Support local journalism. Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club.


Assuming that this holiday season is finally time to give up the threadbare ghost that the yuletide requires pesky charity and goodwill to man – and that gratuitous bleats of “Me! Me! Me!” are actually endearing and not annoying at all – it may well be time to stroke your indulgences and remember that you are indeed the only living thing that matters in this world.

The veritable bible of such personal pricelessness lands yearly in the pearl-lined mailboxes of the incredibly fortunate in the form of the Neiman Marcus “Christmas Book,” and on this particular year the mail-order operation for those who can’t and shouldn’t be bothered to leave the house to procure their Marc Jacobs “Marc” metallic leather watches ($225) or Prada “Linea Rossa” tennis shoes ($995) is celebrating its centennial. How divine!

Of course watches and shoes are but fodder for the nouveau riche who can only hope that the word Chanel can blot out their inner loft-living misery; the real cash Kringle comes in the Christmas Book’s Fantasy Gifts section. It’s the playground of the so-wealthy-they’ll-soon-be-dead set, and – as the catalog’s editor is quick to point out – all of the items are absolutely real, and people really do buy them. People like you, darling.

For the incredibly ostentatious, more-than-well-to-do sci-fi heir – perhaps a Rowling – there’s the impractical impressiveness of a 100-foot-long Dragon Topiary ($35,000). Just think what your homeowners association might have to say about a giant fictional reptile blocking the sun from their precious orchids. (In fact, the caption reads, “Imagine Jones’s face when he putters out on his riding mower ….”) A sure sign that you’ve lost the plot and reason enough for the family to send more money.

Another fabulous option – this one of the his-and-hers variety, perhaps a good bet for keeping that gay affair deeper in the closet – is the 60-inch-by-48-inch couples’ portrait painted by New York artist Vik Muniz and crafted completely in Bosco chocolate syrup ($110,000). Then again, chocolate syrup may be a big gay giveaway. Scratch that (literally).

For those into lofty pursuits who have taken just enough of their anti-depressants and Ambien to imagine that they are indeed a lofty pursuit – or, namely, a butterfly – Neiman’s offers the Papalotzin Ultralight ($80,000). The 420-pound aircraft was created by butterfly enthusiast Vico Gutierrez in the shape of a giant monarch butterfly so that he might fly 3,000 miles with the butterflies on one of their recent Canada-Mexico migrations. Along with the price of the aircraft comes a chance to join Gutierrez on his next crazy migration, which will be filmed for a documentary. Mariah Carey may or may not magically appear.

Chief among this year’s lunatic offerings, though, is the NM Gem Triton 1000 Submarine ($1,440,000), a personal submersion device with acrylic-bubble 360-degree views and three-axis maneuverability via gem-encrusted joystick (with matching gemstone key chain!). When the stock market drops, so will you!

Just don’t forget your Henry Dunay “Bull & Bear” yellow gold cufflinks ($6,700) to remind you of life’s volatility. You can come back up after Christmas. Maybe.

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Orlando Weekly Press Club for as little as $5 a month.

More in Holiday Guide


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

December 1, 2021

View more issues


© 2021 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation