High fructose corn syrup is tired of being blamed for obesity and diabetes and mercury poisoning. Solution: Eliminate the stuff? No, silly: new name. Meet “corn sugar.”
“Corn sugar,” of course, sounds wholesome and friendly, like wheat germ or bee pollen. But we all know HFCS is a lab-created Frankenfood, supported by farm subsidies, corporate welfare and Americans’ zombie-like craving for cheap sweet snacks.
The BF and I had already renamed this super-calorie-fragilistic substance “the dread fruck,” but now I think they deserve some new options. So here we go: the Salivation Army Rename Corn Syrup roll call—feel free to add your own HFCS alias in the comments.
- diabetes juice
- the full gainer
- Grampaw’s Ol’ Fashioned Cold Leg Elixir
- pancreatic napalm
- pudgelikker (too Southern?)
- Sweet Sweetback’s Faatasssss Sap
- Twinkie milk
- whale molasses
(Corn Refiners Association, please feel free to use any of these.)
This article appears in Sep 15-21, 2010.
