;FEB. 15, 9:50 A.M.: It was reported early this morning that an unknown person or persons broke into a multileveled law firm in the 200 block of South Orange Avenue and partook in an burglary spree.


;The secret suspect(s) stealthily whisked through floors 22, 23 and 24 of the firm, extracting a total of nine IBM ThinkPad laptops from nine individual offices. Total value of the purloined computers is approximately $13,500.


;FEB. 15, 1:20 P.M.: Just hours later this Thursday afternoon, another unknown suspect or suspects struck, stealing thousands of dollars worth of metal.


;This time, the suspect(s) broke into a business in the 2700 block of Eunice Avenue after using a tool of some sort to cut through a backyard fence. The task proved easy enough, and so did extracting an undetermined number of stainless steel condenser stands, altogether valued at approximately $12,000. The pricey steel pieces weren't locked away in a shed, as one might assume, to ensure their maximum safety. Instead, they were lying in the yard, undoubtedly taunting the passerby perp(s). Stands in hand, the suspect or suspects leapt back through the fence opening — which will cost 100 bucks to repair, reports state — and disappeared.


;While browsing eBay, be on the lookout for a bulk supply of condenser stands. It's difficult to imagine what other use a burglar might have with 12 grand worth of the stainless steel.


;FEB. 17, 12:56 A.M.: Two guys were hanging in the "linen section" of a hotel in the 5700 block of Major Boulevard, reports state. Then they spotted some rather fishy behavior.


;A threesome of sandy-haired suspects — two male and one female — walked speedily down the hotel's employee staircase. One of the speed walkers held a peculiar jacket in his arms which was "full of snacks," reports add. The witnesses also observed that the lady's jacket pockets were swelled with snacks.


;After scoping the employee vending machines out on the second floor, the onlookers discovered that they'd been pried open and emptied of the majority of their Yellow No. 5-infused snacky treats. Also noted was a vandalized Coca-Cola machine, though entry was not successfully gained by the vending-machine bandits. No sweet soda to wash down your salty snacks, suckers.


;"Attempts to contact the owner of the machines met with negative results as the telephone was disconnected," reports add. Although total monetary damages are unknown at this time, it should be noted that guests of the motel had no way to satisfy their midnight munchies that evening.


;FEB. 17, 11:24 A.M.: One very tough 36-year-old woman was shopping at the supermarket with her 6-year-old daughter in the 4700 block of Millenia Plaza Way this morning. Upon parking her champagne colored 2000 Lexus, the lady placed her purse on the parking lot pavement while helping the wee one out of her seat. Then, the unexpected occurred.


;A woman sporting a maroon jacket, approximately 20-years-old, popped out of thin air and snatched the purse. One might suspect the younger, stealthier sneak made off with the handbag with ease, weaving in and out of parked cars until blending in perfectly with a sea of shoppers. But she didn't. Mom surprised the purse snatcher by chasing after and angrily tackling her to the ground. You go, mom! The purse was recovered, most impressively, but the suspect escaped with a male in an SUV displaying white writing on the side.


;FEB. 19, 8:50 A.M.: How could this week's crime-spree recap end without a tale of a burglar stealing miscellaneous household tools? It couldn't.


;A mysterious suspect or suspects managed to break into a property – this time in the 2500 block of Technology Drive – and whack open the lock securing a business trailer.


;The variety of gadgets heisted is what's to be considered impressive here. Of the $3,231 worth of gizmos taken, our suspect or suspects escaped with a circular saw, chain saw, laser kit, hole punch set, hacksaw, monkey wrenches, 12-gauge extension chords, framing nailer and air hoses, just to name a few. If we're to conclude anything from this incident, it's that handiwork is more than just a hobby for our crafty suspect(s).

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