Feed Me.
Ahoy hoy. While all these jerks were boozing it up at our Best of Orlando party last weekend, I was doing some serious field research in debauch. In Las Vegas, namely. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the kind of guy that will happily forego comped drinks in downtown Orlando if it means I get comped drinks…
Morning Roundup
Note to Buddy: If you put staff in its place more often, you wouldn’t have so many damn problems. Um, wow. “The couple met two years ago while stocking shelves and said that most of their friends also are Wal-Mart employees. So, it makes sense, they said, that Ramos will be walked down an aisle…
Note to p.r. people
I do not care if your national chain restaurant just added eight menu items. It will not make it into the paper. Please stop clogging my in-box. Thank you.
Design Janet Jackson’s new album cover … or not
OK, this is just begging to be sabotaged: Janet’s label is allowing people to “remix” elements to create her new album cover. I don’t think the winner’s gonna look like this:
Good morning, assholes (or, Rock Band 101)
So my day just got off to a great start. First the woman working the counter at [name of breadery/bagelry/coffeeshop redacted] was a complete shrew to me — literally growling when I asked to place an order — and then I open my e-mail at work to the whining of [name of mewling, egomaniacal “punk…
Children are the future?
Ever wonder what teachers really think of your kids? This one in Seminole County thinks many of them are evil bastards. Even the white ones!
Morning Roundup
Wow. Republicans really are desperate to keep the Senate. Really desperate. Really, really desperate. And running like hell from George Bush’s war. But if you want us to get out, you’re still a traitor. 70 Lebanese died yesterday. Almost all civilians. MSNBC is reporting that the Israeli army mistook a truck for a rocket launcher.…
CHEMISTRY LESSON
Bogie & Bacall: The Signature Collection Studio: Warner Home Video WorkNameSort: Bogie & Bacall: The Signature Collection In 1943, 18-year-old Lauren Bacall appeared on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar. The wife of director Howard Hawks showed it to him, and the rest is Hollywood history. The next year, Bacall starred in Hawks’ To Have and…
Eventually, All at Once / The Intelligent Design of Joan of Arc
Eventually, All at Once / The Intelligent Design of Joan of Arc Label: Record Label / Polyvinyl Length: LP Media: CD Format: Album WorkNameSort: Eventually, All at Once / The Intelligent Design of Joan of Arc Joan of Arc’s reputation for provocative and pretentious music precedes it in the indie rock world, most prominently in…
Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake
Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake Label: Plug Research Length: LP Media: CD Format: Album WorkNameSort: Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake Songs about text messaging aren’t completely under Jimmy Tamborello’s radar. Behind the James Figurine pen name, Tamborello fancies modest techno as well as technology on Mistake Mistake Mistake Mistake. His entries are melodic, but their frame quivers…
The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s-Go-Out Tonights
The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s-Go-Out Tonights Label: Powerballad / Epic Length: LP Media: CD Format: Album WorkNameSort: Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and the Let’s-Go-Out Tonights, The Butch Walker has always had the attitude of a successful rock star. His interviews have been more interesting than his records, which…
Night Moves
Night Moves Label: Lunatic Works/Sony BMG Length: LP Media: CD Format: Album WorkNameSort: Night Moves Besides her stage and film work and her membership in L.A.-based band Pet, Lisa Papineau may be best known for her contributions to albums that didn’t feature her name on the front cover, as in her noteworthy vocal work with…
HAVE IT YOUR WAY
There are two kinds of luxury. There’s the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous kind or the real-life-only-much-better kind. Solid-gold cutlery, Chanel couture and Rolls-Royces fall into the first camp. James Perse T-shirts, Prada lip balm and Greens & Grille fall squarely into the second: simple everyday basics that turn out to be deceptively luxurious.…
EMPTY CLICKS
jPod Publishing House: Bloomsbury WorkNameSort: jPod A dozen years ago, in one of its trademark alarming cover stories, Time magazine announced there was a ‘Battle for the Soul of the Internet.â?� Well, the war rages on. Sometimes the web feels like nothing more than an online strip mall, littered with advertisements, corporate home pages, porn,…
UNDER THE SKIN
Human Anatomy: From the Renaissance to the Digital Age Publishing House: Abrams WorkNameSort: Human Anatomy: From the Renaissance to the Digital Age The human body connects the artist and the physician. The artist studies its form, the physician its mechanisms. Or, as Benjamin A. Rifkin puts it in Human Anatomy, a new collection of anatomical…
