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Jan. 5

(2009-6039) 7:50 a.m.: WTF of the week, Vol. 1: "Unknown suspect(s) cut a padlock, gaining entry on the east side of the property `on Diversified Way`. Once inside, suspect(s) removed 10 12-volt batteries and 22 6-volt batteries from within the sign board which are owned by Bob's Barricades."

(2009-6568) 2:30 p.m.: You know what today is? The first day of the rest of your life. Unless you're a dead guy found outside a bowling alley.

(2009-6607) 3:01 p.m.: WTF of the week, Vol. 2: "On Dec. 31, 2008 … the witness was inside `his apartment` when he heard a noise from one of the bedrooms. When the witness looked inside the closet, he saw the suspect entering the apartment through a hole in the wall. Witness confronted the suspect, but let him go because he did not want to press charges." Six days later, he called the cops.

(2009-6645) 3:38 p.m.: Someone broke into a locked storage unit on Michigan Street and stole furniture. "There were no signs of forced entry," reports Officer Grimes.

(2009-6922) 6:55 p.m.: Leaving bicycles on your back porch is not a good idea.

Jan. 6

(2009-7427) 2:33 a.m.: A man stole a case of beer from a CVS. They sell beer?

(2009-7792) 9:22 a.m.: A would-be thief tried to kick in a couple's front door, but failed.

(2009-7974) 11:38 a.m.: WTF of the week, Vol. 3: "The victim woke up from a nap and saw a black male disconnecting wires from an LCD television in another bedroom. The black male asked the victim if `redacted` lived there and left without incident. One hundred and thirty dollars in cash was missing from the apartment and there are no signs of forced entry. The victim was staying at her friends' apartment."

(2009-8005) 12:16 p.m.: A guy broke into an apartment complex's maintenance shed and stole tools.

(2009-8138) 1:59 p.m.: Copper-wire theft wasn't just a 2008 fad. A guy climbed atop a Division Street business and stole some copper wiring from its AC unit.

(2009-8272) 3:28 p.m.: Here's an argument for gun and birth control: Three teenage boys got a gun and held up a 14-year-old in a parking lot on (go ahead, guess) Mercy Drive. The stupid little shits were later arrested near a community center.

(2009-8721) 8:22 p.m.: WTF of the week, Vol. 4: "On the above date and time, victim attempted to sell a pair of shorts, when an unknown black male pulled a silver handgun, shooting him in the left shoulder."

Jan. 7

(2009-8980) 12:11 a.m.: Playing the role of Capt. Obvious tonight will be Officer William B. Anderson: "Unknown suspect(s) set fire to `a law firm on Broadway Avenue` by unknown means. … The fire is considered suspicious."

(2009-9649) 11:41 a.m.: Copper wire stolen from an AC unit. Imagine that. Also, on the off chance that there's a deity waiting to punish you in the hereafter for your deeds on earth, stealing copper from a church isn't recommended.

(2009-9837) 1:51 p.m.: I don't get compliant criminals. If a cop asks to pat you down, and you know that you have nine pieces of crack cocaine in your pocket, what possible reason could you have for agreeing? I know that as a rule crackheads aren't rocket scientists — though they are rock scientists, ha! — but do these people really think they're not going to jail because they were cooperative? Make the cop get a warrant. What's the worst thing that could happen, besides a Tasering?

(2009-9909) 2:43 p.m.: To paraphrase myself from a few items up: On the off chance that there's a deity waiting to punish you in the hereafter for your deeds on earth, stealing tents and lawn chairs from the American Cancer Society isn't recommended.

(2009, no incident number) time unknown: A Boone High School student was robbed at knifepoint. According to the unnamed cop, the assailant was said to have "korn rows," which I'm guessing are those long dreads worn by the lead singer of that terrible rap-metal band. Or he could have meant "cornrows," a traditional African hairstyle that involves braiding hair close to the scalp, a style seen on such douchebags as Kevin Federline.

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