AUG. 7, 6:52 P.M.: On Tuesday afternoon, just hours after a slew of whiny brats boarded school buses and headed home for an afternoon snack, an unknown suspect or suspects deemed it a good time to pay an elementary school in the 800 block of Grand Street a visit.

They broke into portables No. 9 and No. 10, police reports state, and pillaged through other portables that had unlocked doors. As we've seen in prior cases, the perpetrator(s) skimmed straight past the scholastic goodies — textbooks, Pink Pets and protractors — and opted for worthless crap: a bunch of dry-erase markers and a $10 Care Bear stuffed animal.

When police arrived, they discovered the lone, creepy plush toy on the ground alongside several dry-erase markers in front of portable No. 7. Though it "rained about 30 minutes prior to the alarm," the reports note, the stuffed animal was still dry. Thank heavens.

AUG. 9, 7:59 A.M.: A portable restroom service in the 340 block of North Orange Blossom Trail fell victim to someone's dirty needs this morning.

The suspect(s) gained entry by crawling through a hole in the fence that enclosed the business, police reports state. That hole had been carved only four days ago during a previous burglary. Our perp(s) did not plan on swiping smelly portable toilets — just toilet paper. According to police reports, the suspects extracted 10 rolls of toilet paper, valued at $20.50, from the front seat of a parked truck. Damage to the truck's window is estimated at $500.

That seems like a lot of work for some Charmin. If nature called so emphatically, couldn't they just have pilfered from Wal-Mart like everyone else?

AUG. 10, 7:01 A.M.:Sometimes, 10 rolls of TP just ain't enough. Unknown suspect(s) struck the aforementioned portable restroom service the very next day, police reports state. How entry was gained, you wonder? Through the same friggin' hole that no one had repaired yet. This time, our suspect(s) hopped atop a forklift and drove it three feet forward into a previously damaged door to gain indoor access.

Inside, the real booty revealed itself: "… four cases of Pro Tablets, five cases of bleach, six cases of jumbo toilet tissue, two cases of household cherry tablets, four cases of urine blocks, and one case of hand soap," according to police reports. Of course, the toilet deodorizer tablets and case of jumbo butt wipes weren't enough, so our suspect(s) also snatched "two brand-new crescent wrenches, two channel lock pliers, a hand cart, and a pot rivet gun," reports add. Value of the sanitizing accessories totals $395.

"This is the fifth commercial burglary occurring this week at this business," police reports state, adding that the suspects "had broken into the same building a total of three times and broken into the trucks, twice, to steal toilet paper."

AUG. 13, 12:01 A.M.: This weekday morning, as most of us snoozed soundly, some unknown suspect(s) keenly examined a neighborhood market in the 410 block of Booker Street for possible entry methods.

Using a mysterious unidentified tool, our suspect(s) managed to craft two different holes in the store's walls — one on the northwest side, one on the southwest. Whatever this tool was, it did a darn fine job prying plywood and drywall apart.

The midnight perp or perps slipped inside, but accidentally tripped the alarm by opening the bathroom door en route to a storage area. At that point, our suspect(s) had just one choice: scramble. Before hauling ass, our suspect(s) grabbed three Heineken beer bottles, valued at $5. The market's walls, on the other hand, will cost $1,100 to fix.

At 3:01 that same morning, the po-pos found themselves returning to the same mart, due to a second alarm. "`T`he responder did not secure the business after the initial incident," police reports state; however, the cops "were unable to determine if access had been gained a second time" and if more Heinies or, god forbid, toilet paper had been swiped.

AUG. 13, 8:34 A.M.: Next we make our way over to the 1510 block of Highland Drive, where a community pool gets a makeover.

The unidentified suspect(s) entered the fenced-in pool area by unknown means and immediately began redecorating. First, they spray-painted the words "Blaze" and "Omega," on the pool's walls, police reports state. Next, they branded the letters "OPK" and "CAP" onto numerous areas of the east and west building exterior walls. Then the suspect(s) repeated the same marks along a concrete wall on the main building's south side.

Could these be pool-related slang terms so cutting-edge they're new to us? Orlando Pools Kill? Cold and Pee-ridden? While reports do not reveal what the letters stand for, they do tell us that it will cost about $500 to remove the graffiti from the walls.

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