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May 26

(2009-247340) 2:25 p.m.: Brazen robbery at a downtown church! Our suspect hopped a wall, pried open a maintenance door and "stole rolls of black garbage bags."

(2009-247401) 2:59 a.m.: Attention, whoever stole a television and a DVD player from the homeless shelter: You're an asshole. Sincerely, Police Beat.

Time and case number missing: Our victim, 72, picked up a 30-year-old couple at Holden and Rio Grande avenues. Fifteen minutes later, "the male suspect choked and hit the victim over the head. The victim awoke and his wallet was missing."

May 27

(2009-249295) 3:09 p.m.: Traffic stop, cocaine.

(2009-249829) 10:07 p.m.: "A search of a suspicious vehicle incident to the odor of burnt cannabis revealed 8 grams of cannabis, a BB gun, bandana, gloves and a backpack with two rolls of duct tape inside the car. A further search underneath the hood revealed a fully loaded Tec-9 semi-automatic along with a ski mask and a fake dread hat." Choose peace.

(2009-249960) 11:59 p.m.: Homicide on South Ivey Lane.

May 28

(2009-250061) 2:08 a.m.: Pepper spray is not always a defensive weapon: "The victim was approached by two black males on bicycles who pepper-sprayed him and took his cell phone and money."

June 1

(2009-257998) 9:50 p.m.: Ah, June. The birds are singing. The weather's disgustingly hot. The gays are swarming. The little kiddies are out of school. There's some sort of basketball thing we're all supposed to care about. And some guy has got laptop thievery down to a science. (2009-258178) 11:58 p.m.: Go, Officer Costa: "I, Officer Costa, along with Officer Jewell, responded to `a 7-Eleven on South Orange Avenue, where` a subject `was` selling drugs. During the arrest, subject spit on Officer Jewell and I and a firefighter." That's quite a loogie.

June 2

(2009-258192) 12:12 a.m.: Traffic stop. Pot. Gun. Arrest warrants. Jail.

(2009-258998) 12:48 a.m.: A couple in a silver BMW jumped a guy on a bicycle and took his cell phone. The world is not fair.

(2009-258570) 8:02 a.m.: Someone tried to break into a church classroom, but failed. Thou shalt not mess with the Lord thy God.

(2009-259425) 2:15 p.m.: "The victim stated a male forced her wallet from her grasp then ran eastbound on Raleigh Street." The cops caught up with the alleged bad guy, who was 14.

(2009-260184) 2:24 p.m.: Officer Dunlap reports: "After being placed under arrest for disorderly conduct and resisting without violence, the arrestee offered me $1,400 cash from his pocket to let him go."

June 3

(2009-260384) 7:09 a.m.: Our suspect smashed windows in three cars and took a checkbook from one of them.

(2009-260521) 9:03 a.m.: Someone stole 50 gallons of diesel fuel from a tank on a construction site.

(2009-261127) 3:37 p.m.: "A fully loaded 40-caliber Taurus handgun along with 13.5 grams of powdered cocaine and .6 grams of crack cocaine were recovered from a Dodge Durango."

(2009-261415) 6:29 p.m.: Domestic fight in an apartment. "The suspect cut the victim's right hand and fled the scene." She made it about two blocks before the cops picked her up.

June 4

(2009-262108) 3:07 a.m.: Kids these days: "On the above date and time, two white males were witnessed by Orange `County` Public Schools security in the Dr. Phillips `High School` campus driving golf carts."

(2009-262388) 8:18 a.m.: A guy broke into a North OBT business. "The unknown suspect(s) then removed a number of business checks. The unknown suspect(s) left in an unknown direction. A few days later, a suspect attempted to cash one of the stolen checks at a bank in Ocoee. The suspect was unsuccessful."

(2009-262691) 11:49 a.m.: Someone pried open a hotel's vending machines.

(2009-262712) 12:07 p.m.: A douche nozzle beat up his girlfriend. Jail! Bonus: The cops found a gun in his home. Added bonus: He's a felon who's not allowed to own a gun. Double jail!

June 5

(2009-263760) 12:18 a.m.: A traffic stop turns up a stolen gun, a bunch of pills and some blow.

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