I'm pro-sex, bisexual and GGG. I'm also a mother. I have a 14-year-old son, and when I type a website address into our home computer, a million porn sites pop up. I've had lots of lovers, watched my share of porn, I masturbate, blah blah blah. But something about my baby looking at Asian sluts getting it up the ass turns me into a sex-negative freak.

I can't stand the thought of my son looking at porn on the Internet. And the thought of him wanking in front of my computer gets me going as well. Help me out here! Should I say something? I don't want to make him uncomfortable! Should I make him stop?

Internet Porn Reality Utterly Dismays Elder

Sure, IPRUDE, "make him" stop. Make your 14-year-old son stop looking at all the free porn on the Internet. Sounds like a plan. And after your son stops looking at Internet porn, be a doll and make George W. Bush pull our troops out of Iraq, fire Dick Cheney and institute a single-payer health-care system. And then make him resign. Thanks.

Look, IPRUDE, like a lot of hipster parents, you've concluded that your enlightened attitudes toward sex — you look at porn! you masturbate! you're GGG! — obligates you to smile on your son's taste in porn and his masturbatory habits. After all, you wouldn't want your son to judge the porn you like or make you feel bad about masturbating, right? So wouldn't it make you a hypocrite if you judged his porn and made him feel bad about masturbating? No, it wouldn't, and here's why: Because you don't live in his house, he lives in yours; you're old enough to understand the difference between porn sex and real sex, he's not; you're not using his computer, he's using yours.

Sorry, but you have to say something to him because you're the parent. And there are times when a parent — even a pro-sex, GGG, bisexual parent — has to make her kid feel uncomfortable. The conversation you're about to have is gonna make your son wanna die, of course, but someone has to tell him that he's not the porn ninja he thinks he is. Right now he thinks he's getting away with it, stealthily downloading Asian anal gangbang porn and having top-secret wanks at Mom's computer. You can't send him off to college, or let him move in with roommates, or, God forbid, marry someone believing that he'll be able to fool his roommates or his new wife the same way he fooled his mother.

This talk isn't going to stop your son from looking at Internet porn, nor is he going to refrain from beating off in front of your computer. But a freakout — even a strategic, disingenuous freakout — will prompt your son to become more cautious about his porn consumption. He'll be sneakier and cover his tracks better, if only to avoid more boner-killing conversations with Mom about his taste in porn. And being stealthier about how and when and where he consumes Internet porn will result in his consuming a bit less of it, which is what you want, and if you include a few choice words about the kind of porn he's looking at — what it depicts, where it was made, how it may shape or distort his desires — he may even give a bit more thought to his porn choices. Good luck, Mom.

I'm a straight man in my early 30s and I have a very small dick. For five years I've been hiring hookers to play with my dick and tell me how it could never satisfy them and basically humiliate me verbally. I now find myself in a "normal" relationship with a cute, relatively vanilla girl who I couldn't possibly ask to satisfy my bizarre fetish.

Being verbally humiliated about my small dick exacerbated another problem: a psychological block that prevents me from believing I can satisfy a woman. My girlfriend says the sex is great — I last for hours because I can't come through vaginal intercourse — and I'm great at eating her tasty little pussy, which I love to do. I don't want to go back to hookers, but I can't bring myself to share my "fetish" about my desire to be humiliated with regard to my tiny cock. Any thoughts?

Shrink Wrapped In Chicago

First, SWIC, you can satisfy a woman — you are satisfying a woman — but don't take my word for it, or your girlfriend's. Take the word of guest expert Alice Dreger, a faculty member of the Medical Humanities and Bioethics Program at Northwestern University. Responding to a man with a small dick in this space last year, Dreger cited a study showing that small-dicked men often have "close and long-lasting relationships" with women. The women studied attributed their sexual satisfaction to the extra effort their partners went to during oral or nonpenetrative sex. Sounds like you're one of those very satisfying, extra-effort guys. So buck up.

That said, if being verbally humiliated about your tiny cock turns your tiny crank, fucking go for it. Your dick caused you nothing but grief for years; don't deny yourself whatever pleasure you've learned to take in it now. But before you go back to those hookers, risk telling your girlfriend about this fetish. You do the things that satisfy her and I'll bet she's just as interested in doing the things that satisfy you. But she can't do those things if you don't trust her enough to tell her what they are.

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