Premieres Wednesday:
Blood Coast — A bunch of French police officers who don’t go by le book try to take down a drug dealer in a flick directed by Olivier Marchal, who is himself a former cop. I understand policemen can have trouble when they try to become filmmakers, because they keep forgetting to turn the camera on. (Netflix)
Christmas as Usual — An Indian guy and his Norwegian fiancée are looking forward to a long and happy lifetime together, but only if they can survive Christmas at her parents’ place first. Shout-out to all the single folks whose biggest challenge this year is going to be surviving Whamageddon. (Netflix)
Soundtrack #2 — Let’s all see if a South Korean guy and girl whose relationship didn’t survive college graduation can make another go of it four years later. In the two episodes that drop this week, they’ll get the chance to catch up on everything that’s happened since. A surefire icebreaker: “Hey, what do you think ever happened to PSY?” (Disney+)
We Live Here: The Midwest — Documentary cameras capture the struggles of families with LGBTQ members who are facing discrimination in their heartland towns. Hasn’t Kansas come around yet? Superman has a gay kid and everything now. (Hulu)
Premieres Thursday:
The Archies — Archie and his pals fight against urban development in a musical reimagining set in the India of the 1960s. Jughead, meet Jugdish. (Netflix)
Hilda — The events of the 2021 feature film Hilda and the Mountain King set up this third and final season of the troll-happy animated series based on the graphic novels of Luke Pearson. The action this time is set in motion by Hilda’s discovery of a “fairy mound.” (I believe they used to have outfits that would help you hide such a thing, but Target got cold feet about carrying them.) (Netflix)
I Hate Christmas — Italy’s Christmas gift to us this year is a romcom built on the novel premise that a woman has until the holidays to find a real significant other because she’s falsely told her family she already has one. Right, and remind me again why AI is the asshole. (Netflix)
My Life With the Walter Boys — Ali Novak’s 2014 novel becomes a series that shows what happens when a recently orphaned New York teenager comes under the care of a Colorado family with 10 boys. I’m betting the answer is some sort of weird-beard cross between Long Island Medium and the Duggars. (Netflix)
Premieres Friday:
Culprits — An unknown assailant preys on the participants in a recent high-stakes robbery in Season 1 of a series that’s meant to take up where most heist stories end. You mean there’s something to say after “Carbone is found in a meat truck but gets brought back to life as a character on The Simpsons?” (Hulu)
Dating Santa — Embarrassing complications ensue when a young girl is led to believe her mother’s new boyfriend is Santa. Since this is a Spanish-language flick, I’m thinking the mom simply meant to say “He’s voting for DeSantis” and the kid got confused. (Prime Video)
Leave the World Behind — Fresh from a limited theatrical run, this adaptation of the 2000 novel by Rumaan Alam casts Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke as a married couple whose weekend vacation in a rental home is thrown into chaos by a massive cyberattack. Ah, the turn of the last century: when we thought we should be more afraid of a worldwide computer meltdown than by the prospect of being cooped up with Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke. (Netflix)
Merry Little Batman — Bruce Wayne’s incorrigible hellspawn, Damian, is left alone to defend Gotham City on Christmas Eve in the first of three animated Batman projects that had originally been earmarked for Max but were instead sold off to Prime. Remember, David Zaslav thought you’d be less interested in this than in Barnwood Builders. (Prime Video)
The Sacrifice Game — The year 1971 is the timeframe for a shocker in which two girls stuck at their boarding school for the holidays have to deal with the unexpected arrival of a murderous cult. Listen, everything’s negotiable as long as they promise not to sing “The Christmas Shoes.” (Shudder)
Your Christmas or Mine 2 — Young couple Hayley and James have to deal with a major lodgings mix-up in a sequel to last year’s British-made holiday hit. Joining the cast this go-’round is noted English thesp … (checks notes) … Jane Krakowski. I guess Tiffany Haddish’s accent would have been too hard for the stateside audience to understand. (Prime Video)
Premieres Saturday:
Doctor Who: The Giggle — The last of the 60th-anniversary specials starring David Tennant and Catherine Tate is the scariest of the three, says showrunner Russell T. Davies. But can it be scarier to the fanbase than having to go from a female Doctor to a Black one with only three weeks’ worth of reassuring nostalgia in between? (Disney+)
Maestra: Strings of Truth — A South Korean remake of the French series Philharmonia focuses on a female orchestra conductor who’s hiding a dark secret. And it isn’t that she’s a predatory lesbian, because that’s Lydia Tár’s schtick. (A lesbian, sure, but a predator? Never!) (Hulu)
Premieres Tuesday:
Born in Synanon — A docuseries crew charts the journey of a woman who grew up in the 1970s commune Synanon, which began as a rehab program and degenerated into a brutally repressive, militarized cult. Clever subtext to the audience: IF YOU WANT TO LIVE FREE, STAY ON THE DRUGS. (Paramount+)
Kevin Hart & Chris Rock: Headliners Only — Intimate behind-the-scenes footage captures the comedy legends on their recent tandem tour of … New York and New Jersey. Geez, if that counts as being on tour, just taking the Holland Tunnel makes you the Grateful Dead. (Netflix)
Los Farad Season 1 — A gym owner gets caught up in the arms-trafficking underworld of 1980s Spain. So that’s the meaning of that sign on the wall that reads “No arms on leg day.” (Prime Video)
Single’s Inferno — The third season of the South Korean dating challenge promises a host of new rules. But unfortunately no improvement in punctuation. (Netflix)
Under Pressure: The U.S. Women’s World Cup Team — Follow our highly accomplished ladies of the field down the long and difficult road to becoming “the most decorated team in soccer history.” And they’ll remain the most decorated until the Drag Race team shows up and starts throwing glitter around. (Netflix)
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This article appears in Dec 6-12, 2023.