SERVICE HECTOR
It’s potty-mouth redux as Kevin Smith exhumes the corpse of Clerks
GRAFFITI BRIDGE
Quality of Life Length: Single Studio: Relentless Company Rated: R Release Date: 2006-07-20 Cast: Lane Garrison (II), Brian Burnam, Luis Saguar, MacKenzie Firgens, Tajai Director: Benjamin Morgan Screenwriter: Brian Burnam, Benjamin Morgan Music Score: Count WorkNameSort: Quality of Life Our Rating: 3.50 One man’s street art is another man’s vandalism, which is why graffiti educes…
Monster House
Monster House Studio: Sony Pictures Releasing Rated: PG Cast: Steve Buscemi, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jon Heder, Kevin James, Jason Lee Director: Gil Kenan WorkNameSort: Monster House Our Rating: 3.00 There comes a time in every moviegoer’s life when he stops arguing that children can handle entertainment far grimmer than what they’re usually handed and starts asking…
You, Me and Dupree
You, Me and Dupree Studio: Universal Pictures Distribution Rated: PG-13 Cast: Owen Wilson, Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, Michael Douglas, Amanda Detmer Director: Joe Russo, Anthony Russo WorkNameSort: You, Me and Dupree Our Rating: 1.50 How bad is this laugh-free, derivative, punishingly long ‘comedyâ?� about a houseguest (Owen Wilson) from hell? Well, you can always count…
SPORTS & RECREATION
Pointed humiliation An occasional ass-kicking can keep that ego in line. For those of you who fancy yourselves dart throwers, your chin-checkin’ will come courtesy of Hoops Tavern, where ample doses of humility are served with each bull’s-eye that’s nailed by the darts experts who frequent the joint. Don’t fret. After your pride is torn…
YOU GOT WHAT I NEED
Last week, media outlets that had grown justifiably bored with humdrum Marine-rape stories turned their attention to the human-interest tale of Kyle MacDonald, an industrious young Canadian who had used the “barter” section of Craigslist to parlay a simple paper clip into a three-bedroom home. The story was indeed impressive; at the risk of insulting…
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Boy wonder Toadies and second bananas are a dime a dozen, but if it’s a walking, talking talisman of nightlife benevolence you’re after, look no further than the one-man welcome wagon that is “Cocktail Boy” Jarred Sharar. Wind up this elfin goodwill ambassador and watch him go: He’s utterly at ease pouring his bony frame…
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
;ARIES I’m pleased to announce the imminent arrival of a new chapter in your own personal soap opera. It could include any of the following plot twists: madcap sex farces, thumb-sucking saints, an invitation to play leapfrog with a unicorn, a showdown between the reptile brain and mammalian brain, a chance to bob for lollipops…
GOODS & SERVICES
Retail’s rare breed Nothing says “discriminating pet owner” like an Alaskan Klee Kai, a supernaturally handsome and intelligent dog breed limited to only a few hundred specimens throughout the globe. To adopt one, you need a lot of money, a few years of your life on a waiting list and the ability to meet a…
SAVAGE LOVE
My boyfriend has a lower libido than I do. For a variety of reasons, I will not DTMFA. We no longer argue about this, but I do feel a bit lonesome for the type of physical contact he won’t provide. I have a couple of male friends who would happily do the things that my…
LOCAL COLOR
Get a second job! Want to buy a non-slummy condo in Orlando? Fat chance, kid. Housing prices continue to soar across Central Florida, while you’re stuck in a rental. You say you’re ambitious? And desperately want a piece of this booming economy? You’ve got a problem. You can’t qualify to buy anywhere you’d want to…
BLISTER
;”What’s his name?” Jessica clenches her movie brain. “There’s Big Daddy, Big Mama and Gooper …” ;;Such is the midlevel of our collective queer-brow that we’re already discussing the specifics of Tennessee Williams as translated into doe-eyed studio film. I’ve invited Jessica to join me tonight as a Parker Posey to my Jami Gertz in…
IT PAYS TO BE GAY
;Orange County scored two major coups at its July 11 commission meeting. The first was the unanimous approval of a $5.3 million incentive package to keep Darden Restaurants Inc., the county’s only Fortune 500 company, from leaving Central Florida; Darden will consolidate its corporate headquarters at the intersection of John Young Parkway and State Road…
NOTABLE NOISE
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been confronted with a handful of questions that begin with “Did you hear about …” or “What do you think about ….” Usually, the subject at hand is fairly newsworthy and, therefore, overreported and overanalyzed by other outlets, leaving my opinions best kept to the barstool where they…
FOOD & DRINK
