Savage Love 

Every time I watch ESPN or Spike TV I see these commercials for Enzyte "natural male enhancement." Does that shit actually work? Not that I'm small or anything, but I'm a divorced, middle-aged, chain-smoking, overweight single guy who lives in a trailer park. The only things I've got going are a steady job and a car that runs (most guys in this park don't have either). The only girls I can get are the crack whores who live here (of which there are tons).

I'd love to land a normal woman but don't know what to do. I figure a few more inches downstairs wouldn't hurt, especially if all I have to do is take a pill every day.

Wants A Big One

Are those awful Enzyte commercials still on TV? It's been a while since I caught one, and I was hoping that whoever was selling that Enzyte crap had gone out of business (and whoever had a hand in putting together their annoying commercials had been, I don't know, electrocuted or something). But I guess Enzyte isn't going to go out of business until something causes the collective IQ of gullible, small-dicked men everywhere to spike, and that may be a long, long way off.

Look, WABO, if you live in a trailer park you can't afford to take an Enzyte pill every day. Even if they made your dick bigger — which they don't — they're expensive. While Enzyte commercials, built around a grinning idiot named Bob, strongly imply that taking the pills made Bob's dick bigger (Bob, after Enzyte, is "living large"), the company's own website is careful to stress that these pills, which are herbal supplements, don't make your dick any bigger. So what do they do? They "may help your body achieve fuller, stronger erections" because the pills are "designed to help maintain blood flow and create firmer, fuller-feeling erections." They're not promising you a bigger dick, just better circulation.

And improving your circulation is something you can do for free. Quit smoking and get some exercise, and that "may help" you achieve "fuller-feeling erections," much to the delight of the crack whores at the trailer park.

When it's explained to miserable, small-dicked men that pills won't make their dicks any bigger, most ask if surgery will help. Sorry, no. In a little bit of bad news — released, cruelly enough, on Valentine's Day of this year — researchers in London said that most men who have penis-enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the results.

"For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis," Nim Christopher, a urologist at St. Peter's Andrology Center in London told Reuters, "there is little point in offering them surgery because it makes no difference." And if what you're after is a "few more inches," even surgery can't help you. "The average increase in length is 1.3 centimeters (.5 inches), which isn't very much, and the dissatisfaction rate was in excess of 70 percent," Dr. Christopher told Reuters, before adding that the spam advertising penis-enlargement surgery gave men unrealistic expectations.

Tell me about it, Doc. I get e-mails every day from men who've tried "male-enhancement" pills and, with their dicks no bigger, want to know if I think surgery might help. Guys: The pills don't work, the surgery doesn't work — nothing works. There oughta be a law against advertising "cures" for small dicks. It's cruel and it discourages miserable, small-dicked men from the only real cure for their unhappiness: acceptance.

Got a small dick? As I've written dozens of times before, there's nothing you can do about it. So accept what you've got, guys, learn to use it to maximum advantage, refuse to apologize for it, and don't waste money or mental energy on pills or surgery. Once you've reconciled yourself to the meat God gave you, ask yourself these questions: How thick are my fingers? How big are my forearms? How long is my tongue? Big cocks are nice, they have their fans, but if you don't qualify for the big-dick Olympics, then make the most of what you do have.

This is not really a question about sex, but I couldn't think of any other gay person who could give me a reasonable answer: Am I a homophobe if I make certain jokes regarding gayness? For instance, if I say, "The Olympics are gay," or ask, "Why are you so gay?" I don't feel as though I'm a homophobe. I know and like gay people and I'm for gay civil rights and gay marriage. Also, if I hear somebody call a homosexual person names in an angry or blatantly derogatory manner I get upset. So can I call my buddy gay if he tells me he uploaded a Phil Collins CD onto his computer, or should I just call him a dumbshit instead?

Fine With Fags, Really

Officially, FWFR? It's so not OK to use "gay" as a synonym for lame. When you use "gay" like that, you're reinforcing a cultural prejudice against gay people — I mean duh, right? You may not be a homophobe, but using that expression is homophobic, and when you use it you're helping to sustain the prejudice that deprives your gay friends of their civil rights and marriage rights.

Unofficially? I don't care what you do. Most of the gay people I know use "that's so gay" the same way you do, and the few times I've overheard strangers using the expression, people who may or may not have been gay, I had to concede the point: The thing they were tagging as so gay was, in fact, so gay.

Finally, a buddy who uploads a Phil Collins CD onto his computer isn't a dumbshit, he's a douchebag. Please make a note of it.

Confidential to everybody: "Pearl necklace" is out. "Cheney" is in. Pass it on.

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