;FEB. 28, 11:56 A.M.: A Korean man, 42, and a woman, 34, worked busily at a beauty shop in the 2100 block of Bruton Boulevard. One minute they watched as female shoppers scanned aisles for moisture-rich lipsticks and the perfect shade of bronzer; the next, they observed a peculiar pair wearing ski masks scaring everyone straight out the front door.


;The masked duo embarked on a looting mission, batting the black-and-white gloves each wore into the air while customers scrambled toward freedom. But the concealed crooks did not seek the same collagen fillers and frizz-control shampoos that faithful customers did; they wanted cash. After ordering one employee to the ground while the other frenziedly locked herself in the bathroom, they ransacked a cash register and extracted $500. Petrifying pomade purchasers. So wrong.


;MARCH 3, 11:58 A.M.: What's better than pocketing cash? Heisting pants, at least in this burglar's book. That must be why he raided a men's clothing store in the 5700 block of North Orange Blossom Trail.


;The scrawny perp, approximately 14 years of age and standing only 5 feet, 2 inches tall, strode into the garment shop wearing black from head to toe and picked out several stylish ensembles, including two pairs of Jordan shoes, a couple of pairs of shorts, a T-shirt and a jersey. But he didn't pay for the threads upon reaching the sales counter. Instead, he asked the 27-year-old sales associate, ever so kindly, to please write up an estimate of the total cost. He'd come back with the money to complete the transaction, scout's honor.


;Sure enough, he came back 10 minutes later. But he whipped out a silver revolver instead of greenbacks, which in this case was as good as cash. He demanded the $280 mound of fashion pronto. But he didn't stop there. Though he was only handed 20 bucks from the cash register — just enough to pick up some Fruit of the Loom–brand undergarments and complete the look, perhaps — this tenderfoot was detail-oriented enough to also confiscate the VHS videotape that captured his naughty doings.


;MARCH 4, 1:40 A.M.: Swiping britches is not cool, but purloining a defenseless dog is much scummier.


;A 52-year-old lady tied her canine companion — a bull/rat terrier mix described as white with a red nose and "seven brown cow patch spots on her nose" according to reports — inside a screened back porch. The terrier, named Omega, was likely licking herself or dreaming of Alpo when the unknown suspect or suspect(s) cut the screen lock open and whisked her away. Omega was valued at approximately $1,000, but we all know that a friend is really priceless.


;Reports add that the dog is deaf, which means locating Omega is going to prove difficult.


;MARCH 5, 7:55 A.M.: A person or persons unknown got creative while burglarizing an auto shop in the 4500 block of North Orange Blossom Trail. Instead of using the popular "unknown tool" to gain entry, the perp/perps tossed a car battery through the west window, birthing $800 in damages.


;Next, the perp(s) "removed four 22-inch Alba rims on Pirelli tires valued at $4,000," and also took "four 20-inch OEM factory rims with four Pirelli tires valued at $2,600," police reports state.


;MARCH 5, 9:42 A.M.: Another unknown suspect or suspects stirred trouble this evening by jumping a fence surrounding a Christian service center on Glenn Lane. Then security bars leading to the men's wee-wee room were pried apart, along with the bottom portion of the single-pane window. One thing's for sure: After that workout, our perp(s) needed sustenance.


;So the suspect(s) headed straight for the main dining hall. There they cut a lock and pried open a roomy deep freezer. "Once inside," police reports state, "the suspect(s) removed approximately 20 slabs of ribs." Reports add that "there are other ribs and other food supplies" that easily could have been extracted from a room which also contains "a TV, a radio and other items of value, which were not taken." Yeah, but that sweet rib meat is valued at about $200.


;The man who reported the missing meat noted "that there are approximately one dozen employees that knew about the ribs and knew precisely what was needed to break into the building to steal the ribs," according to reports. Looks like an inside job. Or maybe that old dude on the Sonny's commercial is somehow involved.

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