NOV. 16, 3:30 P.M.: A round of knocks on an apartment door in the 3900 block of W.D. Judge Drive portended extremely bad fortune for one unlucky lady, 23, and her scalp.
A resident of the apartment answered the door. On the other side was neither a Girl Scout peddling Thin Mints nor a Jehovah's Witness selling salvation. There in the doorway were four women with one thing on their agenda: kicking some ass, plain and simple.
One of the four began the smackdown by throwing several punches to the 23-year-old resident's face. But the afternoon catfight didn't really get spicy until the assailant uprooted a fistful of hair from the resident's head. To add insult (and more injury) to injury, the perp sunk her teeth into the resident's pinky finger.
On their way out, the fleeing foursome created $150 of damage by snapping the victim's rear car antenna in two. Too kind, ladies.
NOV. 16, 3:27 P.M.: Three minutes earlier, two churchgoing men received a fright of equal proportions in the 4200 block of Pappy Kennedy Street.
The victims were working at their church's entrance when two "questionable characters," as described in the police reports, asked, "You live around here?"
"No," one of the churchgoers replied, according to police documents. Now would have been a super time to take this hint: The God-fearing duo is not up for prattle. Carry on with thine unholy day, hooligans.
Yeah, right. In a matter of seconds, the 18-year-old suspect lost major God points by pressing a gun against one of the men's heads. They ordered the men inside God's living quarters, stripped $66 off one of the hombres and a $280 Nokia cell phone (holy telephony, that must have been one snazzy cellular) and $36 digital camera from the other. Just before escaping, the impious perps requested that the churchmen remove their shoes.
The shoes were spared, but one has to question the oddity of such a request. Some things are better left unknown.
NOV. 15, 11:24 P.M.: A 28-year-old man was cruising in his car along a road in the 4000 block of Maguire Boulevard near Mitchell Nutter Park. All was fine and dandy this starry night, until a bullet struck his red '92 Ford pickup's window. That's right a freakin' bullet.
Frightened, the driver kept truckin' until reaching home, whereupon he notified police and calculated his car's damages to be about $500. Pricy, sure, but much easier to chew than a bullet to the face.
NOV. 9, 3:40 P.M.: Here we have a burglary that was immoral, yes, but at least it did not threaten the lives of innocent city folk. Thank goodness for small favors.
O-Town burglars love churches and schools. This time around, they chose the latter. This particular house of education is located in the 2600 block of Orange Center Boulevard. Entry was gained somehow through a locked classroom window. And what were the goods targeted today, you wonder? A computer hard drive valued at $1,000.
And it wasn't this school's first heisted hard drive. According to police reports, another hard drive was taken just days prior. A word of advice: Fix that window before our burglar or burglars run out of gigabytes again.
NOV. 9, 12:01 A.M.: Turkey day is on the horizon, and a burglar or burglars wanted to make sure they were prepared to cook a hearty home-style meal. So they did what burglars do; they got busy and swiped some appliances.
This kitchen raid began when the suspect or suspects saw a "FOR RENT" sign planted in a front yard in the 1000 block of West Anderson Street. Perhaps the burglar or burglars posed as potential renters, though this scenario is unlikely as they entered the house after the stroke of midnight. Then again, criminals keep odd hours. In any case, they apparently gained entry by slicing open a screened porch, then slipping inside. A living room window was also smashed in the process.
Inside, however, it wasn't very homey. The house had been vacant for three weeks and was undergoing renovations. But even nearly empty homes often house gems, and by now we all know where to find those: in the kitchen. The perps wrestled away a $100 stove and a $125 General Electric refrigerator. Although PVC piping was dismantled, our suspect or suspects spared the kitchen sink. But they did take four bamboo-style blinds valued at 10 bucks a pop right off the windows before leaving.
It is possible that the perp or perps paid Wal-Mart a visit next to procure place mats, pie crusts and perhaps a cornucopia of faux fruits in preparation to give thanks. But that's just this author's guess.