We haven’t brushed up on the whole Nativity Story thing since like fourth grade, but as we recall, nobody liked the guy who said, “No room at the inn!” Don’t be that guy. Open up your home, your heart and that cabinet where you keep all your tuna to one of these cute creatures this week – or go on down to the Orange County animal shelter and meet dozens more. It’s a sure bet that there’s a furry friend there just waiting to meet you.
About these photos: They were taken, with much effort and patience, by Pawsitive Shelter Photography (shelterphotos.zenfolio.com) and Hot Dog Pet Photography (hotdogpetphoto graphy.com). Cats can be more difficult to photograph than dogs, and Tom and Erika Pitera of Hot Dog and Paul Wean and Joan Reines of Pawsitive are candidates for sainthood in our book. Not just because of how hard they worked on this project – it took half a day to get these pictures, and if you’ve never tried to put a hat on a cat, you haven’t lived – but because of the real effect they are having on adoption rates. In 2011, OCAS put down 11,000 animals; this year, thanks to the hard work of dedicated volunteers and full-time staff, just 4,500 so far in 2017.
For the entire month of December, Orange County Animal Services has reduced adoption rates to only $12. Adoption fees cover sterilization, vaccinations and microchipping. Orange County Animal Services is located at 2769 Conroy Road, and the shelter is open 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Monday through Saturday and from 1-5 p.m. Sunday. For more information, call 407-836-3111 or visit ocnetpets.com.
Leah
ID NUMBER: A392739AGE: 7 months
GENDER: Female
STAR SIGN: Clearly a Jellicle
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
TURN-ONS: Breaking your spirit until you become subservient
TURN-OFFS: Being grabbed by tiny presidential hands
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Napping in a ray of sunshine with my butt on your pillow … hello, adult acne
HIDDEN TALENT: Can meow in Spanish. Listen – ¡miau!
JOBS BEFORE COVER MODEL: I worked part-time in the Texas toddler pageant circuit as a wig bun. You know what they say – the bigger the hair, the closer to the Holy Ball of Yarn in the sky.
FAVORITE HANGOUT: The smallest cardboard box you own
AMBITIONS: To be adopted by an entrepreneurial teen who will make me a viral meme that will advance my dominance over humans for the next century
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Making you a better person by destroying the things you love (mostly just Taylor Swift posters)
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: To Beyoncé’s house, duh
Simon
AGE: 2 yearsGENDER: Male
STAR SIGN: Leo (natch)
ID: A391008
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
TURN-ONS: Eye contact, slow blinks, catnip
TURN-OFFS: Hands coming within 100 yards of my stomach
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Sleeping in sunlight, drinking out of the shower tap, reading Susan Sontag novels
HIDDEN TALENT: Can see ghosts
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Intern bookstore cat
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Wherever you are (though at a respectful distance)
AMBITIONS: To catch that laser pointer bead
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Hiding articles of clothing and personal effects under furniture for later inspection
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: To the Strand in New York
Mac
AGE: 3 yearsGENDER: Male
STAR SIGN: Libra
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
CELLMATE NUMBER: A391919
COMFORT FOODS: Mac & cheese (hint: I’m the Mac)
GUILTY PLEASURE: Smoking a little cannabis … all the time
HIDDEN TALENT: Ability to light said cannabis without possessing thumbs
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION: To further my wardrobe of multi-colored, ruffly collars with little bells on them
MOST SUCCESSFUL PICKUP LINE: “Are we in a litter box? Because I’m diggin’ you.”
FAVORITE BAND: Pussy Riot
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Behind the couch, barely out of sight, so I can swat at unsuspecting messy man-buns and other fading fashion statements, like giant scarves
FAVORITE PLAYWRIGHT: Tennessee Williams, particularly Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Horton
AGE: 2, but this is only my first of nine livesGENDER: Male (definitely male, very male, so male it hurts)
STAR SIGN: Taurus
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
CELL NUMBER: A392429
TURN-ONS: Birdwatching (or, as some felines call it, “birding”), bird-eating, eating other small available rodents, Tucker Carlson
TURN-OFFS: “Dog people,” vacuum cleaners, bodies of water, pretty much all water, the satisfaction people get out of putting pet sweaters on me
GUILTY PLEASURES: Watching YouTube videos of people falling down, long naps,pawing at and chasing Christmas ornaments
MOST SUCCESSFUL PICKUP LINE: “It’s meow or never, babe.”
FAVORITE BOOK: Conscience of a Conservative by Barry Goldwater
FIVE-YEAR PLAN: To nail this adoption profile so I won’t end up eating out of the dumpster behind Hooters
DREAM JOB: To hunt your run-of-the-muck house mice
PET PEEVE: When I get tape on the bottom of my feet
Holly
ID NUMBER: 392980AGE: 6 months
GENDER: Female
STAR SIGN: An innocent Gemini
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
THINGS THAT MAKE ME MEOW: Shredding your last toilet paper roll, slow birds, attacking your feet while you sleep
THINGS THAT MAKE ME HISS: Dressing me in baby clothes
GUILTY PLEASURES: Snacking on emergency bacon, ripping into your bread bag and taking a bite of each slice, watching you shower
SECRET WISH: To grow these ears out and fulfill my destiny of becoming a lynx
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I had a low-wage gig at JetBlue as a neck pillow that stays warm and will NOT come off despite turbulence.
