HELP US KEEP REPORTING. DONATE TO ORLANDO WEEKLY PRESS CLUB.


Aug. 29

(2008-372695) 1:01 p.m.: A 42-year-old battered an Old Navy rent-a-cop who busted him shoplifting. Officer Baker concludes his report with the following bit of redundancy: "The arrestee was arrested."

(2008-373288) 9:07 p.m.: The cops found some rich man's aspirin and related paraphernalia on a suspected armed robber. Jail.

Aug. 30

(2008-373599) 12:27 a.m.: From the rich man's aspirin to the poor man's glove: Four dudes robbed two other dudes at gunpoint on East Jackson Street. The gunman, according to the police report, "had a brown plastic bag wrapped around his hand." Ingenious!

(2008-373650) 1:11 a.m.: Two men robbed an elderly lady at gunpoint. Dicks.

(2008-373682) 1:49 a.m.: Another armed robbery. This time, some teenagers approached a man standing outside his apartment, displayed a gun, and stole his wallet, cell phone and laptop. Dicks.

(2008-373788) 3:23 a.m.: Hey, whaddya know — another armed robbery. My job's getting monotonous. Dicks.

(2008-374248) 2:20 p.m.: Oh, fantastic. One more. This time, three men drove up to the parking ticket booth at a theme park, brandished guns and took a large amount of cash. Yeah … dicks.

(2008-374632) 8:45 p.m.: Not all burglars can be competent. This one was caught red-handed, staring through the rear window of the van he tried to burglarize as the cops pulled up. Maybe he should consider another line of work.

(2008-374805) 11:14 p.m.: Look, another armed robbery.

Aug. 31

(2008-374948) 1:24 a.m.: Someone stole 32 purses from the Coach Factory Outlet.

(2008-375029) 2:48 a.m.: Someone tried to break into a golf club via a concrete block, but it didn't work out. Fail.

(2008-375047) 3:06 a.m.: Someone broke into another golf club's bar. They stole two cash registers, which had nothing in them. Fail, part two.

(2008-373942) 1:20 a.m.: Some fellas stole rims from a tire store.

(2008-375214) 8:34 a.m.: In keeping with today's theme (sort of), someone burglarized a vending machine at a miniature golf establishment.

(2008-376009) 10:25 p.m.: Armed robbery on North Orange Blossom Trail.

(2008-376033) 11:52 p.m.: Armed robbery on Kirkman Road. Seriously, guys, this is getting old.

Sept. 1

(2008-376285) 2:27 a.m.: This is the weakest burglary I've seen in a while. A guy walked into a Wal-Mart, approached a register and asked the cashier for cash. Apparently, said cashier opened the till and the suspect grabbed some dough and ran. There's no indication he had a gun, which makes this robbery astoundingly silly.

Sept. 3

(2008-379803) 10:21 a.m.: In a sharp rebuke to the recent rash of failed burglaries, a perp successfully broke a flower shop's window and got inside. Victory! Well, not really. Turns out the cash register was empty. Wah-wah.

(2008-379939) 12:08 p.m.: Someone broke into a model home and cleared out the washer and dryer.

(2008-380381) 5:08 p.m.: Residential burglary in Baldwin Park, where these things aren't supposed to happen. "It appears unknown person(s) are knocking on the doors to determined unoccupied residents `sic`," Officer Moore reports. Don't say I never warned you.

Sept. 4

(2008-380961) 12:27 a.m.: We've encountered this brand of dimwittedness before. After an armed robber removes his loot from his victims, he fires a shot in the air before leaving. Really? Why waste a bullet? To let them know you're serious? You already have their goodies. I don't get criminals.

(2008-381055) 2:21 a.m.: See, this guy knows how armed robberies are done. He held up a couple outside of the Roxy nightclub and took their money, cell phone and car, all without firing a shot. Smooth operator.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

We welcome readers to submit letters regarding articles and content in Orlando Weekly. Letters should be a minimum of 150 words, refer to content that has appeared on Orlando Weekly, and must include the writer's full name, address, and phone number for verification purposes. No attachments will be considered. Writers of letters selected for publication will be notified via email. Letters may be edited and shortened for space.

Email us at feedback@orlandoweekly.com.

Orlando Weekly works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of Central Florida.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep Orlando’s true free press free.

Latest in Police Beat

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Read the Digital Print Issue

October 27, 2020

View more issues

Calendar

© 2020 Orlando Weekly

Website powered by Foundation