At its heart, summer is a philosophical dilemma. As children, we sought to cram as many jelly beans into our gullets and jump off as many tall things as we could, but somehow it was never enough. Now that we don't get the time off, we look at these bright, sweltering days and ask in our best Peggy Lee: "Is that all there is ... to adventure?"
But it's not. It's just that we didn't know what we wanted. And we pretend like we still don't, but we do. All of the clubbing and the drinking and the candy and the surfing ... It's all a substitute for what we're really after.
We want to bang. All the time. Everywhere. (We also want booze, but that is everywhere, so less of a dilemma.) For some reason, though, we've confined our passions to a couple rooms, usually in our own boring houses.
But why? We are bonobos, not chimps. We want every sparkling moment punctuated by climax, followed by a short nap. Probably because this country was founded by Puritans with belts on their hats, which we guess kept their libidos from finding a way out of their hair. So public sex is still pretty taboo. Though upping the ante can make the game more exciting, sometimes you don't want the neighbors to think you're a pervert. But you shouldn't let that stop you from ferreting out some discreet public spaces where you can get it on with a modicum of privacy and respectability. Or not.
Following is a list of six spots we think are fair game for hot and sweaty public sex this summer. We've rated them on a scale of 1-5 for comfort, visibility and degree of wrongness. Browse the list, try it out, then go to our website and leave a comment letting us know if the spots we've picked helped you hit a home run.
Orlando Public Library
4th Floor - Reference Section
101 E. Central Blvd.
The thought of going at it in a library might be a cliché, but there's something about all that quiet, all those people trying to get privately absorbed in public, noses down, gazes averted ... it's a recipe for sexual tension. We recommend the desks near the law books. Most of the time, the place is empty, and we're pretty sure there isn't a lawyer or paralegal in town who wouldn't sympathize if he or she wandered in on you. The only problem is, they may ask to join in.
Besides, there's something delicious about doing it pressed against the statutes.
Comfort: (4 out of 5)
Visibility: (3 out of 5)
Degree of Wrongness: (3 out of 5)
Swan Boat
Lake Eola, downtown Orlando
Now this is what summer days were made for: The romance, the mist from the fountain, the gawking children and homeless people. Yes, everything about getting it on in the plastic pastoral park is right, except you are definitely going to jail. Definitely. Even if you do it right and borrow a swan boat at night, the new high tech fountain lights are bound to give you away. Still, there are worse things that could go on your record.
Comfort: (2 out of 5)
Visibility: (5 out of 5)
Degree of Wrongness: (1 out of 5)
Baywash Bikini Car Wash
100 S. Semoran Blvd., Winter Park
We are by no means suggesting that you try to entice any of the lovely ladies employed here to suds up your hood and give you a happy ending with your detailing. After all, this is a place of business, and they have a job to do. Bring your own hook-up. But you've got to love the idea of getting so dirty while other people are working to make you so clean.
Comfort: (4 out of 5)
Visibility: (5 out of 5)
Degree of Wrongness: (3 out of 5)
Burger King - BK Lounge
2000 Consulate Drive
Don't have $400 to drop on "bottle service" at your favorite club? Not to worry. BK has recreated the club lounge experience with a semi-private section of plush chairs and a long bar. Yeah, you'll probably be seen, but no minimum-wage burger flipper is going to mind the fact that you just livened up an otherwise completely boring day. If you've ever wanted to feel like a rock star and make your sex smell like bacon, this is the place.
Comfort: (5 out of 5)
Visibility: (3 out of 5)
Wrongness: (4 out of 5)
Greenwood Cemetery - Babyland
1603 Greenwood St.
To be honest, this is why we created the wrongness category. Let each level of that sink in. Hardcore outdoor sex ... in a cemetery ... on top of the plots devoted to infants. OK, first off, you're really not going to want to get caught doing this because there are some parents who might care. So head to one of the very old Babyland plots, over near the 408, where the grass is cool, there's shade, you're really out of the way. And with the highway right there, you could probably even make some noise if you wanted to.
Comfort: (4 out of 5)
Visibility: (2 out of 5)
Wrongness: (6 out of 5)
Orlando Weekly Parking Lot
1505 E. Colonial Drive
We are bored and lonely people who promise just to peek. Can't say the same for the employees of the Florida Safety Council, which shares our building, however. We won't tell. They might.
Comfort: (2 out of 5)
Visibility: (2 out of 5)
Wrongness: (1 out of 5)