A bar with grit Soldiers, be brave. Reinforcements are here. The Sisyphean task of keeping central Orlando from turning into an enormous condominium complex has found another ally. The stylish schizophrenia of Mills Avenue is ripe for yuppification, and word of a new bar on the strip sent $12-martini chills down the spines of many.…
I LOVE TELEVISION
;Most people can only be successful in one career. Me, I could be a superstar in a myriad of professions — from award-winning chimney sweep to championship drag racer to toothbrush manufacturer to world’s sexiest proctologist. HOWEVER! My true talents lie in one of two professions: writing nonsensical tripe in tabloids such as this, and…
BEST OF ORLANDO 2006
Wander the streets in search of answers no longer, Orlandoans, the Best of Orlando has finally arrived! In these pages you’ll glean priceless insight from the City Beautiful’s most trusted scribes on where to sup, shop, sightsee and find solitude. Because Orlando Weekly only appeals to the best and brightest, we’ve also included our readers’…
HAPPYTOWN
;Great news, Orange County strippers: You can now grab your funbags onstage! Go ahead; fondle, tickle, pinch and caress to your heart’s content, because it’s legal, thanks to the Orange County commission. ;;On June 27, the board revised its adult entertainment ordinance, due in part to a First Amendment lawsuit filed against it by Steve…
LET ‘EM SEE YA GRILL
There are any number of things you can do with our make-ahead beer-based Tapped BBQ Sauce, but here are two of the best ideas we had. Slow-roast some sticky tempeh ribs and simmer some sweet black lentils to serve them on. The taste may seem redundant, but if presented alongside some vinegar-laden onion rings, you’re…
POLICE BEAT
July 7, 8:45 A.M.: Our 26-year-old victim finally got her landlord to come out and fix her air conditioning; little did she know what turmoil that would bring. In the 1100 block of Amelia Street, the victim’s landlord opened her garage door to grant easier access to the tools in his truck. About a half-hour…
LISTEN TO ME
At a Jan. 3, 2003, meeting of the American Historical Association in Chicago, historians from more than 40 colleges and universities across the country formed Historians Against the War, a network decrying the march to war in Iraq and expressing concern about “the needless destruction of human life, the undermining of constitutional government in the…
NEWS OF THE WEIRD
; ;; ;; ;Satanic sanity; ;; The Texas insanity-defense law requires that a delusional person acting under “orders” from God be judged not guilty by reason of insanity, but that a delusional person acting under “orders” from Satan be considered sane, according to prominent forensic psychiatrist Park Dietz (quoted in a June USA Today story).…
LETTERS
RIP, Club Juana I enjoyed your article very much, but I felt that it didn’t truly capture the last night `”Requiem for a strip club,” July 13`. The sign seemed brighter that night, as if it were the only place to go. When I entered there were numerous empty tables marked “reserved” so I got…
SELECTIONS
Thursday•20; ;O36 It’s become an annual event, the Orlando 36-hour Video Race — aka 036 Video Race — and the rules are simple: Teams of overzealous novice filmmakers from around the country are formed, and on the designated day they pick up a packet of information that outlines the mission: Make a three- to six-minute…
WHEN IRONY DOESN’T CUT IT
;Through some of the more narrowed eyes and cocked brows of pop cultural revisionism, the ’80s glimmer romantically like beams of space light bouncing off the surface of a monorail to the stars. To some, the decade was all angular Numan-izing and Kraftwerk-ian blippery punctuating a soundscape of utter genius and skyscraper detachment. Sure, it’s…
GAININ’ ON YA
Sincerity is not a term that comes up often when thinking about the music business, and in the hard-knock, hustle-heavy world of underground hip-hop it could even be considered a dirty word. Standing inside an unfinished Orange County beauty shop watching backpacked elementary-school kids playing where the all-important hair chairs will someday go, it becomes…
THE RELUCTANT ROCKER VERSUS THE MACHINE
;”There’s a lot of hurt, and a lot of bad feelings,” says Travis Adams. “There’s a lot about touring that still leaves a really sour taste in my mouth.”; ;So, asks the reporter, when you talk about the sour taste in your mouth …; ;”Oh,” says Adams, “so you want to go back to that…
WAITING FOR THE BUSS
What is Stop Kiss, exactly? On a literal level, playwright Diana Son’s acclaimed one-act is the story of two young women whose tentative first foray into same-sex romance coincides with a brutal hate crime that leaves one of them in a coma and the other scared and confused. Comprised largely of two-character exchanges that veer…
Fundies 1, Science 0
Got a spinal cord injury, or maybe a nice case of Alzheimer’s? George Bush wants you to suffer. Because pandering to his anti-science fundie base and saving a bunch of cell clusters that are about to be destroyed anyway is WAY more important than, you know, helping people. Oh, and Karl Rove is lying to…
