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While visiting my family for the holidays, my 72-year-old father informed me that a 29-year-old Russian woman was coming to America to be with him. He could hardly contain his excitement. I asked if he had sent this woman any money. He insisted that he had not. Over the next couple of days, I got my father to confess to sending this woman more than $3,000 (he won’t give me the real number). A few days later he went to the airport to meet his lovely Russian girlfriend. Obviously, no Russian woman got off the plane.

I have since had some conversations with my dad about the likelihood that a legitimate 29-year-old woman – or even a 50-year-old woman – would want to be with a 72-year-old man in bad health. He is overweight, basically lives on Social Security, has no special talents that would make a much younger woman attracted to him (i.e., he is not Jack Nicholson), etc. I encouraged him to think about more age-appropriate partners and did some searches for him on legit dating websites. He’s not interested in anyone close to his age. Those women are “old,” he says.

No Fools Like Old Fools

If your dad admits to sending this woman $3K, NFLOF, he probably sent her 10 times that. Explain to your father that he can have a hot younger woman whenever he wants – by renting one, an honest pro, someone who only wants to take him for her reasonable, hourly rate. Yes, he’ll be paying for it, but he’ll be paying a lot less and actually getting it. With a little effort, you and your dad can find a kind, understanding pro, someone he can see regularly, and he can establish a “relationship” of sorts, one that involves a little companionship and affection, real or simulated, and not just sex. It may not be legal, of course, but it’s the only way a man who isn’t rich and famous – like Donald Trump or Fred Thompson – can land a 29-year-old bride.

And finally, you need to talk to your father’s doc. If he’s dangerously out of touch with reality – like Donald Trump or Fred Thompson – you may need to step in and take over his finances before his next mail-order bride takes him for all he’s worth.

Here’s what’s up: My wife and I were making love the other night and after about 20 minutes of great sex she told me she was going to come. She had a great orgasm and then pretty much shut down. I was left lying on the bed with a huge hard-on and the expectation that she would “help” me out. But after a few minutes, it became apparent she had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. We had a mini-fight about it. She felt that since on other (rare) occasions I have had an orgasm and she hasn’t, it was OK to leave me the way she did. What gives? I have a case, don’t I?

Loaded Question

So long as you’ve offered to get the wife off on those occasions when you’ve come first – and made the offer with a smiling, upbeat, only-too-happy-to-do-it tone in your voice and followed through – she is obligated to do the same. If, however, you’ve rolled over and passed out on those occasions when you’ve come first, she is under no obligation to treat your ass with any more consideration.

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months and we are passionate about each other, making love at least twice a day. My girlfriend’s best friend is a gay man whom she dated in high school before he came out. I asked my girlfriend about taking a vacation together this year and she told me that she can’t because she’s going to Italy for two weeks with her gay ex. Is this screwed up or am I freaking out about nothing? I mean, she is going away for two weeks with her ex-boyfriend who now just happens to be gay?!

Jealously Justified

At six months, JJ, you don’t have the seniority to make demands on your girlfriend where travel companions are concerned. And he’s GAY, you idiot. They dated in HIGH SCHOOL. He is, for all intents and purposes, her GIRLFRIEND now – he probably always was. Seeing as he’s just a friend, JJ, why shouldn’t she travel with him? What are you afraid of? That he’s going to streak her hair over there?

If you can’t be chill about this, you’re going to sabotage this relationship. You haven’t been dating that long, so she either made these plans before you met or before you two became serious. Any bitching from you is going to raise red flags. If you’re smart – and the jury’s out – you’ll say, “Gee, I wish I was going with you – I can’t wait until we can travel together and fuck our way across Europe.” And, if you must, you can add, “I know it’s COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL, but I’m feeling a little jealous and threatened. Tell me again how COMPLETELY and THOROUGHLY and SCREAMINGLY gay your ex is, please.” Say that with a smile, and then take them BOTH out to dinner, give them a travel guide, and tell ’em you hope they have fun over there.

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