;MARCH 23, 9:37 A.M.: O-Town natives and tourists alike browsed the booths at a flea market in the 5500 block of International Drive this sunny day, stocking up on seasonal fruit and Mickey Mouse T-shirts. A stealthy perp or perps, however, did not get enough of the flea market and decided to stick around after hours, police reports state, burglarizing multiple booths.


;A booth bearing the title "One thousand gifts for $1.99" was filched, police reports state, and the filchers went straight for the cash register. It took a little effort, but after finally busting the register open, causing a whopping $1,500 worth of damage to it in the process, $250 was extracted. The booth vendor later recovered the loose cash.


;Booth No. U2 was raided next – no, not owned by Bono – and so was its cash register. This time, it took $650 worth of damage to pry open the apparatus and 100 bucks was boosted. At booth No. Q1, another $100 was taken, but at No. P1, a jewelry shop, reports state $5,000 worth of miscellaneous rings, bracelets, necklaces and other sterling silver sweets were stolen. A few booths later, police reports state, the suspect(s) tired and left the ol' flea market, taking with them $8,125 worth of goodies.


;MARCH 23, 10:09 A.M.: A 49-year-old man ran into his residence at the 500 block of Lee Avenue to grab an ID card, police reports state. Upon stepping back outside, the fellow fell victim to one supreme bitch's wrath.


;Outside his home, he observed a slender female sporting a mismatched brown T-shirt with black pants clutching a brick in her hands. She wasn't part of the construction crew laying bricks across the street. The woman had other plans for the brick, such as hurling it into the man's white, 2001 truck's front windshield and driver's side window, according to police reports. And the extreme bitchery doesn't stop here. This malevolent miss then picked up a gas can and proceeded to pour its contents through the shattered windows. Then she fled.


;Estimated damage to the truck is $700, police reports state. Perhaps the onlooker could have avoided such a bill, however, if he'd been man enough to step in instead of sitting back and watching a lady try to torch his ride.


;MARCH 24, 2:32 A.M.: A man, 37, slept in a park in the 1400 park of West Church Street, coated by starlight and night air. He snoozed peacefully until a complete stranger, a male approximately 20 years old, woke him up and began jabbering nonsense about a cell phone. The still half-asleep napper told the passerby, "He was not going to give him anything," police reports state. Wrong answer.


;The young man produced a long stick and smacked the snoozer right in the mug with it; then he took 10 bucks, a $25 baseball cap and a $20 Metro PCS phone charging cord. Before scrambling off for good, though, stick man whipped it out one last time and tapped the man on the face, urging the victim not to follow.


;According to police reports, the victim "had a small laceration on his nose," and, "was unable to write a statement," so the officer had to do it for him. Hell of a wake up call.


;MARCH 26, 8:01 A.M.: An unknown suspect or suspects sliced the lock off of a construction trailer in the 8300 block of Narcoosee Road, causing $50 worth of damage. But inside, we don't find ourselves with the oh-so common toolkit burglary. Instead, police reports state that 11 rolls of copper worth $15,750 were extracted. Be on the lookout.


;MARCH 26 8:58 A.M.: Ready for some more pyromaniac perp action? Sure you are.


;An unknown suspect or suspects entered a residential construction site in the 8660 block of Warwick Shore Crossing with ill plans. These destructive perp(s) wasted no time, starting the spree by shattering a window and damaging some sheet rock. The real fun was had, however, when the evildoer(s) tossed roofing tar into the mix. A blue sweater soaked in the sticky substance was left in an upstairs room (evidence!), and the suspect(s) also "placed a large amount of roofing tar on three two-by-four," police reports state. They add that, "In the back of the house, under the covered patio, was a three foot long two-by-four which had tar on it."


;Officers have reason the believe the slimy suspect or suspects made an attempt to light the gooey tar on fire, though the pyrotechnical plan did not work out. Total damages are estimated to be approximately one grand.


;Couldn't we get back to stealing six packs of Natty Ice or pocketing cancer sticks?


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