll need your throat later.
4. … go to a gay bar if you’re straight. Her eyes may wander, but they won’t be going anywhere.
5. … surprise him with a threesome. But only if he got you a photographic puzzle.
6. … give her Stacy Schiff’s biography of Cleopatra. Because it turns out, nobody’s as hot as Elizabeth Taylor. Feel better, honey?
7. … manscape. It’s bigger than you might think.
Don’t
1. … eat a heavy meal before sex. Societal pressure to fuck weighs you down enough already. Don’t add to it.
2. … see Blue Valentine. She doesn’t need tips on how to leave you.
3. … “accidentally” slip it in the butt. If he or she miraculously does agree to it, or is gay, avoid heavy legumes and/or green vegetables. They don’t make a Hallmark card for “Sorry I farted on your dick.”
4. … go to a gay bar if you’re gay. The competition’s too thick.
5. … vajazzle. You never know when the glue is dry.
6. … look at Internet photos of Kanye West’s monster cock. It will shame/disgust you.
7. … go anywhere near a naked sushi situation. There’s nothing erotic about smelling like a wharf.
This article appears in Feb 9-15, 2011.