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(2008-??????) ???: From a less-than-complete police report: A 46-year-old man was pulled over for committing a "bicycle violation" — Biking While Black, perhaps? — and the cops found three grams of crack and six grams of weed.

Aug. 2

(2008-332375) 1:57 a.m.: Face meets beer bottle. Face loses.

(2008-332454) 2:56 a.m.: Someone smashed the glass front door of a business in the ViMi district, but nothing was taken. Kudos to the cabbie who called it in.

(2008-332552) 5:22 a.m.: Your Police Beat Asshat o' the Week is the fella who tried to jack a car in the 1200 block of West Colonial Drive and shot the driver twice. Fortunately, the driver had no life-threatening injuries and was able to drive off without handing over his ride.

(2008-332621) 7:54 a.m.: "An unknown suspect used an unknown tool to enter the leasing office at `an apartment complex` and removed a laundry-card machine containing an unknown amount of money" — Orlando Police Officer Stephen Walczak, 2008.

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know" — U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, 2002.

(2008-332938) 2:29 p.m.: Yo people! When will you listen to me? If you leave an unattended garage door wide open, shit will get stolen. In this case, fiends stole not only cash from the car but also a child's bicycle.

(2008-333219) 7:39 p.m.: A male, 19, and a woman, 18, broke into an elementary school and were nabbed by the fuzz inside portable No. 2. It's not in the police report, but since it's a slow day at the office I'll just go ahead and imagine they were bumping uglies, as the kids say.

(2008-333318) 9:12 p.m.: Your second and third Police Beat Asshats o' the Week are the two gunman who, after successfully holding up a couple for all of their belongings, decided to conk them on the head with a handgun anyhow.

(2008-333526) 11:56 p.m.: And the day concludes with another holdup and two juveniles being deprived of their possessions.

Aug. 3

(2008-333651) 1:36 a.m.: Oh for the love of god. Another hold-up. This one's in a Wal-Mart parking lot, and, again, our robber thought it a good idea to smash the butt of his gun into a woman's forehead. But at least he had a reason: She wouldn't fork over the dough, so he knocked her out and took it anyway.

(2008-334461) 6:50 p.m.: Another armed robbery.

(2008-??????) 9:47 p.m.: And another. What are we, Detroit?

Aug. 4

(2008-335138) 7:22 a.m.: This week's copper-wire theft comes from a construction site off Grove Park Drive, where an unknown suspect cut a hole in a fence, smashed the driver's-side window of a 1989 van that was parked on the premises, then removed some tools and a roll of the aforementioned copper wiring.

(2008-335687) 3:48 p.m.: Allow me to quote myself: "If you leave an unattended garage door wide open, shit will get stolen." A gentleman on Corrine Drive learned that lesson the hard way and is now presumably in the market for a new bicycle.

(2008-335875) ???: "Unknown suspect(s) entered the attached laundry room and poured motor oil into the washer and dryer."

(2008-335948) 7:27 p.m.: Someone broke into a church and smashed a bunch of its windows. The cops aren't sure what, if anything, was taken.

(2008-336084) 9:12 p.m.: A man broke into an I-Drive hotel's maintenance shed to steal some landscaping equipment … really? That's what you're going through all this trouble to steal? A weed-whacker?

Anyway, the man fled when confronted by the hotel manager, even though he was armed with a knife.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

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