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OCT. 3, 10:32 P.M.: On this evening an unknown man, approximately 20 years old, walked inside a gas station in the 2800 block of West Colonial Drive. He wore a black T-shirt, black baggy shorts, black shoes and a black hat. The final item of attire should have been a red flag, however: a black towel draped over his head.

Men with towels covering their faces usually don’t just stop by for a cup of coffee. The stranger brandished a handgun, keeping it by his side at all times, and demanded cash from the cashier. Once all the money – an undetermined amount – had been handed over, the scrawny suspect tried to split through the front door. That didn’t exactly work because it was locked.

Eventually, the burglar in black obtained freedom and became one with the night air on his way toward John Young Parkway and was never seen again.

OCT. 4, 9:30 P.M.: The contents of one apartment complex garage in the 2400 block of Tack Room Lane looked awfully appealing to some unknown suspect or suspects.

Because the “two doors leading into the garage were unsecured,” entry was simple, police reports state. There rested a 2004 Saturn, unlocked and irresistible. For the burglar(s), however, there was nothing cool about the wheels. A pile of miscellaneous CDs was taken, but nothing more. On their way out another unlocked vehicle, this time a 2002 Nissan, greeted the perp(s). Was it pimp enough to swipe? No. But a single iPod within was taken.

We conclude by emphasizing the importance of locking your cars.

OCT. 8, 9:37 A.M.: Our local fairground and Expo Park swayed some burglar or burglars to make an appearance earlier this month, though not to dillydally at an exotic bird or pottery show.

No, the perp or perps at hand were apparently parched. Upon breaking into the facilities in the 4600 block of West Colonial Drive by prying open front doors, all eyes fell upon a single, humming Coca-Cola machine. Were they after the frosty, carbonated nectar within? Of course not. That never happens in O-Town.

All Coke Zeros and caffeinated concoctions were left in place. But mounds of coinage was scooped up and stolen. Although the exact amount of dough extracted from the vending machine is unknown, police reports state that the damage to the soda machine itself is approximately $2,000. The front doors will cost $60 to fix, reports add.

OCT. 8, 6:39 P.M.: A 42-year-old man finished shopping at a local pharmacy in the 5100 block of North Lane today. He wouldn’t be catching the taxi back home, however.

While he waited for a taxi to arrive in the front of the store, about a dozen boys – all approximately 14 years old, police reports
state – appeared suddenly. The kids were not selling Snickers bars as part of an after-school fund-raiser. Fund-raising in these twisted, teenage minds, meant looting our shopper’s bagged goods.

And that’s not all: After snagging the bags, the mob of miscreants socked the man so savagely he crashed onto the concrete. Screams filled the air, but our delinquents continued “hitting, punching and kicking him,” police reports state. They ultimately pilfered not only the victim’s bags, but his bus pass, a “brown mink” wallet stuffed with $16 and a gift card, reports add.

OCT. 8, 9:12 P.M.: For those who haven’t noticed, Oct. 8 was a big day for miscreants in the City Beautiful. And the wheel keeps turning.

Tonight, a 36-year-old man was having fun at a Magic game in the 700 block of West Colonial Drive when a stranger, 50, chose to have fun with his parked BMW. The suspect hurled a brick through the driver’s side window, then poked the upper half of his body into the shattered hole. He was in the process of trying to tote the car’s stereo when Officer Myhre arrived.

Refusing to show the officer his hands, however, was not the brightest idea. “Fearing he had a weapon,” police reports state, the cop whipped out his Taser and jolted the hoodlum. “This caused the suspect to come out of the car and quickly sit on the ground, but did not produce a classic Taser response,” reports add. He continued to keep his mitts out of view, which prompted round two: more Tasing!

This time a “more classic response” was produced and hands finally revealed themselves, reports state. Backups arrived shortly and determined the suspect should be transported to ORMC due to slashes on his hands/face from the glass, but our suspect felt differently. He tried kicking the paramedics, then told an officer that “he would kill his family,” reports add.

The uncouth perp did not get Tased a third time, reports state.

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