OF NOTE: The ongoing writers’ strike means all premiere dates are subject to change. Also, Tuesday is the day HBO Max officially becomes just Max. Don’t expect Disney+ to follow suit by rechristening themselves “+,” because Ed Sheeran has enough money left to sue.
Premieres Wednesday:
The Family Stallone — Sly and his clan make like the Osbournes with their very own life-at-home show. Cameos are promised from the likes of Al Pacino and Dolph Lundgren. Hey, I hear Brigitte Nielsen is good in these things. Let’s see if ol’ Rambo has the stones to go there. (Paramount+)
High Desert — If you were thinking of retaining a private investigator, you probably wouldn’t want to find out she had a substance-abuse problem and was still reeling from the loss of her mother. Yet that’s just what you’re getting when you hire the PI played by Patricia Arquette in this new dark-comedy series. Listen, I can handle my fictional advocates having feet of clay. Just don’t tell me John Morgan had a DUI or something. (Apple TV+)
Queenmaker: The Making of an It Girl — Those in the mood for a real-life Gossip Girl can check out this documentary about Park Avenue Peerage, the initially anonymous blog that reported on the doings of Manhattan’s young and affluent. The identity of its author may surprise you! (Hint: It wasn’t that guy who does Bungalower, but good guess.) (Hulu)
Working: What We Do All Day — The ethnographies of Studs Terkel get an update in a limited series that shows Barack Obama stopping in at various workplaces to see how today’s Americans view their jobs. Yeah, that’s what we all need to make us even more paranoid than we already are: Undercover President. (Netflix)
Premieres Thursday:
The Ferragnez: The Series — Italy’s answer to the Kardashians are back for a second season, leading up to a big special scheduled for late summer that will follow star Chiara Ferragni as she co-hosts the Sanremo Festival. Too bad it isn’t Fyre, ’cause that would be another entire season’s worth of material right there. (Prime Video)
Kitti Katz — The power of ancient magic turns three teenage soccer players into feline superheroines in this animated adventure series. Gosh, it’s such a shame when adults who should know better convince children they want to be cats before they’re old enough to decide for themselves. (Netflix)
Rainn Wilson and the Geography of Bliss — The former Dwight Schrute goes on a fact-finding tour to contrast the happiest and unhappiest places on Earth. In the “happiest” column: Disney World. In the “unhappiest”: that state penitentiary that’s going up outside Disney World. (Peacock)
Yaki Tori: Soldiers of Misfortune — A series of Japanese light novels is the source material for an anime series about a youthful rebellion against a “superior alien civilization” that has overrun the Earth. But I ask you, what wouldn’t qualify as a superior civilization at this point? Even the Ferengi are looking pretty reasonable right now. (Netflix)
XO, Kitty — This series spun off from the To XO, Kitty — This series spun off from the All the Boys films finds young Kitty Covey (Anna Cathcart) moving all the way to South Korea to pursue romance. She probably should have considered North Korea, because I hear their leader writes beautiful letters. (Netflix)
Premieres Friday:
Consecration — Jena Malone takes the lead in a religious horror flick about the mysterious death of a priest. “Have you or a loved one slipped and fallen on a supine 12-year-old? You may be entitled to compensation.” (Shudder)
Muted — Spanish authorities try to solve the riddle of a young man who hasn’t uttered a word since going to jail for killing his parents. Then again, there isn’t much to say past that point, since you no longer have to ask anybody for the remote. (Netflix)
Selling Sunset — Season 6 moves on from the collapse of Chrishell and Jason’s courtship and puts the focus back on their work as real-estate brokers. Because when you fall out of love, it’s God’s way of telling you to buckle down and really hose somebody on a Spanish Colonial. (Netflix)
Spy/Master — The Cold War is the setting of a six-episode espionage drama about a Russian spy posing as a top man in Romania’s Ceausescu government. This was back when it was harder to spot Russian agents, because they didn’t have strident opinions about Disney remakes and four followers on Twitter. (HBO Max)
White Men Can’t Jump — I’ve been informed by representatives of certain streaming services that projects like these should not be referred to as “remakes.” Lesson learned: Clearly, having anyone other than Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson in the lead roles indicates that what we have here is a “reimagining” of the 1992 flick. God knows what we’ll have to call it when Tucker Carlson gets around to his own version, White Men Don’t Fight Like That. (Hulu)
Young, Famous & African — Five new members of the South African media elite join the cast for Season 2, including a former contestant on Big Brother Africa. Honestly, I thought Big Brother Africa was a villain Jack Kirby made up for issue 24 of Black Panther. (Netflix)
Premieres Sunday:
Fangoria Chainsaw Awards 2023 — This year’s list of nominees being saluted for their outstanding contributions to horror includes Nope, Pearl and whoever outfitted Billie Eilish for the Met Gala. (Shudder)
Premieres Tuesday:
Clone High — Twenty years ago, the inclusion of Gandhi in this animated comedy about teen clones of historical figures inspired a mass hunger strike in India — and helped bring about the series’ cancellation. So for the very late-arriving Season 2, that character is being replaced by an utterly innocuous and insignificant player named … Confucius. AAAAND HERE WE GO AGAIN! (Max)
Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai — Tired of seeing Grogu bite his whole act, Gizmo gets an animated series that shows how he was domesticated in 1920s Shanghai. There’s an epic journey with his human protector and everything, just in case you were wondering how deep the “No, screw you” vibes run here. (Max)
Merpeople — Veteran performers from Weeki Wachee Springs State Park are among the subjects profiled in a four-part docuseries about folks who portray or otherwise pay tribute to mermaids. Oh, sure. But when Halle Bailey does it, y’all lose your ever-lovin’ minds. (Netflix)
SmartLess: On the Road — Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes hit the highway for a touring version of their popular podcast, in which they interview a different mystery guest each time. Celebrities they’ve encountered include Matt Damon, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, David Letterman and the guy who invented White Castle Bites. Effing legend. (Max)
Victim/Suspect — Documentary cameras tag along with reporter Rachel de Leon as she seeks justice for women who gathered up the courage to file charges against their abuser, only to be charged with making a false accusation. And also with being nobody’s type. (Netflix)
Wanda Sykes: I’m an Entertainer — As she takes the stage in Philadelphia for her second stand-up special, the ubiquitous actor/comic wants you to know it’s really hard to be a liberal lesbian mom in 2023. What she doesn’t want you to know: She was in Velma. (Netflix)
What Am I Eating? With Zooey Deschanel — Your favorite expert on everything sets out to prove which foods are actually good for you and which aren’t. The six-episode docuseries wraps up with an installment titled “Is Chocolate the Lover You’ve Been Neglecting?” I can assure you, Jess, it most certainly isn’t. (Max)
This article appears in Summer Guide 2023.