;Oct. 6, 2:09 P.M.: Who should be more upset in this next case: the victim, or the perp(s)? Officer Staudte was dispatched to the 300 block of Mashie Lane regarding an occupied residential burglary. While our 30-year-old victim was sleeping, suspect(s) unknown popped out the screen to his kitchen window, forced the window up — causing $100 in damage — entered his kitchen and pilfered. The victim later conducted an inventory of his belongings and noticed "money was removed along with the glass jar which contained it," reports state. It appears the perp(s) breezed through the kitchen, snatched the jar of money and exited the front door. The victim wishes to press charges. Total value of the theft: $1 for the jar and $1 worth of cash in the jar.


;Oct. 6, 4:29 P.M.: For the second time in two weeks, this column features a break-in at the Azalea Park Little League concession stand. Is nothing sacred?


; Last week, we reported that a perp broke into the concession stand during the overnight hours between Sept. 28 and Sept. 29, jacking $5 worth of candy. We sense a pattern. This time, the same or different punk(s) returned, and their haul was a bit more substantial. A 51-year-old complainant assured Officer Foster that she locked up the concession stand the night before at 9 p.m., but when she returned on Oct. 6 at 4:15 p.m., she noticed someone had broken in. The suspect(s) used the main door, which is a chain-link fence, to get into the concession stand. The perp(s) pried the fence away from the frame to form a hole large enough to squeeze through. What did they snag? "Once inside, suspect(s) removed one case of Skittles, two cases of Starburst, two tubes of bubble gum, three packages of Sour Straws, one case of Coke, four cases of Gatorade (two red, two lemon-lime), one case of purple Gatorade, one case of hamburger patties, two cases of mozzarella sticks, one package of hot dogs, two cans of nacho cheese, and two boxes of Air Heads," according to reports.


; All totaled, the perp(s) made off with $220 in food products and caused approximately $200 in damage to the door. Though the league's ball players were probably upset about not getting their sugar fix, at least the complainant can take solace in the thought that the perp is probably in a diabetic coma by now. And, this time, the cops found fingerprints — which leads us to conclude that at some point in the near future, someone's getting grounded.


;Oct. 8, 1:08 P.M.: Officers Zedick and Cowell were dispatched to a commercial burglary on the 4500 block of Old Winter Garden Road. They met with our 45-year-old complainant, who relayed a story given to him by his 31-year-old employee. The employee stated that the establishment was broken into at 1 p.m. Oct. 8; the complainant stated the business was last seen locked and secured at 5 p.m. Oct. 6. It appears the unknown suspect(s) used unknown tool(s) to cut the $20 chain that secured the main gate, leaving the lock intact. He/she/they/it then opened the gate and entered the premises. Once inside, the perp(s) grabbed a self-propelled stump grinder: "The unknown person(s) moved the stump grinder to the point of entry, where it had to be moved around a parked pickup truck which was placed at the fence opening to prevent burglaries," reports state. "It was known the stump grinder was moved as you can see the tire tracks in the dirt leading from where it had been taken to the gate."


; The victim provided a sworn written statement and wishes to prosecute if the suspect(s) are located. He was issued a victim's rights booklet; perhaps our victim can use that to dig out stumps until he gets his $13,000 stump grinder replaced.


;Oct. 10, 1:42 A.M.: Beware of someone called "P-Funk" lurking in our midst. At the intersection of Magnolia Avenue and South Street, Officers Walczak and Licciardello were dispatched to investigate a robbery. They met with our 37-year-old victim, who relayed that someone he knew only as as "P-Funk" had just jacked him. "[The victim], who is in a wheelchair, stated that while he was in front of the laundromat located at the intersection of Division Avenue and Anderson Street, the suspect struck him several times with a stick. Suspect knocked [the victim] out of his wheelchair and took his fanny pack from around his waist and left in an unknown direction," reports state. How low can we go, Orlando?


; The perp got away with the $10 fanny pack, which contained $80 in cash and the victim's Florida ID card. In the attack, the victim suffered scrape injuries to his right arm and right knee; somehow, during the scuffle his nose also received a deep scratch.


; Officer Licciardello took photographs of the victim's injuries and received a sworn written statement from the victim declaring he will prosecute if the suspect is found. Orlando Fire Department arrived on the scene and tended to the victim's wounds.


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