March 26

(2009-141905) 8:22 a.m.: You know what's awesome? Trying to put out a newspaper when your server keeps crashing. Welcome to my day.

A woman's Hyundai — a car company not living off the federal dole right now — was stolen out of her Delaney Avenue garage "without forced entry."

(2009-141958) 8:53 a.m.: Two guys tried to break into an apartment complex's maintenance shed but "were not able to get the door open and fled the area." Fail.

(2009-143378) 11:32 p.m.: An armed robbery produces a cell phone and a pack of smokes.

(2009-143381) 11:33 p.m.: "Unknown suspect attempted to enter the residence without permission. He was confronted by the complainant and fled the area."

March 27

(2009-143513) 1:29 a.m.: Officer Catanzaro was working off-duty at a bar on South Orange Blossom Trail when he was allegedly battered by a patron.

(2009-143804) 7:26 a.m.: "Unknown suspect(s) stole a vehicle and parked it 100 feet away," Officer Yochelson tells us. Then they stole the car's rims and tires. Our bad guy(s) subsequently broke into two more cars, stealing rims, tires and DVD players.

Another morning in MetroWest.

(2009-144113) 11:37 a.m.: A homeless guy tried to break into an apartment, but failed. The cops tracked him down shortly thereafter.

(2009-144116) 11:38 a.m.: Silly homeless people. Don't you know that if you wander near yuppie downtown apartments, you're considered a "suspicious person"? Of course, in fairness to the yuppies, it appears this fellow stole a bicycle.

(2009-144205) 12:51 p.m.: Two guys kick in an apartment door, then take off on their Huffies when they find out someone's home.

(2009-144215) 1:07 p.m.: "The suspect entered the closed business and pushed the victim."

(2009-144538) 5:08 p.m.: "On the above date and time, unknown suspect(s) entered the above address by breaking the front glass window. While inside, suspect(s) removed a tool box, beer and cash."

(2009-144635) 6:29 p.m.: While our victim was sleeping, our perp kicked in her door and removed her television, iPhone and some CDs and left. "The victim stated that she slept through the whole incident," presumably after downing a couple of Xanax.

(2009-144755) 7:44 p.m.: A guy was at home with his kids when some transient came to his house and began arguing with him about God knows what. "The victim did not want to argue with the suspect and closed the door," Officer Robertson writes. "At that time the suspect began kicking at the front door of the victim's apartment until the door separated from the hinges and flew open. At that time the suspect fled in an unknown direction."

(2009-145088) 10:59 p.m.: Two guys tried to rob another guy, but the victim escaped into a nearby apartment.

(2009-145170) 11:47 p.m.: Here's one the Convention and Visitors Bureau is sure to love. A couple and a 4-year-old boy were walking in an International Drive parking lot when three suspects pulled up in two vehicles with guns drawn, jacked a victim's bag and fled.

March 28

(2009-145260) 12:47 a.m.: An armed robbery produces a wallet and car keys. The cops were able to track down the five suspects in short order. Jail.

(2009-145261) 12:48 a.m.: Hey, another tourist robbery! This one was at the Portofino Bay Hotel near Universal, where two guys in masks with semi-automatic handguns intercepted a man en route to his room and cleaned him out.

(2009-145378) 2:26 a.m.: I love concise police reports: "The above address was burglarized and an arrest was made on the scene." The crime scene, by the way, was a deli.

(2009-145380) 2:27 a.m.: A guy's house alarm went off while he was sleeping.

(2009-146568) 8:56 p.m.: You know what this column's missing? A budget. See, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, D-Scumbag, was strolling around our own Walt Disney World on April 2, the same day he was indicted on all sorts of corruption charges. I thought it would be fun to drive down there and spend the day looking for his wonderful hair on Space Mountain. But this column has no money for such adventures. Instead, I had to watch — on TV, like everyone else — WESH Channel 2 reporter Michelle Meredith make an ass of herself accosting Blago and his kids at a Disney-area hotel pool. Journalism!

Anyway. "On the above date and time listed at the above address, I responded to an other sex crime," Officer Cusumano reports. Apparently, OPD considers flashing your willy at an 18-year-old girl an "other."

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