IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME
| • H. Ross Perot |
| • Jonathan Livingston Seagull |
| • Enchilada wedding buffet |
| • Dating your roommate’s cousin |
| • Dating your roommate |
| • Dating |
| • My Two Dads |
| • Ethnic cleansing |
| • Edie Brickell |
| • Swapping dental dams |
| • Strip air hockey |
| • Drowning offspring in perfectly good Subaru |
| • The Crusades |
| • Teaching the Snuggle bear to huff |
| • Pets.com |
| • Poppin’ and lockin’ |
| • Taking nude photos of Korean stepdaughter |
| • Appeasement |
| • Red Bull with Listerine chaser |
| • Jayson Blair, intern |
| • Intramural Crisco wrestling |
| • Marrying him to change him |
| • French bath/flossing at leisure |
| • Allowing laser anywhere near vagina, “rejuvenating” or no |
| • The rhythm method |
| • Stripper pole in family rec room |
| • Blended families |
| • Extended families |
| • Families |
| • Bringing laser pointer to Bible study |
| • Blond streak on any brunette save Keith Richards |
| • From Justin to Kelly: The Complete Shooting Script |
| • Giving up hacky-sack, taking up cracky-sack |
| • Clicking on the attachment |
| • Pinto street racing |
| • “Retiring” vinyl |
|
| • “Un-retiring” Carlos Santana |
| • Four hours with Bob Woodward |
| • Dumping Atari system, keeping ColecoVision |
| • Bear-baiting |
| • Line dancing |
| • Sympathy for the devil |
| • The Second Amendment |
| • Noam Chomsky Underoos |
| • Letting the Parkay vent |
| • NPR’s Dining Out With Jack Henry Abbott |
| • Invading rival high school without approval of model U.N. |
| • Dennis Miller |
| • Duets with dead people |
| • Piss Christ-by-numbers |
| • Becoming Chris Gaines, even for a minute |
| • May-December coprophagia |
| • Filling up on bread and rolls |
| • Bare-knuckle jury tampering |
| • Compassionate conservatism |
| • Crashing the Donner party |
| • Elective surgery |
| • Saving the best tunes for your solo album |
| • Drawing the line at oral |
| • “The queue forms directly in front of the publicist’s car” |
| • The History Channel’s I Love the 1880s |
| • Beta anything |
| • Not mentioning your herpes, but alluding to it |
| • The Satanic Verses: The Junior Novel |
| • Saving the best tunes for your solo album |
| • Shoplifting watermelon in tankini |
| • The Geneva Convention |
| • The honor system |
| • Swingles’ garage sale |
| • Holistic auto repair |
| • That goddamn feeding tube, always with the feeding tube |
| • Hindsight |
|
This article appears in Jun 2-8, 2004.
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