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I’m a 25-year-old man. I’m a zoophile and always have been. I know that once your brain is “wired” a certain way, “rewiring” it is unlikely, so this isn’t going to go away. My question is what do I do?

I don’t date. I have no sexual attraction to any human, male or female, so I don’t feel the need to. Also, sharing this information with anyone I attempted to date would probably end in horror, tears and my needing to move out of state. However, a lifetime without a relationship (two-legged or four-legged) seems unappealing. Here are the options I see:

1. Get a shrink (who I can talk to about this) and a girlfriend or boyfriend (who I can’t talk to about it) and, in terms of the sex, master giving head since my dick won’t want to join the party.

2. Buy a house with a big yard and … well, you know.

I’d just like your opinion. Who else would answer this anonymously, for free, and I’d actually have some faith in his judgment?

Really Unsure For Future

In short … my advice … which is really going to annoy Mike “Man and Animal” Huckabee … is … um … to buy that big house, one with a nice, big yard … and do what you gotta do. Inside, please, shades drawn.

Bestiality is wrong, wrong, wrong, because an animal cannot give its consent. But … uh … anyone who’s ever actually owned a boy dog knows that most would be only too delighted to … um … well, you know.

I’m assuming that you want to be fucked by dogs, of course. Man-on-dog is a whole lot wronger than dog-on-man, most importantly for reasons of safety for the animal, so I don’t smile on man-on-dog. (Actually, I don’t smile on the dog-on-man, either – it’s more like “grimace, cover eyes, look away,” but, hey, that’s the reaction I have to cunnilingus.) Take a torn-up girl dog to the vet and you’re going to wind up talking with the police.

For the record, I’m anti-bestiality (and very much pro-cunnilingus). But I had pork and beef and chicken at dinner last night – all 100 percent factory-farmed meat, derived from animals that were cruelly tortured every second of their brief and miserable existence – and I must say this: If I were an animal, I’d much rather be screwed than stewed. We murder animals for their flesh, skins, fur, and just for the fuck of it. Those of us who eat meat, wear fur, run around in leather, and kill animals for sport don’t have much moral authority when it comes time to lecture those of you who wanna smooch the pooch.

You helped take out Rick Santorum by naming a sex-related term after him. Now the time has come for you to do the same for GOP hopeful Mike Huckabee. He has compared homosexuality to bestiality in interviews, just like Santorum.

Dave In Olympia

Every time someone says something idiotic in public – myself included – I get letters from readers angrily demanding that Ann Coulter, Stephen Harper, Dick Cheney, Antonin Scalia, myself, et al., get the “santorum treatment” (which sounds almost as disgusting as the substance itself). This is the first time I can say that I’ve been tempted. But Huckabee remains a long shot for the GOP nomination, so it’s entirely possible that we’ll be rid of him in a few weeks’ time.

But just in case Huckabee is the nominee, I’m going to invite my readers to send their suggested definitions for the Huckabee to

Loads of gay men read your column. This makes you a good person to spread the word about the “flesh-eating” MRSA strain that is running rampant in communities of gay men in Boston and San Francisco. According to the studies reported in The New York Times, gay men in S.F. are 13 times more likely to have this nasty staph bacteria than the rest of the population in the area. Infection results in abscesses and ulcers. The bacteria is resistant to not only first-line antibiotics but also two of the three other medications recommended by the CDC. Maybe you could help inform people and keep them from getting infected with ass-and-genital-flesh-eating bacteria?

Keep It Clean

Not all gay men listen to me – things wouldn’t look so grim for us on the STI front if more did – but for what it’s worth:

Gay men can easily protect themselves from this new strain of MRSA. According to docs, it’s as simple as scrubbing with soap and water after skin-to-skin contact. Gay men should also reduce the number of our sex partners. Here’s some good advice we got at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic: “Have more sex with fewer people.” That was an effective health strategy back in the day – guys who took it to heart tended to live – and it would be nice to see today’s gay men adopt/readopt the more-sex/fewer-people strategy before the infectious shit hits the epidemiological fan. Again.

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