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;JULY 18, 8:32 A.M.: A 43-year-old woman showed up for work this morning at a bread outlet store in the 4300 block of North Pine Hills Road, only to find a very crummy scenario.


;A suspect or suspects unknown gained entry to the doughy haven via the southeast warehouse door. Once inside, a mysterious tool was used to chisel-off the "door's handlock to the showroom," police reports state. Row upon row of multigrain, rye and sourdough delights were left untouched by our perpetrator(s), however. This was no time for pumpernickel; the bad guy(s) were after a $400 security camera video recording system. The camera was removed from "an unsecured unlocked box located atop a set of shelves" within the room, reports add. Before fleeing the scene, the suspect(s) rummaged through a refrigerator, a series of shelves and a cash register, which was left overturned with no coinage inside.


;Total estimated damage is put at approximately $1,000. But we can rest assured, at least, that O-Town citizens had no shortage of toast the next morning.


;JULY 19, 4:18 P.M.: ;A man, 19, walked through a breezeway at his apartment complex in the 5200 block of North Orange Blossom Trail. A stroll through one's own apartment turned ugly, however, when a 14-year-old passerby pointed a "black semi-automatic 9 millimeter handgun" at the victim's chest, police reports state.


;"Give it up," the lad demanded of the walker, or else he wouldn't hesitate to "bust him," reports add.


;The man obeyed by stripping his shorts off per the boy's instructions, then turned his pockets inside out. One Louis Vuitton wallet – valued at $50 and stuffed with $150 cash – plopped out of the pocket along with a single Publix pay stub. With booty in hand, the young boy urged the victim to "get loss," police reports state. He pulled his shorts up, ran home to grab a telephone and headed for Publix thereafter to warn the boss he would not be making it for work. Aww.


;That didn't make his fancy wallet reappear, though. The victim told police he remembers saving the boy's own ass from being "busted" by a mob of 19-year-olds at a 7-Eleven recently. He assumed the kid was "a good natured person," police reports state. Maybe he's not such a good judge of character.


;JULY 20, 8 A.M.: A burglary took place this morning, too, by some unidentified suspect or suspects lurking the 4000 block of Dijon Drive, though spicy mustard is not what was sought.

;;The perpetrator(s) headed for a popular crime spot at apartment complexes: the fenced, locked storage yard. After the gate's lock and latch had been meticulously pried-off, the stored goodies were left untouched. The suspect(s) did drive out of the storage room on a stolen golf cart, though. Because folks usually don't take their golf buggies for joy rides down State Road 408, our suspect(s) restricted their slow journey to the apartment ground itself. The end result? An abandoned golf cart on a beach in the south side of the apartment complex along with "several tracks" indented throughout the "plants and grass area" of the grounds, police reports state.


;Damages are estimated at $100, and we hope the hooligan(s) sated their desire to do doughnuts in a golf cart.


;JULY 21, 8:18 A.M.: We've had our fair share of thieves heisting air conditioners this hellish season, but you may be interested to know that there are miscreants out there actually lifting heating devices.


;The suspect or suspects set to work at night, once the air had cooled, crawling through the window of a business in the 20 block of South Westmoreland Drive. They discovered, and stole, a Dell computer server and workstation, worth $2,800 combined. But the heisting did not end until approximately seven radiators were extracted, worth 100 bucks a pop. Let's hope this winter is a frosty one.


;JULY 22, 4:57 A.M.: When a local pharmacy's employees arrived at work this morning in the 4600 block of East Michigan Street, they found the bottom half of their ATM machine MIA. A video recording revealed plenty o' juicy details.


;The burglar(s) used a very large tool to smash through the store's front window: a white Chevrolet or GMC pickup truck backed through the front door. They then loaded a "large object" in the truck's bed "upon exiting the front of the store," police reports state.


;Employees at the pharmacy attempted contacting the bank after noting its name, "Chase," printed on the ATM's side. That did not prove fruitful. "Upon checking with service," police reports state, "they were unable to provide a contact number for Chase Bank, therefore, they were not contacted."


;One thing we do know: That storefront is going to cost $20,000 to fix.

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