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MARCH 28, 1:28 P.M.: Today, officers responded to the 1200 block of West Church Street, where an unknown suspect or suspects had raided an appliance store and relieved themselves while doing so.

Reports state the perpetrator(s) gained entry to the gated appliance shop by scaling the chain-link fence circling the property. There, an unlocked, white Ford F150 truck was entered, but not stolen. Instead, a single backpack, valued at $50, was emptied of all its contents and deemed a worthy prize. Pretty pointless burglary so far, but it doesn't stop there, folks. Police reports state, "… there is an on-going problem with transients entering his property to sleep and defecate behind his business." Shitty.

MARCH 28, 8:41 P.M.: A churchgoer opened the front door to his or her favorite place of worship in the 400 block of South Jernigan Avenue for Wednesday night service. Unfortunately, the worshiper was not greeted by a crowd of the devout. In fact, the visitor noticed several church pieces missing. Among the stolen chapel items, police reports state, were "one amplifier valued at $400, a Casio keyboard (valued at $500), a silver tape recorder (valued at $25), and a cord that belongs with a Peavey speaker (valued at $50), three microphones and one portable amplifier (valued at $100)."

Stealing a Bible or two is probably forgivable, but heisting the whole church band's rig? Let's just hope the purloined church equipment isn't being used to play the devil's music.

APRIL 1, 4:13 A.M.: Here we have a ne'er-do-well with a hankering for deli meats.

The morning was wee when a starving suspect or suspects stopped by a famed sub sandwich shop in the 2000 block of East Colonial Drive. Our perp or perps did not use an unknown object to break into the building; instead, police reports state, a "crystal-like doorknob" was employed to smash through the eatery's window. Fancy.

One might've expected the suspect or suspects to start the spree off by stuffing their faces with marinara-coated meatballs, spicy Italian sandwich meats and perhaps Parmesan-crusted breads. But not a morsel was sampled. Instead, the snack-seeker(s) made off with nada — that's right, zilch. Maybe the video camera frightened them away?

If so, the perps should take note that "the videotape system appeared to be malfunctioning and no images were recorded," according to police. Reports add that repairing the window — thanks to that crystal doorknob — will cost about $1,000.

APRIL 2, 8:45 A.M.: More crap was stolen today, this time from a cabinetry shop in the 1400 block of Alden Road. The person or persons raiding the shop placed a wooden pallet against the side of the building, using it as a ladder to climb to an upper northeast door. The next step: slicing open the door's screen, then removing all "locking pins," reports state, used to secure the locked entryway. Mission accomplished.

What did the winner(s) go so far out of the way for, you wonder? A spray gun, valued at $30, and two drills, worth 100 bucks each. Police reports add the following tidbit, stating that the suspect(s) "opened two refrigerator doors along the east side of the business, leaving the doors wide open. It appeared unknown person(s) may have been using the light from the refrigerators as the business is very dark." Resourceful.

APRIL 2, 8:59 A.M.: Our week ends with some unidentified hooligan or hooligans breaking into another fast food restaurant, this time an outlet of the world's most popular fried chicken joint in the 400 block of South Orange Blossom Trail. But why burglarize such an establishment if you aren't going to sample the grub?

After entering through the side door, the first item of business was busting into a cash register and extracting as much dosh as possible, which in today's case was $100. Not an impressive amount of greenbacks, but enough to purchase a sufficient quantity of snacker sandwiches to bring on a heart attack, for sure. Cash pocketed, the suspect or suspects hit the freezers. A variety of miscellaneous frozen foods including fish and boneless chicken wings was snatched up, totaling approximately $500, according to police reports. The suspect(s) then hit the road, likely in a hurry to refrigerate the frozen wings and buffalo strips, because the stuff is hard to pawn when it's rotten.

Here's a tasty morsel of information: According to police reports, an employee of the restaurant stated that "the door to the business would have been locked but could not confirm if the night shift manager had checked all the doors. The side door, located on the north side of the business, was found ajar when the employees arrived at work. There were no signs of forced entry."

Not looking good for that shift manager. Perhaps a lengthier future awaits at the Bell.

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