CHAINS OF LOVE
My Christmas wish has already been answered. My favoritest thing of all has landed in Orlando, and it’s big, good-looking, Scandinavian and cheap. No, not a Swedish exchange student – IKEA! One thing I’ve missed since moving here is the ability to buy, say, a stylish, inexpensive laundry hamper. (Why spend $25 on a Rubbermaid…
SCREW CHINA!
I’m going China-free this Christmas. You should too. I’m not boycotting the world’s most populous country because they probably killed thousands of cats and dogs with their tainted food, could have poisoned thousands of people with their tainted toothpaste and lead-heavy toys, or could have injured thousands more with their shoddy tires. Nor am I…
A FEW GOOD SPECIMENS
Without hobbies, one goes insane. To stave off the inevitable madness for another year, in early 2007 I took up the idea of building a cabinet of curiosities, a hobby with a long and glorious tradition stretching from Athanasius Kircher in the 17th century to the Museum of Jurassic Technology in Los Angeles. So this…
MY BOOZY CHRISTMAS
While my colleagues embrace their white liberal guilt – a green Christmas? A China-free Christmas? Seriously, lighten up, guys – I’ll be seeking the shit that, deep down, we all really want: booze. The sauce. Whatever you want to call it, and in whatever form of it you’d like to give to me, my hands…
SLICK FICTION
Assuming that this holiday season is finally time to give up the threadbare ghost that the yuletide requires pesky charity and goodwill to man – and that gratuitous bleats of “Me! Me! Me!” are actually endearing and not annoying at all – it may well be time to stroke your indulgences and remember that you…
WANTING THAT GREEN GLOW
For the environmentally friendly and anti-consumerism folks, the holidays present quite the dilemma. Sure, I’d like some newly minted items, but at what cost to the environment? What does Wal-Mart have that I can’t live without anyway? And even if you couldn’t care less about leaving a light footprint, I’m sure everyone is with me…
THE REWARD OF SUFFERING … (AESCHYLUS)
So it’s been a year of drama – personally, globally – and blood will be spilled if the holidays somehow leave me endowed with yet another self-help book or – the devil save you – a Navy SEALS workout guide to a guaranteed Big Round Butt. You’ll wish you hadn’t, mister. This is the year…
