ooh, burn! top chef.
You ever get that balky feeling when someone just assumes you must love something? Where even if they’re right, it’s irksome to be so predictable, so you just resist the pigeonhole, no matter what? Like, “Oh, you’re an English major … you must want to be an English teacher!” Well, no. Or, “You love reading…
Classic Florida
Folks, you probably know about the big game this weekend – the annual dust-up between the Bethune-Cookman Wildcats and the Florida A&M, let’s say, Grain Silos. But you may not know about some of the side shows to the spectacle (because some calendar editor didn’t do his homework, but this isn’t about finger pointing). Fans…
IT’S PROBABLY BETTER IN THE BAHAMAS
Results are mixed at this colorful Bahamian boite
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND
Famed screenwriter steps into director’s chair
THIS LITTLE UNDERGROUND
Having just finished its fourth year of claim-staking the local music scene, the Anti-Pop Music Festival is rapidly gaining on the McRib as the most anticipated happening around here. This year’s fest, however, had a very different tenor than last year’s stellar edition, which still stands as the highwater mark. The overall scale was noticeably…
FIRST SHOT
Before the movie industry horned in on the act, Thanksgiving used to be a time for family. Why, some of our fondest memories of growing up involve bolting the door to our uncle’s den so we could watch a televised King Kong marathon unmolested by our weird-ass cousins, who were intent on switching to the…
LIVE ACTIVE CULTURES
Last week the New York Times reported on one of the few products to see a recent upswing in sales: Spam. If the economic outlook is so bleak that canned pork pudding is making a comeback, then you can count on disposable-dollar-dependent artists to be among the first in the ramen-soup line. To start and…
SECRETS AND LIES
Not long after U.S. Air Force Maj. Gen. Michael Hayden learned he was going to be named the director of the National Security Agency in 1998, he and his wife went out on a date. The Haydens lived in Seoul, South Korea, where he was stationed with the United Nations Command, and they decided to…
COUNCIL WATCH
Divine intervention rained down on our biweekly civic kaffee klatsch in the form of a sonic aberration this week, or at least so it would seem. As the mayor went to deliver his scripted opening, the microphones backfired with the voice of God (or a Peanuts principal), leading sharp-dressed Rev. Shaun King to wing it…
HOLIDAY GUIDE
Don’t let the economy undermine your holidays! There’s no place like home for the holidays, if you still have one. And if you do, count yourself among the lucky because in case you hadn’t heard, we’re in a recession. (That means other people are out of work.) It could turn into a depression. (That means…
POLICE BEAT
Nov. 9 (2008-485235) 1:54 a.m.: So here we are again. Another week come and gone, another few hours of my life devoted to giving you, dear reader, the cop-laced humor you so desperately desire. But I have a confession to make: I’m not sure how much funny I’ll be bringing this week. The problem is…
HAPPYTOWN
Remember Bill Dillon, the convicted killer who has spent the last 27 years (and counting) in prison for a crime he probably didn’t commit `see “Free Bill Dillon!,” July 31`? On Nov. 14, a circuit court judge vacated Dillon’s murder conviction, making him the third Brevard County person the Innocence Project of Florida has exonerated…
COMMENTS
Anthony away Jeffrey C. Billman: You took the words right out of my trashcan, because that’s where I threw all this nonsense when I finally pulled myself away from this sci-fi spectacle of wasted time `Casey Anthony coverage`. I have been reading `Bloggytown` here, with my wife listening to me laughing my butt off every…
HOLIDAY CALENDAR 2008
MUSIC ; Nov. 20 ; Orlando Jazz Orchestra A jazzy night of music and revelry. 7 pm Thursday. The Village at Hunter’s Creek, John Young Parkway and State Road 417; free; 407-333-7700. ; Nov. 22 ; 3 Swingin’ Tenors Musical memories come to life in tributes to the Big Apple and Mel Torme, among others.…
SILENT NIGHTS
It’s going to be a lean holiday season. No big deal. Any member of the “working poor” has been cutting back for years now. Make Christmas just for the kids? Done that. Don’t exceed your credit limit? What was left of the cards spontaneously combusted at the mere mention of holiday shopping months ago. So…
I, BITTER
Billy Manes, you godless heathen. While you and your gilded brethren are building hydrogen-lofted space palaces, we in the pro-America parts of America are struggling. We’re losing our jobs, while you’re lighting illegally imported, hand-rolled Cuban cigars with $100 bills just because you can. We’re stuffing our kids with Hamburger Helper while you’re feeding your…
