This presidential election has been described by many as one in which morality mattered most to voters. But that perception may be driven at least partially by how pollsters asked voters about their priority issues. Whether voters named “moral values” their key issue partly depended on whether that subject was included in a list of choices provided by pollsters, according to a Pew Research Center analysis released Thursday. When “moral values” was included in poll questions, it was named more often than any other issue. But when voters were just asked to name the issue most important in their vote for president – without being given a list of answers – moral values trailed the war in Iraq and the economy, according to the Pew survey.
;– Associated Press, Nov. 12, 2004
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ELECTION EXIT POLL, NOV. 2, 2004

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What is the top issue facing voters in this election?
;; __ stem-cell research
; __ the mercury in my drinking water
; __ whatever Jane Fonda says it is
; __ moral values;

Which of the following qualities matters most to you in a candidate for president of the United States?
; __ hails from Maine, California or some other biscotti-eating state
; __ tells frequent lies about the shrapnel lodged in his ass
; __ is a card-carrying member of the Communist Party
; __ has strong moral values

Compared to four years ago, are you:
; __ better off
; __ worse off
; __ about the same
; __ destitute, but sitting on more moral values than Trump has Green Stamps

In the recent campaign, did either candidate engage in personal attacks you found offensive?
; __ Yes, the challenger was very unfair in his attacks on the incumbent
; __ No, the incumbent was only pointing up the voting record of the guy who
; hates America
; __ No, heated debate is the bedrock of our political system
; __ Yes, but the candidate with the moral values is going to kick Lurch’s ass, so it’s all good

When did you decide who you were going to vote for in this election?
; __ during primary season
; __ during my party’s nominating convention
; __ last week
; __ yesterday, when this guy at my job who has strong moral values told me who I should vote for

Which of these would you most like to have waiting for you when you leave the voting booth?
; __ my spouse of the same sex
; __ my spouse of the same sex, holding an extra-large latte
; __ a society that deifies folk singers and outlaws armed self-defense
; __ a broad with big tits, a cute caboose and moral values

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If the liberals in Congress make it OK for homosexual couples to buy joint property, how important will it be that every new home be built with its own baptismal font for emergency interventions?
; __ somewhat important
; __ important
; __ very important
; __ moral values!

A train carrying 400 feminazis leaves San Francisco at 5 p.m. traveling 110 mph. Another train carrying 350 Promise Keepers leaves Tupelo at 3:57 p.m. traveling 125 mph. Which group will get to Salt Lake City in time to vote for an incumbent president with strong moral values?
; __ the feminazis
; __ the Promise Keepers
; __ It’s a tie
; __ God will smite the lesbo train before it reaches Vegas

Suppose you couldn’t vote for a candidate with strong moral values. What would it take to get you to vote Democratic instead?
; __ an instant repeal of the estate tax
; __ a brand-new Hummer in my favorite color, Liberator Green
; __ a promise to appoint only strict constructionist judges to the Supreme Court
; __ nothing; I sure do love me some moral values

What the hell is wrong with Tara Reid, anyway?
; __ Janet Jackson complex
; __ desperate for publicity
; __ hepatitis C she got from Carson Daly is slowly eating away at her medulla oblongata
; __ no moral values

A rabbi, a priest and a guy with strong moral values walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they’ll have. The rabbi orders a white-wine spritzer. The priest orders a hot toddy. The last guy says, “Nothing for me, thanks! I’m already full of moral values!”
; __ funny
; __ not funny
; __ I don’t get it
; __ I’d vote for the priest if he refused to give John Kerry communion

If another election were to be held next week, how big a role do you think moral values would play in determining your vote?
; __ not so big
; __ just as big
; __ even bigger
; __ Sorry, I thought we were talking about “oral values.” Can I vote for Clinton again?
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This article appears in Nov 17-23, 2004.