"Regrets, I've had a slew" 


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H. Ross Perot
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Enchilada wedding buffet
Dating your roommate's cousin
Dating your roommate
My Two Dads
Ethnic cleansing
Edie Brickell
Swapping dental dams
Strip air hockey
Drowning offspring in perfectly good Subaru
The Crusades
Teaching the Snuggle bear to huff
Poppin' and lockin'
Taking nude photos of Korean stepdaughter
Red Bull with Listerine chaser
Jayson Blair, intern
Intramural Crisco wrestling
Marrying him to change him
French bath/flossing at leisure
Allowing laser anywhere near vagina, "rejuvenating" or no
The rhythm method
Stripper pole in family rec room
Blended families
Extended families
Bringing laser pointer to Bible study
Blond streak on any brunette save Keith Richards
From Justin to Kelly: The Complete Shooting Script
Giving up hacky-sack, taking up cracky-sack
Clicking on the attachment
Pinto street racing
"Retiring" vinyl
"Un-retiring" Carlos Santana
Four hours with Bob Woodward
Dumping Atari system, keeping ColecoVision
Line dancing
Sympathy for the devil
The Second Amendment
Noam Chomsky Underoos
Letting the Parkay vent
NPR's Dining Out With Jack Henry Abbott
Invading rival high school without approval of model U.N.
Dennis Miller
Duets with dead people
Piss Christ-by-numbers
Becoming Chris Gaines, even for a minute
May-December coprophagia
Filling up on bread and rolls
Bare-knuckle jury tampering
Compassionate conservatism
Crashing the Donner party
Elective surgery
Saving the best tunes for your solo album
Drawing the line at oral
"The queue forms directly in front of the publicist's car"
The History Channel's I Love the 1880s
Beta anything
Not mentioning your herpes, but alluding to it
The Satanic Verses: The Junior Novel
Saving the best tunes for your solo album
Shoplifting watermelon in tankini
The Geneva Convention
The honor system
Swingles' garage sale
Holistic auto repair
That goddamn feeding tube, always with the feeding tube