July 25

(2008-320918) 2:13 p.m.: A guy walked into a hotel bar and tried to jack the bar's flat-screen television. When that didn't work, he walked into an office and removed three bottles of booze. Then he left. Even though it was the middle of the day, apparently no one was around to stop him.

(2008-320921) 2:15 p.m.: Someone smashed the coin box of an apartment complex washing machine.

(2008- 321001) 3:13 p.m.: Your Police Beat Fiend of the Week comes from a drugstore on West Gore Street, where an unknown male snatched a woman's prescription right out of her hand, then took off in a silver two-door. It'd be funny if he stole her UTI meds.

(2008-321094) 4:16 p.m.: Three men with guns broke into an apartment on Commander Drive. They spent two minutes asking for someone — the police report doesn't say for whom — then left without taking anything in a car described as having "old rusty hubcaps." The victim didn't press charges. He probably didn't want the three guys coming back to ask for him.

(2008-321660) 11:05 p.m.: Every once in a while, a police report comes across my desk that reminds me why I write this column every damn week. This is one such example. Take it away, Officer Montgomery: "I responded to the `downtown` LYNX bus terminal … in reference to an elderly naked female. Upon arrival I witnessed the female putting her clothes back on. When I asked for ID she removed four quarters from her pants pocket and threw them at me."

Montgomery, not figuring that this 55-year-old, undressing, coin-throwing transient might be, you know, touched, arrested her for battery on a law enforcement officer. For throwing coins at him.

And cops wonder why we think they're dicks.

July 26

(2008-322734) 5:14 p.m.: Two heavyset guys kicked in the front door of a house on Fairway Lane. One of them demanded that the owner give him back his cell phone charger and $400. The owner told them he had no idea what they were talking about. Satisfied, the two home invaders drove away. Guess they picked the wrong house.

July 28

(2008-325111) 10:11 a.m.: A perp hit the copper-wire mother lode and made off with 1,500 pounds of the stuff from an electrical contractor on East Orlando Street.

(2008-325820) 8:51 p.m.: A department store rent-a-cop spotted a 15-year-old shoplifting and successfully recovered the merch, even after she fought him. The cops arrested her.

(2008-326033) 11:55 p.m.: Here's one the Convention and Visitors Bureau is going to love: Someone opened fire in a club near Universal Studios. One victim was taken to the hospital in stable condition.

July 29

(2008-326342) 8:29 p.m.: Some douche-nozzle broke into an I-Drive KFC, but fled when he couldn't figure out how to dismantle the surveillance system. Hint: Spray-paint the cameras or wear a mask. Don't you morons watch movies?

(2008-326373) 9:03 a.m.: Memo to Lake Baldwin Lane law firm: Lock your doors when you leave. People will steal your fancy computing gizmos.

(2008-326572) 12:04 p.m.: A thief broke into an apartment and stole three gaming systems while the apartment's four occupants were asleep.

(2008-326625) 12:52 p.m.: Someone stole furniture from a furniture warehouse.

(2008-327315) 9:18 p.m.: Memo to Parramore residents: It is apparently unsafe to use your laptop computer at night on your front porch. Two dudes in black masks may point handguns in your face and kindly ask you to turn said computer over, and you'll probably do as they wish.

(2008-327432) 11:11 p.m.: This week's Police Beat Asshat of the Week comes to you from a food store on South Westmoreland Drive, where a thief broke in and stole … scratch-off lottery tickets. Because, surely, the state has no means of keeping track of those and busting your ass when you try to collect your winnings.

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