YOU GOT WHAT I NEED 


Last week, media outlets that had grown justifiably bored with humdrum Marine-rape stories turned their attention to the human-interest tale of Kyle MacDonald, an industrious young Canadian who had used the "barter" section of Craigslist to parlay a simple paper clip into a three-bedroom home.

The story was indeed impressive; at the risk of insulting MacDonald's Saskatchewani heritage, we think his refusal to pay actual money for one of life's greatest luxuries is downright American. This columnist was so inspired by his example that I swiftly snapped up some lucrative real estate of my own — the Internet domain www.dogslist.org. In just a week of operation, my online bulletin board has posted opportunities for some killer trades, which I reprint here for your reading pleasure.

The story was indeed impressive; at the risk of insulting MacDonald's Saskatchewani heritage, we think his refusal to pay actual money for one of life's greatest luxuries is downright American. This columnist was so inspired by his example that I swiftly snapped up some lucrative real estate of my own — the Internet domain www.dogslist.org. In just a week of operation, my online bulletin board has posted opportunities for some killer trades, which I reprint here for your reading pleasure.

YOUR OWN ISLAND!

Reply to: sale-181132560@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-12, 11:18 AM EDT

Live out your days in security and comfort on Manhattan, a clean, picturesque, family-friendly island floating just to the right of New Jersey. Our tribe has owned this prime piece of land for many moons, respecting its natural wonders and keeping our buffalo hunting well within legal kill limits. But all good things come to an end, and we have to leave by the first of the month to pursue new jobs on the West Coast as brutally indentured railroad laborers.

As soon as you take possession of the item, you'll find that its priceless location and unique topography lend themselves to all sorts of building projects, from world-class opera houses to the finest in coin-op laundries. Go nuts with the adult entertainment or turn the place into Disney North — it's entirely up to you!

In return, we're asking for $24 worth of trade beads collected at any of the last five Mardi Gras celebrations. Top krewes preferred; Red Lobster "Party Gras" memorabilia not acceptable. Call (555) NO-CUSTR daytime, send smoke signal after sundown.

PROSTHETIC BREAST wanted; will INK you gratis

Reply to: sale-181132607@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-14, 3:23 PM EDT

Certified tattoo artist and mastectomy survivor needs dress form STAT. In return, I will spend up to seven hours outfitting you with the body art of your dreams. My work is top-of-the-line, from simple "I love Mom" testimonials to exact copies of the most intricate Frank Frazetta paintings. References and photos are available on request. E-mail me at above address, specifying "Tit for tat" in subject line.

XBOX WANTED

Reply to: sale-181132777@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-15, 5:25 PM EDT

Suspicious-looking posse of neighborhood ne'er-do-wells needs a working Xbox, like, now. Will either trade for vintage NES or bust your head open with a Louisville Slugger. Leave door open and we'll discuss terms. Have a blessed day!

VOTES VOTES VOTES

Reply to: sale-181132789@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-17, 2:45 PM EDT

Family-owned and -operated theater company seeks votes in Central Florida newspaper's annual "Best Of" poll. Will do just about anything in return, from washing your car to performing shiatsu to taking the rap for you on outstanding deadbeat-dad warrants. Every hundredth vote brought in wins a Foreman grill!

contact@FeldmanDynamic.com

HAND OVER THAT GI, YOU JAPANAZI RAT!

Reply to: sale-181132801@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-18, 2:16 AM EDT

We've got your spy right here, you sneak-attacking piles of human garbage! And we'll send him back to you safe and sound, just as soon as you let our poor Murphy go. God knows we didn't start this war, but we sure intend to come out of it with as many of our proud young men in one piece as we can!

Stop your whimpering, you imperial pansy; you're going to get to go home, just as soon as your pals see the light. They wouldn't hang you out to dry — not like they did to our boys at the Pearl!

Call U.S. embassy to make arrangements for the exchange. No trade till we see our guy is OK.

YOUR ETERNAL SOUL

Reply to: sale-181132666@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-5, 7:40 AM EDT

The famed Lord of the Underworld is looking to add a shiny new soul to his collection. I'm in a bind, way behind and willing to make a deal. In exchange for the life's blood of your moral and spiritual being, I can offer you seven years of untold fame, a night of passion with Scarlett Johansson or a 1984 Ford Mustang LX Hatchback. (The car has only 40,000 miles on it. The girl? That's her business.) I'm especially interested in striking a long-term arrangement for the soul of a top-level Enron executive. Call or cast runes now!

UPDATE 6:47 PM: Never mind.

NICE HOUSE IN SASKATCHEWAN — CHEAP!

Reply to: sale-181132965@dogslist.org

Date: 2006-07-19, 9:10 AM EDT

Oh my God, you need to get me out of this ASAP! In all my born days, I had no idea that owning a house would be such a pain in the patoot, eh? Between haggling with the exterminator and having to answer the doorbell for Michael Moore, I'm wishing I could go back to the days when I was just a college student with back bacon on the stove and not a care in the world! Believe you me, I'll trade this rattletrap for anything — a case of Molson, a complete back catalog of Celine Dion CDs, a friggin' paper clip — you name it! Contact Kyle, (306) 555-1212.

 

sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

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