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Myself, in the mirror, constantly
AMBITIONS: To find a home with the perfect equilibrium of complete devotion and terrorized respect for me
FEARS: A closet shelf I can’t reach
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Watch the “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” scene in Lion King on repeat
Willow
AGE: 1 yearGENDER: Female
ID: A388331
STAR SIGN: Sagittarius
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
TURN-ONS: Scarves, plastic bags, catnip mice
TURN-OFFS: Dogs, water, citrus
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Trying to catch that red dot that appears out of nowhere
HIDDEN TALENT: X-ray vision – only works in the pantry, though
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Did some seasonal work wrapping presents at the Florida Mall for tips. It didn’t go well. How’s a girl supposed to concentrate around all that ribbon?
FAVORITE HANGOUT: On top of the couch, preferably one with a window above it
AMBITIONS: I’d like to get my cosmetology license so I can help others with their nails. I’ll settle for a high-end scratching post, though.
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu and hoping you don’t notice the effect on your recommendations
IF I COULD GO ANYWHERE, I WOULD GO: To sleep
Julius
AGE: 4 years oldPRONOUNS: Them/they
ID: A391662
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? Rewriting and hitting send on an email to your boss while sitting on your laptop
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? Walking on a leash. Actually, that should be YOUR greatest fear – trying to make me.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN YOURSELF? Um … nothing, not one thing, I’m creamy ginger perfection.
WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS? Being stingy with the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE? Ava DuVernay
WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE WRITERS? T.S. Eliot, Edward Lear, Christopher Smart, Tom Cox, H.H. Munro
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Nothing (see above)
ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE? Every morning, when I swear to you that I haven’t eaten yet
Rocky
AGE: 1 yearGENDER: Male
ID: A392716
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
TURN-ONS: Dank memes, free wifi, that web video where the dog can’t catch anything
TURN-OFFS: Ajit Pai, telecom companies that are trying to end net neutrality
FAVORITE ACTIVITIES: Sharing selfies on Instagram, cultivating my brand, preparing meals from Blue Apron
HIDDEN TALENT: Ranked in the top 20 percent of players in PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: I briefly worked as an assistant parfumier, but the company wasn’t willing to go “fish-forward” as much as I wanted. Their loss.
FAVORITE HANGOUT: Right on top of your iPad
AMBITIONS: To make the front page of Reddit
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Share pictures of cat food on Snapchat
IF I COULD DO ANYTHING, I WOULD: Poop in Bright House’s shoe
Snow
AGE: 2 years oldGENDER: Female
STAR SIGN: Scorpio
ID: A391746
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
THINGS THAT MAKE ME MEOW: Artisanal catnip, feet that are under blankets
THINGS THAT MAKE ME HISS: Tinder conversations that begin with “Did you see that article on the Huffington Post?”
GUILTY PLEASURES: Empty plastic shopping bags, bobby pins
SECRET WISH: To lead an all-cat choir singing “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
JOBS BEFORE MODELING: Hypnotist (LOOK INTO MY EYES)
PEOPLE I ADMIRE: Robert Smith, Bob Morris
AMBITIONS: To be a MacArthur Genius Grant recipient
FEARS: Bodies of water, Twitter
FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN MY HUMANS ARE AWAY: Workshop my modern dance routines
Caterina
AGE: 1 year oldGENDER: Male (but gender is just a social construct)
ID NUMBER: A391469
PERSONAL MOTTO: “Raaaeeeeeerrreee”
HOBBIES: Sunbathing, pressing my face against yours, sticking my paws under the bathroom door because I know goddamn well you’re in there doing something
WEIRD TALENT: I can position my butt directly in your face while you eat, no problem.
THREE TRUTHS AND A LIE: I’ve never been to Paris. I hate dogs. I can swallow a fidget spinner.
DARK CONFESSION: I once pretended the owner of a cool beach house was alive so that me and my buds could throw an awesome weekend rager.
IDEAL HUMAN: Not picky at all, just looking for a human that’s subordinate and rich in kitty litter
TURN-OFFS: Baths
CELEBRITY CRUSH: John Cena
DREAM JOB: I’d love to curl up on Rick Scott’s head and have him wear me like a turban.
Grinch
AGE: 8 years oldGENDER: Male
PRISONER NUMBER: A393542
NICKNAME: Burger … yeah, it was self-administered.
I WISH I HAD: A Sonicare toothbrush
HOBBIES: Power naps, getting in close for a serious snug, staring at nothing and screaming, waking up at 2 a.m. every night for a jog around the house, Bikram yoga
FAVORITE FOOD: Fancy Feast, plastic bags, power cords
SECRET DESIRE: Me, perfect and wonderful, sitting on your face while you, weak and pathetic, turn on the TV
EMBARRASSING MOMENT: I once got my head stuck in a Pringles can for three days, but it turned out OK because it was Screamin’ Dill Pickle flavor.
CELEBRITY CRUSH: Martha Stewart
DARK CONFESSION: I think fruit on the bottom yogurt is better if you eat it straight up and don’t mix it.
DREAM VACATION: You gone for two weeks
Chestnut
AGE: 4 months oldGENDER: female
PRISON NUMBER: A393541
CURRENT HOME: Orange County Animal Services
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? Making biscuits and drooling on your T-shirt, with occasional affectionate claw puncture wounds
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? The OCAS staff is really lovely, but I wouldn’t want to live here forever … I am afraid I’ll never get adopted.
WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE? Well, I tried to bleach my mustache, but it didn’t work out so well.
WHAT IS YOUR MOST MARKED CHARACTERISTIC? My jaunty half-white mustache (lemons outta lemonade, baby)
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A MAN? Ability to use a can opener
WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST LIKE IN A WOMAN? Willingness to share sushi
WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION? My catnip-stuffed Trump doll
WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO LIVE? YOUR HOUSE
WHO ARE YOUR HEROES IN REAL LIFE? You, if you take me home.
This article appears in Dec 20-26, 2017.
