I’LL BE FLOATING ABOVE YOUR HEAD
Out of the way, you masses of poors, all huddled together in the collective stench of personal failure as you await your next handout in the bread line. Times like these were made for class distinction, not the vague sense of grubby, pantomimed drama playing out under my upturned nose. You should know that you…
THE DECEMBER REVOLUTION
Welcome, comrade. Come in, you don’t have to be shy. The myth of the Invisible Hand of the Market has been exposed. The people will embrace our message of social responsibility and shared wealth this time. This isn’t even new territory for Orlando. This town has long been the recipient of socialist benefits. During Comrade…
LETTER FROM A BRIDGE
Dear uncaring misfits: Peering out at the alligator-infested cesspool of murky darkness below only serves as affirmation that it’s time to end it all before another reincarnation of the iPhone that I can’t afford. The prospect of a shiny penny and an orange in the bottom of a tattered Christmas stocking only strengthens my resolve…
THE HAT IS THE ANSWER
In writer-director Ernst Lubitsch’s 1939 film, Ninotchka, Greta Garbo plays Nina Yakushova, a tough-as-nails Stalinist envoy staying in Paris for a mission. On her trip, she and her accomplices pass a window display with a decadent hat inside. “How can such a civilization survive which permits their women to put things like that on their…
IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE
“The recent wave of reality programming about mad consumption … feels downright unseemly as investment banks are dissolving, and unemployment stands at more than 6 percent. … The timing couldn’t be nuttier.” —The New York Times, “A Stylist Devoted to Making Idleness Look Chic,” Sept. 15, 2008 “The people who have conquered the world now…
TEXAS TURKEY TIME
OK, kids, gather ’round here and we’re gonna tell you a little tale. See, back during the last big depression — old-timers and bookish sorts call it the Great Depression — people had to make do. So they wore burlap sacks, smoked cornhusks and ate whatever they could get their hands on. You ever read…
HOLIDAY CALENDAR 2008
MUSIC ; Nov. 20 ; Orlando Jazz Orchestra A jazzy night of music and revelry. 7 pm Thursday. The Village at Hunter’s Creek, John Young Parkway and State Road 417; free; 407-333-7700. ; Nov. 22 ; 3 Swingin’ Tenors Musical memories come to life in tributes to the Big Apple and Mel Torme, among others.…
SILENT NIGHTS
It’s going to be a lean holiday season. No big deal. Any member of the “working poor” has been cutting back for years now. Make Christmas just for the kids? Done that. Don’t exceed your credit limit? What was left of the cards spontaneously combusted at the mere mention of holiday shopping months ago. So…
I, BITTER
Billy Manes, you godless heathen. While you and your gilded brethren are building hydrogen-lofted space palaces, we in the pro-America parts of America are struggling. We’re losing our jobs, while you’re lighting illegally imported, hand-rolled Cuban cigars with $100 bills just because you can. We’re stuffing our kids with Hamburger Helper while you’re feeding your…
