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July 3

(2009-312680) 7:44 a.m.: Officer Madden describes an armed robbery suspect as wearing a "camo snow hat." If one wanted effective camouflage in the snow, wouldn't said hat be white?

(2009-312750) 8:31 a.m.: Officer Genao would like you to bow to his thoroughness in making a routine drug bust: "Incident to a lawful search, several rocks of crack cocaine, a digital scale, drug-cooking equipment paraphernalia and cannabis were seized for evidence. After a thorough drug investigation an arrest was made." That last bit is for you, Mr. Defense Lawyer.

(2009-312843) 9:51 a.m.: A teenage hooligan tried to break into an apartment, but ran away when he saw that someone was home.

(2009-313383) 4:33 p.m.: "I, Officer Andrade, and Officer Merks have recovered six obviously stolen and stripped jet skis in the past four months. We have located them in a wooded area `off` Andros Place and Avenue C. … On `July 3`, while on marine patrol, we checked this area again and located two more … both stripped and located in the same spot as the others."

Note to cops: If you stake out the area, perhaps you'll catch the bad guys. Note to bad guys: They're on to you, man.

(2009-313802) 9:19 p.m.: Retail security guards get no respect.

(2009-314018) 11:21 p.m.: An alarm scares off a robber.

(2009-314025) 11:23 p.m.: A would-be apartment robber in a gray hoodie was scared off by a 24-year-old woman.

July 4

(2009-314182) 12:50 a.m.: A Tabu patron celebrated America's birthday by battering an off-duty cop. America, fuck yeah.

(2009-314253) 1:41 a.m.: Car burglar caught in the act.

(2009-314258) 1:46 a.m.: Another battered cop.

(2009-314961) 1:46 p.m.: While you were at the beach getting 'faced (FOR AMERICA!) on cheap beer and plastic-bottle tequila, a 55-year-old transient who lives at the downtown homeless shelter was stealing a weed-eater, because what's more patriotic than landscaping? The cops tracked him down and returned the weed-eater to its rightful owner. You know, for America.

(2009-314979) 2:09 p.m.: Someone took 12 tires off three rental trucks. At least the math works out.

(2009-315562) 10:03 p.m.: Just a guess, but maybe alcohol was involved: "Orlando police officers responded to the Sanctuary condos. … A caller advised that a person fell from the balcony to a condo below. Witness advised the person jumped to sit on the balcony railing, lost his balance and tipped over backwards."

The victim, 25, fell from the 17th to the fifth floor. The cops don't suspect foul play.

(2009-315732) 11:34 p.m.: Suspicious fire at a hotel in Touristan.

July 5

(2009-316230) 8:20 a.m.: The following took place at a Circle K on Edgewater Drive: "Two unknown black males used a sledgehammer to attempt to force open the door of the business at this location. The suspects were unsuccessful and fled the scene when the alarm was activated."

(2009-316487) 12:51 p.m.: "On the above date and time, unknown suspect(s) gained entry into the business by smashing the front glass door. Once inside, suspect(s) went straight for the victim's office and removed the petty cash bag and fled the scene."

(2009-316546) 1:58 p.m.: Two hoodlums stole a woman's flat-screen television and rent money.

(2009-316822) 6:28 p.m.: So, this would suck: "On the above date and time, the victim found his glass window in his living room broken. Approximately 10 hours later, the victim found a bullet on the floor inside his apartment."

(2009-316856) 6:54 p.m.: The police made a "pedestrian stop" of a homeless woman on Columbia Street and found drugs on her.

July 6

(2009-317370) 12:54 a.m.: When a villain failed to break into a candy store's safe, he settled for the owner's wallet. Consolation prize!

(2009-317413) 1:39 a.m.: A ponytailed bandit threw a brick through a nail salon's window and removed the cash register.

(2009-317708) 7:09 a.m.: Another entry from the Rocks Break Glass file: A suspect shattered a car window at an air conditioning shop and stole "rolls of copper and a vacuum pump."

(2009-317866) 9:15 a.m.: Electronics were stolen from a car business. "Entry was the front door with a piece of cinderblock," explains Officer Wright.

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