Savage Love: 'As Billy Porter was sent down to earth to teach us, articles of clothing don't have genders'

"Fast and Furious"
"Fast and Furious" illustration by Joe Newton

Dear Dan: I'm a straight guy but my whole life I have wanted to be spanked by older men. Does this make any sense? Because I'm confused. I don't like or want penis. Yet I want to be spanked as a punishment by men. I don't understand myself sometimes. — Sincerely Pondering And Not Knowing

Dear SPANK: The truly important question here isn't why you want this, but how much more time you're gonna waste sitting on your ass wondering why you want this when you could be out there getting that ass spanked? And even if you came up with a neat and tidy answer, you're still gonna want older men to spank you. Because getting to the bottom of a kink — identifying some childhood trauma that explains everything — isn't a cure. Instead of seeing the spankings you want as a riddle you need to solve, you should see them as a reward for all the wondering you've had to do. If you need a label, SPANK, just say you're bisexual for spankings. Not bi for blowjobs, not bi for anal, not bi for JO or mutual masturbation. Just bi for spankings.

Dear Dan: I like the way you walk the talk because gay guys in women's clothes get me hard and horny and when I see a gay guy dressed in sexy clothing it just makes me want to jerk off and maybe one day I'll meet a gay guy like you and suck and blow him. — Gooning About Gay Guys In Naughty Gowns

Dear GAGGING: Articles of clothing don't have genders, because anyone can wear anything, as Billy Porter was sent down to earth to teach us. Also, not all gowns are naughty — think night, hospital, dressing, etc. That said, GAGGING, I don't wear the kind of clothing the cishet patriarchy would have us believe is for women alone. Well, I don't wear that stuff anymore. I used to drag, GAGGING, and the pictures are out there, but I haven't worn so much as a skirt for years. So you can stop thinking about sucking my dick.

Dear Dan: I'm hoping to get an objective POV on something. I'm a 31-year-old male bottom. I have been in an open relationship with an amazing 31-year-old male top for 12 years. One year ago, I started to suffer some gender dysphoria. At roughly the same time he expressed a desire to be topped. I never had any desire to top someone, I've never even felt that male urge to thrust my hips, but I hate that I've let my BF down. I can do this, but only with the help of ED meds. How can I get some pleasure out of it? — Topping Burden

Dear TB: You could penetrate your BF with toys, or you could take one (or give one) for the team once in a while (by taking ED meds and topping him), or your boyfriend could bottom for other men, seeing as your relationship is already open. Or all of the above. And if it's the thrusting and/or being in control that turns you off (or tweaks your gender dysphoria), take an ED med and let your boyfriend ride your hard dick — then instead of you fucking him, he'll be fucking himself. Power bottom, sub top!

Dear Dan: I'm wondering how AJ, the FinDom you quoted at length in your most recent column, wound up on your radar and getting what amounted to free advertising in your column. You said he lives in the Pacific Northwest. Isn't that where you live, Dan? And you said his bathroom is always spotlessly clean. How would you know that? Are you his bathroom? — Dan's Ethics Are Lacking

Dear DEAL: I've never met AJ in person, there's more than one city in the Pacific Northwest (and we don't live in the same one), and I found AJ looking for gay FinDoms on Twitter who might want to answer CASHFAG's question. That said, DEAL, while I'm far too cheap to be anyone's finsub (or their sugar daddy, for that matter), I do enjoy cleaning bathrooms — but not in a pervy way. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms in an eat-an-edible-and-listen-to-musicals-and-zone-out-doing-housework-while-the-husband-and-his-boyfriend-are-at-the-gym sort of way. So, while I wouldn't necessarily say no to cleaning AJ's bathroom, I haven't been asked, DEAL, and consequently haven't had the pleasure.

Dear Dan: This is about your recent response to UNCUT, the guy who met men who believed they were uncut when they were very much cut. You suggested that these men were lying about being uncircumcised. But not knowing might be more common than we assume. This is from Epidemiology, the authoritative textbook written by Leon Gordis of the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health: "They asked a group of men whether or not they had been circumcised. The men were then examined by a physician. Of the 56 men who stated they were circumcised, 19, or 33.9%, were found to be uncircumcised. Of the 136 men who stated they were not circumcised, 47, or 34.6%, were found to be circumcised. These data demonstrate that the findings from studies using interview data may not always be clear-cut." — Some Truly Are Thrown

Dear STAT: While it's true that men lie to prospective sex partners all the time — and, yes, #NotAllMen and #SomeWomenToo — it turns out that men may not be lying about this. In addition to the textbook example you shared, STAT, other readers sent along a clip of Patrick Stewart on the Graham Norton Show. In it, Stewart tells Norton he got into an argument with his wife about his dick one day. He insisted he was circumcised, she insisted he was not. Stewart, who thought he knew his own dick, followed up with his doctor and it turned out his wife, who may have had a larger frame of reference, was correct: Contrary to what Stewart believed about his own dick, he was not circumcised as an infant or at any time in his life. The clip, which is easy to find on YouTube (and very funny), is yet more evidence — anecdotal, in Stewart's case — that some men don't know from their own dicks.

Dear Dan: In your reply to "SADSON" you are clearly taking sides based on how comfortable you must be about withholding the truth from a partner. You say the father should have "kept his mouth shut" about the affair he had! You know nothing about this couple's values and decisions! Who are you to push your views on others? Many of us consider lying about cheating reprehensible! And the last sentence of your response ("I hope there were other women") was astonishingly juvenile, mean-spirited and vindictive — and for what reason? To take sides against a clearly tormented heterosexual woman! Disgusting and shameful! — Thoroughly Appalling Take Enrages Reader

Dear TATER: This is an advice column. People send in questions; I answer those questions. So, I'm not pushing my views on anyone here. I'm sharing my views. That's literally my job. And I'm not the first advice columnist to urge a cheater to withhold the truth from a partner: "The adulterer who wants to 'set everything right' by telling all would be better advised to keep his mouth shut and work out his guilt by behaving in a more thoughtful, loving, considerate way and stay out of other beds in the future." That's from the Ann Landers Encyclopedia, which was published in 1978. (Ann assumes all adulterers are male; I guess she could also be accused of "taking sides.")

In the case of SADSON's parents, TATER, don't you think SADSON's mom would've been happier if her husband had taken Ann Landers' advice and kept his fucking mouth shut? Instead, SADSON's dad told SADSON's mom about the affair he'd had a decade after it was over. So, it wasn't the affair that tormented SADSON's mom, but knowing about it. As for my snarky post-script ("I hope there were other women"), SADSON's mom has made her husband's life a daily living hell for 30 years. Why? Because he fucked somebody else 40 years ago. I don't know about you, TATER, but I think the punishment should fit the crime. And there's only one way that's possible here: more crimes, lots of crimes, so many crimes.

Ask: [email protected]
Follow Dan: @FakeDanSavage on Twitter
Columns, podcasts, books, merch and more:


Since 1990, Orlando Weekly has served as the free, independent voice of Orlando, and we want to keep it that way.

Becoming an Orlando Weekly Supporter for as little as $5 a month allows us to continue offering readers access to our coverage of local news, food, nightlife, events, and culture with no paywalls.

Join today because you love us, too.

Scroll to read more Savage Love articles

Join Orlando Weekly Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.