Savage Love

I'm a young, straight feminist male and I've been dating my feminist girlfriend monogamously for almost two years. Recently, I've been coming to terms with the fact that I am turned on by rape fantasies.

I sent out some feelers with my girlfriend by initiating a conversation about kinks and asking about what types of kinks she would be comfortable accommodating. I asked her to imagine that I fantasized about feeling up women on the subway and wanted her to help realize that fantasy scenario with me. Her response was that I needed to be "cured" of my desires and to that end she would try to show me how enjoyable consensual sex could be. My first thought was, "Well that's not GGG …" but then I reconsidered: Would indulging that fantasy only reinforce patriarchal patterns of thought that I've worked to expunge from my brain? How much of a point does she have?

Feminist Rape Fantasist

DTMFA. I'm not telling you to dump your girlfriend because she won't let you feel her up on the subway, FRF. She isn't obligated to help you realize your consensual-rape-lite fantasies. If that shit squicks her out, that shit squicks her out. But you can't have a mutually fulfilling sexual or romantic relationship with a woman whose first impulse when presented with a run-of-the-mill, completely consensual role-play scenario is to pathologize her partner, declare him sick and accuse him of not being aroused by consensual sex when consensual sex was precisely what he proposed.

The only thing you need to expunge is a girlfriend who regards you as a sicko and a rapist.

How does one get better at sex? I'm a 24-year-old female, I've been with my boyfriend for four years and the sex is just … meh. He had a couple sex partners before me, but he is my first and only. We've been sexual for almost all of our years together, so it's not like we're wanting for practice.

We often ask each other, "What else can I do for you?" I've shared a couple ideas, which we've explored to my minimal comfort, but he always says "nothing" when asked if there's anything he wants to do or try. We have discovered that neither of us particularly cares if we, ourselves, reach orgasm, but we both care very deeply that the other is satisfied. While I don't care much if the sex is mediocre for me, I do want it to be better for him. Are we doomed?

Still A Noob Apparently

The only thing I know for sure, SANA, is this: One of you is going to have to nut/ovum up and get selfish. You're both so giving, so unconcerned with your own pleasure, so invested in pleasing your partner. And all of that sounds so wonderful in theory, but in practice, selfless sex partners make lousy lays. Giving is great, but in every truly great sexual encounter, someone is taking: taking charge, taking over, taking control.

Take a look at where your concern for his satisfaction has gotten you, SANA, and repeat after me: "Fuck him and fuck his satisfaction." Then ask yourself these questions: What do I want? What turns me on? What do I want to experience and explore? You're not doomed if you can come up with the answers to those questions, SANA, but if you can't, well, then I'm afraid you are doomed.

I'm a single, 22-year-old, adorable lesbian living in Chicago. I use a dating website, but I'd like to increase my chances of meeting someone at concerts and improv shows. These events aren't gay-specific and I don't look stereotypically queer, so this scenario seems unlikely. I want to get a fitted, understated (light text, no rainbows) T-shirt that says something like "Single. Lesbian. Interested?" and wear it out. Will this increase the chances that the girl of my dreams will tap me on the shoulder? Will it make me an easier target for hateful assholes?

Looking For Lesbifriends

Both, of course, and you may not like the kind of lesbians that a come-and-lick-me T-shirt attracts. But when you're single and feeling frustrated, and your pool of potential partners is drawn from roughly 2.5 percent of the population, it helps to move on all fronts.

Regarding last week's reply to NORTH: Sure, it's fucked-up that this woman is doing escort work without telling her boyfriend. But you let him off the hook entirely, even though he snooped through her e-mail! They sound like a good fit to me! Because if snooping is OK, who knows what else he's doing behind her back?



I knew not including a little snooping-is-wrong boilerplate in my response to NORTH — a woman who neglected to inform her boyfriend that she was sitting on other men's cocks for money — would get me in trouble. But I didn't include it because I don't believe it.

A confession: I've looked through my boyfriend's e-mail; I assume he's looked through mine. I've scrolled through his text messages; I assume he's scrolled through mine. Expecting your partner not to snoop is like expecting your partner not to fantasize about other people. It's a nice thought, JB, but knowing what we know about human nature it's a little unrealistic.

When someone goes snooping and discovers that their partner is doing sex work then the snooping is retroactively justified.

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