Aug. 8

(2008-341580) 8:06 a.m.: Irony alert: Two dudes with guns held up the Peace Food Store for smokes and cash.

(2008-341642) 9:07 a.m.: Somebody cut through a fence to steal the catalytic converter from a 1999 Ford F-150. Reason unknown.

Aug. 9

(2008-342723) 12:01 a.m.: A transient was trying to gain entry to a grocery store when he heard the cops coming and tried to walk away. Walking away proved less successful than he probably hoped.

(2008-342751) 12:22 a.m.: A 51-year-old suspect accosted a victim outside a Parramore nightclub, pulled out a knife and told the vic that he owed him money. Then he stabbed him in the arm. "The victim did not know what the suspect was talking about," Officer Lundy reports. The police caught Mr. Knifey shortly thereafter.

(2008-342930) 3 a.m.: A lone suspect smashed a gas-station window, loaded up a garbage can with cigarette cartons and cigar boxes, and drove off. Nicotine makes people do things they really shouldn't.

(2008-343468) 2:13 p.m.: If the cops pull you over, chucking your handgun over the nearest available fence is not a good means of avoiding arrest.

(2008-343595) 4:21 p.m.: A would-be thief kicked in a North Dollins Avenue business's garage door but didn't take anything.

(2008-343661) 5:24 p.m.: "The arrestee was charged with burglary of a dwelling and burglary of a vehicle after breaking into the laundry room of the residence and burglarizing the victim's vehicle."

Maybe it's the cold medicine I'm currently guzzling, but I'm having trouble putting this together, Officer Gillespie. Was the car in the laundry room? If so, wouldn't we call that a "garage"?

(2008-343773) 6:57 p.m.: Three men with guns broke into a Raleigh Street apartment, forced the victims to the ground, ransacked a bedroom and took off with a Glock 9 mm and a cell phone.

(2008-343928) 9:15 p.m.: Robbery at gunpoint.

(2008-343972) 9:51 p.m.: Robbery at knifepoint.

(2008-344103) 11:30 p.m.: Robbery at gunpoint again. To quote myself from last week: "What is this, Detroit?"

Aug. 10

(2008-344333) 2:25 a.m.: A guy smashed a dollar-store window and took some scratch-off tickets, a laptop and a cash drawer.

(2008-344458) 4:48 a.m.: The cops caught a guy trying to break into douchebag central, Tabu Nightclub. There is no excuse for that.


Aug. 11

(2008-345791) 7:11 a.m.: After going to the trouble of gaining entry to a secured (or unsecured? Officer Yochelson can't make up her mind) under-construction building by pushing down a diamond plate on a loading dock and pushing up a roll-up door, our suspect took nothing from inside, though he or she did nab some metal downspouts from the building's exterior.

(2008-345857) 8:24 a.m.: Writes Officer Henry: "The victims were inside their hotel room `on Major Boulevard`. Unknown black male posing as housekeeping entered their room while they were inside, began removing linen and once their backs were turned, took one of the victims' purse and then fled in an unknown direction."

I'm not one to praise the criminal element, but I have to give this particular perp props for creativity. I mean, it worked, didn't it?

(2008-345890) 8:47 a.m.: Our unknown suspect forced open a pool business's front door but didn't steal anything. What's with the lack of follow-through from Orlando's criminals this week?

(2008-346087) 11:58 a.m.: Quoted without comment: "On the above date and time unknown person(s) gained entry into nine vacant apartments in the Willow Bends apartments by unlocking the front doors. Once inside the person(s) professionally removed the AC condenser units and left the scene by unknown means."

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