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Sept. 26

(2008-415728) 8:16 a.m.: Some jackass snatched a woman's purse while she was at a bus stop.

(2008-415798) 9:31 a.m.: Someone stole construction tools from a construction site.

(2008-415979) 12:12 p.m.: Three kids stole food from a Vietnamese restaurant's freezer. Boring.

(2008-416045) 1 p.m.: Here's the week's first copper wire theft. (It won't be the last, believe you me.) This time, our thieves took the wire from the Orlando Utilities Commission's "lightning arrester system," which sounds really dangerous.

(2008-416221) 3:17 p.m.: Remember last time, when I told you I was boycotting armed robberies because they're monotonous? The rule still applies. Boycott.

(2008-416403) 5:23 p.m.: Ten punk-ass juveniles tried to jump a 38-year-old man for his money. He escaped.

(2008-416643) 7:44 p.m.: A guy thought it'd be easy to steal from a hotel's front desk simply by walking behind it and taking $414. He was pretty easy to catch, too.

Sept. 27

(2008-417087) 12:43 a.m.: Boycott.

(2008-417103) 1:07 a.m.: Boycott again.

(2008-417265) 3:32 a.m.: Four dumb-asses tried, and failed, to break into a cell-phone store on North Lane.

(2008-417380) 6:35 a.m.: Another dumb-ass tried to break into a house via a sliding glass door, but couldn't figure out how. Hint: brick.

(2008-417566) 10:59 a.m.: If you're going to rob a house in broad daylight, I don't see the point in wearing all black. It's not like you blend in. Anyway, the thief in this story ran off when the homeowner confronted him.

Sept. 29

(2008-420059) 3:58 a.m.: This is a much more efficient commercial burglary. The suspect(s) smashed a nail salon's glass front door and stole the salon's plasma television.

(2008-420165) 7:11 a.m.: Break-in at a Halloween store. Writes Officer Mercer, "The only thing that appeared to be missing was the cash bank." Oh, that's all?

(2008-420199) 7:34 a.m.: Some perdition-bound criminals raided a downtown church, stealing DVDs (really, picking up Left Behind in a dollar bin is too much for you?), 14 air conditioning units (they're going to need it where they're going; ha!) and a bunch of copper wire (naturally).

(2008-420230) 8:18 a.m.: Another copper wire theft, this time on 27th Street.

(2008-420556) 12:03 p.m.: Yet another copper wire theft, from a business on West Jersey Street.

(2008-420581) 12:16 p.m.: Boycott.

(2008-421175) 8:34 p.m.: The cops busted three juvies trying to break into cars at a car lot. Two of them, age 13 and 14, were also arrested for resisting an officer without violence. They probably got mouthy.

Sept. 30

(2008-421721) 8:19 a.m.: About five o'clock the previous afternoon, a burglar raided a man's apartment, stealing one CD and a DVD player — while the resident was asleep. Who's asleep at 5 p.m.?

(2008-421941) 10:55 a.m.: Someone "removed a portion of a tool box and custom side rails from a 1997 Ford pickup truck," Officer Glisson reports. How does someone remove a "portion" of a tool box?

(2008-421988) 11:31 a.m.: Another commercial burglary. Yawn.

(2008-422384) 4:08 p.m.: On Sept. 4, this newspaper ran a piece on the Black Box Collective, a nonprofit music venue in Parramore. "I give it a week before everything's stolen," I told our music editor. I was wrong. It took three weeks. But, to absolutely no one's surprise, some rascals did break in and steal the venue's PA system. I'm so prescient.

(2008-422479) 5:25 p.m.: A guy broke into a first-floor hotel room on Major Boulevard. Fortunately, there were no tourists around, but some managers did try to chase the guy. He fled three hotels down, where his Jeep was parked, and drove away.

(2008-422504) 5:40 p.m.: Boycott.

(2008-422916) 10:45 p.m.: Boycott. Could crime be any lamer this week? Step it up, criminals.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

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