I’LL BE FLOATING ABOVE YOUR HEAD
Out of the way, you masses of poors, all huddled together in the collective stench of personal failure as you await your next handout in the bread line. Times like these were made for class distinction, not the vague sense of grubby, pantomimed drama playing out under my upturned nose. You should know that you…
THE DECEMBER REVOLUTION
Welcome, comrade. Come in, you don’t have to be shy. The myth of the Invisible Hand of the Market has been exposed. The people will embrace our message of social responsibility and shared wealth this time. This isn’t even new territory for Orlando. This town has long been the recipient of socialist benefits. During Comrade…
LETTER FROM A BRIDGE
Dear uncaring misfits: Peering out at the alligator-infested cesspool of murky darkness below only serves as affirmation that it’s time to end it all before another reincarnation of the iPhone that I can’t afford. The prospect of a shiny penny and an orange in the bottom of a tattered Christmas stocking only strengthens my resolve…
THE HAT IS THE ANSWER
In writer-director Ernst Lubitsch’s 1939 film, Ninotchka, Greta Garbo plays Nina Yakushova, a tough-as-nails Stalinist envoy staying in Paris for a mission. On her trip, she and her accomplices pass a window display with a decadent hat inside. “How can such a civilization survive which permits their women to put things like that on their…
BLISTER
“I’ve been thinking,” Jessica pipes in a sniffle through an affected cough. “I’ve been thinking about considering the possibility of not going.” This is a clever play, see. A couple of years ago, Jessica and I ruminated over the olive slosh of some dirty martinis about the invaluable trait of abstemiousness. Second only to the…
IRRATIONAL EXUBERANCE
“The recent wave of reality programming about mad consumption … feels downright unseemly as investment banks are dissolving, and unemployment stands at more than 6 percent. … The timing couldn’t be nuttier.” —The New York Times, “A Stylist Devoted to Making Idleness Look Chic,” Sept. 15, 2008 “The people who have conquered the world now…
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Fifty-five percent of Americans not only believe in guardian angels, but testify that they have been actively aided by their intervention. The 55 percent figure may rise even higher in the coming weeks. A majority of Aries all over the planet, regardless of their religious orientation, could have a mystical experience…
TEXAS TURKEY TIME
OK, kids, gather ’round here and we’re gonna tell you a little tale. See, back during the last big depression — old-timers and bookish sorts call it the Great Depression — people had to make do. So they wore burlap sacks, smoked cornhusks and ate whatever they could get their hands on. You ever read…
SAVAGE LOVE
I have a bigot in the family. My brother’s mother-in-law is scared this country is “on its way” to legalizing same-sex marriage, which is “against what her Bible tells `her`.” Debating the issue with her is no use, because it always comes back to her religious beliefs. She doesn’t dislike gays, and she’s said that…
ROCKIN’ IN THE FREE WORLD
Last week, local mood merchants Kingsbury announced a relaunch of their website as a portal to every piece of music they’ve recorded, as well as all of their lyrics, “embarrassing” photos, music videos and “the ideas we have.” Their entire catalog is now available for download free of charge and to celebrate there is a…
BREAKING! drunken monkey closed by health department.
According to my source, Drunken Monkey (the part-veg coffeehouse at 444 N. Bumby Ave.) was shut down by health dept. inspectors less than an hour ago, while the staff tried to “herd out diners without letting them know why.” According to the owner, the infraction had to do with a leak (he wasn’t more specific…
Dan Savage declares war on Mormons
On an unrelated note, we’ll have our own story about Mormons – and their Deseret Ranch property – out next week. Dan Savage, the guy who writes Savage Love, is going full-bore after the Church of Latter-Day Saints. So here’s what the Mormon church bought with the $20,000,000 it pumped into the “Yes on Prop…
So, Dick Cheney got indicted?!
Really, there’s nothing I’d love to see more than Darth Vader frog-marched to some “undisclosed location” inside a federal penitentiary somewhere in the middle of Kansas or wherever for the rest of his days, on account of, well, being an evil son of a bitch. Still, I’m not quite taking seriously this report that he…
