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(???-??????) ???: This Beat will be published on my 29th birthday – fun fact: That’s also the first anniversary of the death of pompous gasbag Jerry Falwell – which means that by the time you read this, I’ll have less than a year left of meaningful existence. As the kids say, whatevs. (Do the kids still say that?)

Whaddya got for me, Officer Yong? “On the above date and time, unknown suspect climbed through an open window at the above address” – which, by the way, isn’t listed – “and taken miscellaneous items and left in an unknown direction.”


April 30

(2008-187655) 7:17 a.m.: Officer Cunnard coins a new phrase, which I hope to repeat as many times as possible because it’s awesome. I’ve always said police reports need more poetic license. “The victim believes unknown person(s) defeated the deadbolt `italics mine` to her apartment by unknown means and took things from within the living room, relocking the door and exiting.”

It was a battle to the death, I’m sure.

(2008-188728) 9:39 p.m.: A 23-year-old man walking down East Central Boulevard downtown got jacked by a 35-year-old woman who “struck the victim in the back of the head with a hammer then demanded money from the victim. Victim gave the suspect all the cash in his wallet and the suspect ran away westbound,” Officer Licciardello says.

Dude. It’s an old chick with a hammer. Man up. And yes, I can call 35-year-olds “old.” I’m not one of you.


May 1

(2008-189829) 4:30 p.m.: A transient robbed a dart store by telling the clerk he had a gun in his sock. So, that trick still works?

(2008-190135) 8:32 p.m.: Bumfight! A transient known only as Joe tackled another transient and stole his cash.

(2008-190204) 9:34 p.m.: Two teenagers threatened another with a handgun on Mercy Drive. While walking away, they fired shots in the air. Kids are stupid.

May 5

(2008-195304) 9:14 a.m.: Happy Cinco de Mayo! Someone snagged an aluminum fuel tank from some sort of repair shop on Division Avenue. We’re sure the description of the getaway truck will solve the crime, no problem: “Dodge. Sticker under right tailgate H.” No, I don’t know what the “H” means.

(2008-195369) 10:04 a.m.: If a cop pulls you over, and you start running, there’s a good chance he’s going to chase you. And while he’s chasing you, he’ll probably notice that gun you tossed.

(2008-195481) 12:02 p.m.: Is this how cops talk dirty? While holding up a cell phone store, our bad guy “pulled a revolver with a long barrel out of his waistband.” Officer Beaver (heh), you just sent a tingle up my shorts.

(2008-195612) 2:33 p.m.: OK, so two dudes kick their way into an apartment, guns drawn, and demand money from a woman inside. Preach it, Officer Henry: “While inside both black males pointed handguns at the victim and forced her to put a pillow sheet over her head. Victim was then able to run out of the apartment through the rear sliding glass door and call for help. Both suspects fled the area in an unknown white vehicle.”

To recap: They have guns. She has a sheet over her head. She escapes and they run. What am I missing?

May 6

(2008-196293) 1:43 a.m.: “Three black males were observed leaving the Ralph Lauren Polo Store with a large quantity of clothes in their hands,” Officer Goodwin tells us. Since when do black dudes wear Polo? Oh yeah. Thanks, Kanye.

(2008-189321) 9:33 a.m.: Having dispatched this week’s racial stereotyping, I’ll mention that someone cut through a chain-link fence that separates a storage facility from a bar known for high levels of douchebaggery (cough Roxy cough.). Nothing was stolen.

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